The Importance of Friendships: More on How to Make real Lasting Change

I was 17 years old. I had been clean for 8 months. I hadn’t used in all that time and I was feeling pretty confident about my ability to stay clean. I was feeling stronger than I had since I started using. I was confident that the battle was over and that I would be free from now on. At least I hoped I would be.

Then, it happened, that season of my life when I fell back in with certain friends and found myself hanging out behind the school out in the field where I had started using. To them, it was just a game, but to me it was a battle. I hated what was happening to me.

In the beginning, I still felt pretty strong, like I could handle being around them, they weren’t even my close friends, just people I ran around with. I didn’t think that I would fall back into it. I thought I could handle it.

Then, in a time of difficulty, I was struggling with some emotional stress and I gave in to the pressure. Everyone else was doing it, or so it seemed. I caved. I just used once, and I realized it right away and I stopped and I thought I had it under control. But, soon, it was once or twice a week. Then, it was almost every time I was out there. I had lost complete control.

Whatever our temptations are, hanging out with the wrong crowd or the right crowd can have a huge impact on us. If you struggle with an addiction to alcohol, don’t spend time in a bar. When you struggle with an addiction to gambling, don’t go to Las Vegas. Obviously. 

But, it goes beyond this.

Think about it. There is power in those relationships. There is power in the culture or the movement of people in and through our lives. Who we are with influences how well we follow through with what we want. As it turns out, our will power is affected by those around us.

The last two days, I have written about how to make real and lasting changes in our lives. If we are able to block future temptation and able to strengthen our will power "muscle", we will still struggle to make lasting change unless we change the people we spend time with.

“How blessed is the one who does not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand in the pathway with sinners, or sit in the assembly of scoffers!” Kind David wrote in the first line of the first song recorded in Psalms. So that’s not news, but we still need the reminder. The people we are around inevitably affect what we do.

In that true story from when I was 17, what I was talking about was the tendency I had to use foul language. It started behind our school out on the soccer field. I would get angry at an opponent for some reason or other, my temper would rise and the curses would fly. After soccer season was over in my junior year, I decided to stop cursing all together and did pretty well. I thought I had it under control. But, as soon as my senior season started, I couldn’t resist. I got frustrated, lost my temper and the cursing inevitably followed.

I never used drugs, got addicted to cigarettes or got into drinking, but the patterns are the same.

Even more benign habits are influenced by our environment. If you have the privilege like I do of having a good relationship with your parents and get to go back to the home you grew up in, your experience may be similar to mine.

I walk in the door of my parents' home and three overwhelming urges rise up in me. I am compelled to grab some snacks, put up my feet in the recliner, and watch TV. It is like I am a teenager all over again. I could happily sit there day and night stuffing my face and watching my IQ drop.

These habits can change, of course. And, I have managed to escape my parents' home on numerous occasions without losing a single brain cell.

But, it takes introspection, an awareness of our habits and weaknesses. And, we need to know how the people around us influence us.

Then, we need to make choices. Who will we hang out with? Who will be our closest friends? And what circles will we travel in? Where will we volunteer? With whom will we worship? What organizations will we join?

Each decision will influence who we associate with and those people will influence us.

If you want to lose weight and you spend time with someone who is working hard to get their finances in order. Their practice of self-control will help you with your practice of self-control.

The same is true if you are with someone who wants to quit smoking, eat better or exercise more. Talk about it together, encourage one another and don't give up.

Church can be a great place for developing those relationships. Church is designed to be a place where we surround ourselves with people who desire to love and obey God. If you desire to grow spiritually, God designed church for you to have the encouragement that you need.

Make sure that the people in your church are people that you want to influence you spiritually. 

The key is not to find a church of perfect people. But, find a church of people who like you desire to grow spiritually, are honest about their sins and failings, and are willing to take risks to obey God.

Whether you choose to go to church or not, if you want to grow more self-controlled, surround yourself with people who share your desire.

Monks, Ninjas and Jedi Masters: More on How to Make Real lasting Changes

Like a skill, will power can be learned. But, it is more like a muscle. It must be exercised in order to stay strong and it can get fatigued.

Ever notice that when you have had a stressful day at work, it is likely that you will lose your temper on the drive home or at the kids over dinner. Your will power muscle is strained. You have spent all of your will power at work and have none left for the rest of the day.

Ever notice that when you are tired, hungry, worried, or lonely, that everything is more difficult. Trying to do homework when you feel this way takes twice as long (if you can focus on it at all.)

They did an experiment where people had to trace a geometric pattern without lifting their pencil. It looked simple but was frustrating to no end because there was no possible solution. Maybe it was something like this:

This was an intense test of their will power. How long could they keep trying to solve the puzzle before giving up?

But, to set up the experiment they had to have some people who had used up some of their will power before the test began and some, as a control group, who had not.

The set up: 67 college students were tested one by one. They were asked to skip the meal before coming to the experiment which they were deceptively told was to test their taste perceptions.

Every student entered the room to the aroma of freshly baked cookies. Before them on the table was a bowl of chocolate chip cookies and a bowl of radishes. Half of the students were asked to ignore the radishes and only eat the cookies. This, as you can imagine, took little or no will power.

