That Voice in Your Head: Living Powerfully

            You know that voice in your head that talks to you and just won’t shut up. Yeah, that one. The one that is saying, “Oh yeah, I know that voice.” Or maybe you aren’t like that. So, the voice in your head is saying, “What is this guy talking about? I don’t have a voice in my head!” Yeah, that’s the one. Or, maybe it’s saying, “Oh, do I have a voice in my head? I wonder. Well if everyone has one, then I guess I have one.” Yeah that’s the one. And, if you are really truly unique, the voice in your head is saying, “Not me. I don’t have a voice in my head. I’m no ordinary person. I am different.” Yeah, that’s the voice I'm talking about.

            What does that voice tell you? It depends. It depends on what language(s) you speak. Right? Otherwise you wouldn’t understand the voice in your head. (Now that would be confusing. Kinda cool, though.) What that voice tells you also depends on where you were born and live. Makes sense, right? Otherwise, the context would be all confusing and wouldn’t make sense. It depends on your personality. It depends on your relationships. It depends on your parents. It depends on your children. It depends on where you work. It depends on whether the guy behind the counter put whip cream on your latte. It depends.

            That voice is common to the human condition. It is part of being human. It is something that we all share. We all have a voice in our head. Also, that voice speaks from a certain perspective. No matter what it is actually saying, it comes from a common foundation that we all share:

1 – “There is something wrong here, and, that something is me.” What is the voice in your head saying right now? “Oooowww, that’s deep. Such a profound idea.” Or maybe it’s saying, “@#$%! That’s not true. There’s nothing wrong with me.” Or maybe, it’s saying, “Ok, I can see that.”

The voice in our head tells us things. It tries to guide us through life. It directs us on what to believe and who to trust. It tells us what to eat and what to avoid. But, the first thing underlying all of that is this, “There is something wrong here, and that something is me.” So, your voice has told you something like: look prettier, get stronger, be more guarded, be more sensitive, to live in the moment, eat less and exercise more, read more, keep growing, hide, don’t take anything serious, laugh more, play more, numb the pain, or maybe all of the above at one time or the other. The voice in our head has a lot to say. It almost never shuts up.

The voice in our head assumes that we are the something that is wrong and either wants to fix us or tries to avoid facing the fact that something is wrong. Each moment, you and I have to decide whether, on the one hand, to do what the voice is saying or to fight against the voice.

Which one dominates is up to you. Whether you choose to stand and fight or run and hide is up to you. Now that voice in your head is saying, “I’m gonna stand and fight!” or “Fighting, no thanks. I’m gonna run and hide.” Or, maybe that voice in your head is saying, “It is not that simple. There are always other choices that we have. I read in a book once, that…” Or maybe, it’s saying, “I’m gonna fight! That’s the right answer isn’t it? Running and hiding can’t be the right answer. Or is it? Is this a trick question?”

And, that’s the point. We have a voice in our head that is responding every moment to the foundational belief that "there is something wrong here, and that something is me." Regardless of what it is saying, that is where it is coming from. It is looking for the right answer, the best way, to get past this life-altering, foundational belief that something is wrong and by working so hard to get past it, it confirms moment by moment, day after day that:

“There is something wrong here, and that something is me.”

The second belief began a little later in life, but it is just as foundational. It is the second underlying belief behind what the voice in our head tells us.

2 – “I don’t belong.” The voice tells you and me that if we looked a certain way and not another then we would belong. The voice tells us to eat a certain way and not another. The voice tells us to change ourselves, educate ourselves, grow, become, transform, metamorphosize into something that fits, something that belongs.

You have been responding to that foundational belief ever since. Your actions in life, the career you have, the spouse you chose, the place you live, the friends you have, the makeup you wear is all in response to that underlying premise, “I don’t belong.”

The voice in your head is again telling you, “Yes that’s true!” Or, “No, that’s crap!” Others of you, the voice, is saying, “Where is this all going? What’s the point already!?”

Fair enough. That’s not the real point that I am learning and trying to share with you. It just is. It is what it is. We have a voice in our heads. And, that voice, regardless of what it says, is coming from this place: “There is something wrong here, and that something is me,” and “I don’t belong.”

Sometimes we do what that voice tells us and sometimes we don’t. No, that’s not the point either. It just is.

So, wait for the voice. Listen for it. Hear it. Then, choose whether to do what the voice says or not. Then, recognize that you made the choice. You decided whether or not to listen. You chose whether to eat that piece of cake or not, whether to get out of bed or not. You chose.

You are not the voice in your head. That voice is not you.

Here’s the point: You have power over the voice in your head unless you give that voice power over you. Either way it’s your choice, your power.

You are powerful. You are great. But, you and I can choose to live powerless and small.

I don’t want to. I like living powerfully. It is fun and allows me to make the kind of impact that I want to make. So, I am going to choose to live powerfully and BIG. Do you want to know why? Because I choose to. I choose to because I choose to. I am powerful and have a choice, and I choose to live BIG.

You are powerful. You are great.You are not the voice in your head. You have power over it. So exercise ... or don't. Just don't believe the lie that you didn't have a choice. You are powerful. You can choose to obey the voice in your head or choose to ignore it. You are great. Be great.

Any questions or want to know more, leave a comment below or contact me directly. This has been a life-changing reality for me. I trust it can be for you. Your choice!

How I Failed a Personality Test: 13 Truths that Change Everything

About 8 years ago, I took my first class for my doctorate and I took a personality test. It was unlike any test I have ever taken. It asked me deep questions like,  "Do you like nature magazines?" In school, I could do well on tests without studying and this one, I was instantly sure that studying wouldn't have helped one bit.

