About 8 years ago, I took my first class for my doctorate
and I took a personality test. It was unlike any test I have ever taken. It
asked me deep questions like, "Do you like nature magazines?" In school, I could do
well on tests without studying and this one, I was instantly sure that studying
wouldn't have helped one bit.
After the week of classes, I sat down with the professor to
discuss the evaluation of my test. He said that I failed.
"I failed?
How do you fail a personality test?"
He told me that I either intentionally lied while answering
the questions or I had no idea who I was or what I liked.
I knew I hadn't lied. But, I didn't like the sound of that
other option.
"What does that mean?"
I had been living by a set of rules. I had been trying to be
"Good" and had answered every question on that test trying to find
the right answer.
Actually, in every situation in life, I was trying to give
the right answer.
Then, something he taught us in the class started to make
sense.
"Only when we place ourselves quietly and deliberately
in front of God are the secret places in our hearts opened and the real motives
of our behavior laid bare. Under this test, we discover the many ways in which
we deceive ourselves: The pride, with which we imagine ourselves smarter, better
looking, and more moral than others; the self-righteous motives,
with which we think ourselves acting out of selfless love; the self-flattery,
with which we convince ourselves that we actively live the Christian faith we
hear about on Sunday mornings. In these ways and many others, we construct
images of ourselves to cover up the reality we do not want to see."[1]
I had been living a lie.
And so the inward journey to find the truth began. I had to
get alone with God. I was desperate to be with him. From this same article, I read,
"To be in God's presence alone is to be confronted by
his gaze with nothing to hide behind."
"Yes, we will be hurt when we put ourselves alone into
God's presence, but the hurt will be healed by mercy."
So, I pressed on.
Here are 13 truths that brought freedom:[2]
1 - You are responsible for all you do, think, feel and want
(and don't do, don't think, don't feel and don't want.) Think about it...
how often do we try to blame someone else for what we do, think, feel or want.
It's a waste of energy. We can't even blame God or Satan. It's all on us.
Accept responsibility. It is the only way forward, the only way to be free.
2 - You are responsible for the consequences of all your
thoughts, feelings and actions. This follows. If I am responsible for what I
do, think, feel and want, then I am responsible for however things shake out
from there. It may feel like a lot of burden to bear, but it's true, so
we either live in the truth or we pretend and live a lie.
3 - You do not have to offer excuses. Once we accept responsibility,
we have no excuses. "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No';
anything beyond this comes from the evil one." - Matthew 5:37. What more can say? I did it. I own it. Yes, that was me. And, if necessary, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me."
4 - You are not responsible for the how others think, feel
or act. They are responsible for themselves. If the first two feel like an
added burden, this one is the payback. Some of us carry the weight of the world
on our shoulders feeling responsible for other peoples' choices, actions and
feelings. We think that if we had just done a little more or said a little less
or... then this person wouldn't (fill in the blank). Realizing that we are
not responsible for others thoughts, feelings or actions is a complete game
changer. We are free!
5 - You have the right to change your mind. We sometimes
feel like we have to stick with our decisions even when we realize that we made
a bad choice. We are afraid to go back and try something different, so we lock
ourselves in. Being responsible for our choices doesn't mean we can't go back
and try to change them. It means the opposite. We are free to choose something
different now.
6 - You have the right to make mistakes. We don't have
to stop our lives, frozen in indecision, afraid to make a mistake.
If we freeze up, that is a choice too, and it is
guaranteed to be a mistake. We need to take a risk. We will make mistakes, and we will be responsibility for the consequences.
7 - You have the right to be wrong. Similarly, don't be
afraid to be wrong. And, if someone tries to rub it in your face, just accept
responsibility and move on. "You're right. I was wrong." Usually, you don't even have to apologize. It's just a fact of life.
8 - You have the right to say, "I don't know."
Because sometimes it's true.
9 - When others do good things for you, you don't have to
"give yourself up" to pay them back. Just because someone did you
a favor, whether it's lending you a pencil or giving you a car, you don't owe
them anything but love and respect (what we owe all people). We don't have to
do something we don't want to do in order to pay someone back.
10 - You don't have to "give yourself up" to be
loved by others. Same principle but in another situation. If we want to be
loved by someone who is not loving us, whether a parent or significant other
or anyone else, it is tempting to do and say things that aren't true to who we
are. We want to morph ourselves into a mold that we think they will be more
likely to love. This never ends well. Whether it is overworking to please a
boss, entering into an abusive relationship, or working extra hard to be who
our parents want us to be, we wind up losing our true selves.
11 - You have the right to be illogical in decision making. This
was a tough one for me. We don't have to explain our reasons behind our
thoughts, actions or feelings. There is nothing innately better about a logical
argument than an illogical one. I want to... is enough. Anyone who cannot
accept your decision is struggling to accept you.
12 - You have the right to say, "I don't
understand." How else will we learn unless we are willing to admit that
we don't understand? In relationships, being able to understand another person
helps us to love them more. If you want to know someone better, these words are
indispensable. If you just want to prove them wrong, these words can be reduced to the beginning of an argument.
13 - You have the right to say, "I don't care."
It's almost never true. We care about almost everything. But, to the extent
that other things are more important and this one doesn't rank up there as a
major priority. Sometimes we just don't want to expend the energy to decide
what we want. And, so it is fine to sometimes say, "I just don't care,"
because my love for you is more important than this.
As we can learn to live out these truths in our lives, we will grow to love and respect ourselves and others more each day. Grace and forgiveness follow love and respect. And, soon, we realize that we are on a journey and we can either share the road or try to beat everyone else, we can't do both.
I hope one of these truths will help you move toward freedom
today. Which one(s) do you find hard to believe? What would you add to this
list?
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