The other half, however had to exert enormous self-control as they ignored the chocolate chip cookies and only ate the radishes.

After five minutes, the food was removed and they were told that they had to wait fifteen minutes before their palates would be cleansed enough to continue the experiment. “While you are waiting, please work on this little puzzle,” insinuating that the puzzle should be relatively easy. They were handed the impossible puzzle.

Those who had enjoyed the cookies, looked relaxed and peaceful. They spent an average of 27 minutes working on the puzzle before they rang the bell signaling that they had given up.

Those who had used their will power to resist eating the cookies, looked miserable, grumbling and complaining from the very beginning. They worked on the puzzle for an average of only 8 minutes before giving up!

Will power is a muscle. When you use it up it gets tired and you will give up sooner.

But, since will power is a muscle, you can flex it and exercise it and it will get stronger.

Well, I can’t guarantee that we’ll all become monks, ninjas or Jedi masters, but we can all strengthen our will power muscles.

If you use your will power to exercise every day, you will have greater will power when it comes to smoking less, drinking less, doing homework more, and eating better.

If you set budget goals with your money, making detailed logs of every penny spent, using greater will power over your finances, you will have greater will power to exercise more, smoke less, drink less, and watch less TV.

Good habits spill over into other areas of your life. Flex your will power muscle in one area and every area of your life will benefit.

It's a little strange to think about. Force yourself to practice an instrument for an hour every day, and you may lose weight and get out of debt.

So, begin. Where you begin is less important than just making sure that you do.

(Check out The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg for more info about these experiments and in general about how to make lasting change.)

Here is the next blog in the series: http://stillwatersthewatermark.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-importance-of-friendships-more-how.html

The Red Button: How to Make Real Lasting Change

How to Make Real Lasting Change

If a rat pushes the green button, they get one pellet of food immediately. If they push the purple button, they get ten pellets after ten seconds.

Given both buttons to choose from

just like us

every time

they push the green button.

So the experimenters changed it up. They only gave them one choice, the purple button. The rats pushed it, but before the ten seconds was up, they showed the green button.

If they could resist,

they would get all ten pellets.

Not a chance.

They pushed the green button and would get one lousy pellet.

Bad news for them, bad news for us.

Given the choice of long term health and fitness or death by cardiac arrest, we choose fast food, cigarettes and watching TV.

Given the choice between taking our medication, getting up early, and studying for that test, we often fail.

I am sick of getting just one pellet.

How do we change? How do we make real lasting change?

THE RED BUTTON

Hope. The next step in the experiment is informative.

They added a red button.

It didn’t give any food … ever.

But, here’s how it worked.

They would show the purple button, then show the red button. If the rat didn’t press the red button, the green button would appear, it would press the green button and get one pellet immediately. But, if they pressed the red button, the green button wouldn’t appear.

The rat could choose to block future temptation and guarantee that it would get the larger reward.

Interesting.

The present rat knows that the future rat has no self-control, so the present rat makes the choice not to let the future rat get into a situation that is tempting.

It worked…some of the time.

It may not guarantee success, but it gives us a clue.

So, how do we make real lasting change?

Start with what you want. Then, figure out what temptation is blocking you from getting what you want. Then, block yourself from that temptation. Simple? Yes, with a lot of introspection and a little creativity, we can find a way to block our future rat self from settling for one pellet.

The problem with what you want is usually that it is in the future. The further it is in the future, the less important it seems right now. Even if it is life itself, since the heart attack won’t be coming for years, we ignore it. It isn’t important right now.

So, we need to set up substitutionary rewards that allow us to enjoy in the present the good choices that we want to make each day.

Want to stop looking at porn on the internet, get Covenant Eyes installed on your computer. Everything you see on your screen gets emailed to your Mom or spouse or pastor or friend or the daily news.

The motivation is not having someone you love and respect know that you are looking at porn.

In the past, that led to secrecy and isolation, now it can lead toward reaching your goal of getting rid of the habit. Now the only way to stop your Mom from knowing you are looking at porn, is stop looking at porn.

This action in the present helps your future self choose to do what you really want to do.

How about exercise?

(Figure out what is sane, so you don’t kill yourself trying to get healthy. You may need to start small and not try to run a marathon every day.)

But, what do you love and wish you had more of now, in the present? Give that to yourself when you exercise.

Do you wish that you could listen to more music? Plug in the headphones only while you run.

Do you wish you heard more compliments? Start recording every compliment you hear for the next five years. Write them down and keep them in a compliment book. Immediately after you exercise, go read your compliment book.

Do you wish you had more money to spend on yourself? Pay yourself to exercise. Whatever you can afford, but make it worth your while. And, don’t buy anything fun for yourself except with that money.

Be creative. What will motivate you to do what you want to do? If you find a loophole, change it up and find a new reward. Don’t give up!

Knowing that something is good for us, is important, is healthy…is not enough. We need to find out what will motivate us to accomplish our goals and use that to help our future selves accomplish what we desire.

Here’sthe TED Talk by Dan Ariely about Self-control that talks about the rats.

Here is my next blog in the series: http://stillwatersthewatermark.blogspot.com/2013/02/monks-ninjas-and-jedi-masters-more-on.html