After the week of classes, I sat down with the professor to discuss the evaluation of my test. He said that I failed.

"I failed?

How do you fail a personality test?"

He told me that I either intentionally lied while answering the questions or I had no idea who I was or what I liked.

I knew I hadn't lied. But, I didn't like the sound of that other option.

"What does that mean?"

I had been living by a set of rules. I had been trying to be "Good" and had answered every question on that test trying to find the right answer.

Actually, in every situation in life, I was trying to give the right answer.

Then, something he taught us in the class started to make sense.

"Only when we place ourselves quietly and deliberately in front of God are the secret places in our hearts opened and the real motives of our behavior laid bare. Under this test, we discover the many ways in which we deceive ourselves: The pride, with which we imagine ourselves smarter, better looking, and more moral than others; the self-righteous motives, with which we think ourselves acting out of selfless love; the self-flattery, with which we convince ourselves that we actively live the Christian faith we hear about on Sunday mornings. In these ways and many others, we construct images of ourselves to cover up the reality we do not want to see."[1]

I had been living a lie.

And so the inward journey to find the truth began. I had to get alone with God. I was desperate to be with him. From this same article, I read,

"To be in God's presence alone is to be confronted by his gaze with nothing to hide behind."

"Yes, we will be hurt when we put ourselves alone into God's presence, but the hurt will be healed by mercy."

So, I pressed on.

Here are 13 truths that brought freedom:[2]

1 - You are responsible for all you do, think, feel and want (and don't do, don't think, don't feel and don't want.) Think about it... how often do we try to blame someone else for what we do, think, feel or want. It's a waste of energy. We can't even blame God or Satan. It's all on us. Accept responsibility. It is the only way forward, the only way to be free.

 

2 - You are responsible for the consequences of all your thoughts, feelings and actions. This follows. If I am responsible for what I do, think, feel and want, then I am responsible for however things shake out from there. It may feel like a lot of burden to bear, but it's true, so we either live in the truth or we pretend and live a lie.

3 - You do not have to offer excuses. Once we accept responsibility, we have no excuses. "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." - Matthew 5:37. What more can say? I did it. I own it. Yes, that was me. And, if necessary, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

4 - You are not responsible for the how others think, feel or act. They are responsible for themselves. If the first two feel like an added burden, this one is the payback. Some of us carry the weight of the world on our shoulders feeling responsible for other peoples' choices, actions and feelings. We think that if we had just done a little more or said a little less or... then this person wouldn't (fill in the blank). Realizing that we are not responsible for others thoughts, feelings or actions is a complete game changer. We are free!

5 - You have the right to change your mind. We sometimes feel like we have to stick with our decisions even when we realize that we made a bad choice. We are afraid to go back and try something different, so we lock ourselves in. Being responsible for our choices doesn't mean we can't go back and try to change them. It means the opposite. We are free to choose something different now.

6 - You have the right to make mistakes. We don't have to stop our lives, frozen in indecision, afraid to make a mistake. If we freeze up, that is a choice too, and it is guaranteed to be a mistake. We need to take a risk. We will make mistakes, and we will be responsibility for the consequences.

7 - You have the right to be wrong. Similarly, don't be afraid to be wrong. And, if someone tries to rub it in your face, just accept responsibility and move on. "You're right. I was wrong." Usually, you don't even have to apologize. It's just a fact of life.

8 - You have the right to say, "I don't know." Because sometimes it's true.

9 - When others do good things for you, you don't have to "give yourself up" to pay them back. Just because someone did you a favor, whether it's lending you a pencil or giving you a car, you don't owe them anything but love and respect (what we owe all people). We don't have to do something we don't want to do in order to pay someone back.

10 - You don't have to "give yourself up" to be loved by others. Same principle but in another situation. If we want to be loved by someone who is not loving us, whether a parent or significant other or anyone else, it is tempting to do and say things that aren't true to who we are. We want to morph ourselves into a mold that we think they will be more likely to love. This never ends well. Whether it is overworking to please a boss, entering into an abusive relationship, or working extra hard to be who our parents want us to be, we wind up losing our true selves.

11 - You have the right to be illogical in decision making. This was a tough one for me. We don't have to explain our reasons behind our thoughts, actions or feelings. There is nothing innately better about a logical argument than an illogical one. I want to... is enough. Anyone who cannot accept your decision is struggling to accept you.

12 - You have the right to say, "I don't understand." How else will we learn unless we are willing to admit that we don't understand? In relationships, being able to understand another person helps us to love them more. If you want to know someone better, these words are indispensable. If you just want to prove them wrong, these words can be reduced to the beginning of an argument.

13 - You have the right to say, "I don't care." It's almost never true. We care about almost everything. But, to the extent that other things are more important and this one doesn't rank up there as a major priority. Sometimes we just don't want to expend the energy to decide what we want. And, so it is fine to sometimes say, "I just don't care," because my love for you is more important than this.

As we can learn to live out these truths in our lives, we will grow to love and respect ourselves and others more each day. Grace and forgiveness follow love and respect. And, soon, we realize that we are on a journey and we can either share the road or try to beat everyone else, we can't do both. 

I hope one of these truths will help you move toward freedom today. Which one(s) do you find hard to believe? What would you add to this list?

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[1] Clifford Williams, “When Mercy Hurts: Receiving God’s grace means facing the truth about ourselves,” Christianity Today (Feb. 1989): 17.

[2] Frank Green, “How to Be the Person You Want to Be: Learning to deal with some of life’s vital issues,” Wake Forest Baptist Church, Wake Forest, NC: 6.