About eight years ago, I realized that I had been making
choices in my life based on what I thought was a good Christian response. Instead
of living my life in a loving relationship with God and others, I was living
according to a complex legalism based on my understanding of what was good.
I wanted to be good,
so I decided to act good.
This is the dilemma of someone who lives in a Christian
bubble. Do I act like a Christian or do I have an honest relationship with God
and those around me?
It is a tough question to answer.
My soul longs for honest relationships, but they are
difficult and messy, unpredictable and dangerous.
Acting like a Christian is safer. If we get rejected, it
is ok because I know the real me wasn’t rejected. The real me is hidden behind
this mask of Christian-ness.
As I got better and better at acting like a Christian, I
got further and further from being myself.
It left me feeling like nothing I did was ever good
enough. If I did the right Christian thing, I would feel worthy for the moment,
but know that it was just an act. If I ever did something questionable, either something
I was sure was sin or something I thought people would judge me for, I felt
guilty. At times, I felt that the opinions of my most vocal detractors were the
ones that determined my value. And sometimes, I was my own worst critic.
The legalism finally broke when I was able to see the
lies that I was believing. My worth is not based on my performance. My worth is
not based on the opinions of people. And, I began to believe the truth. I am
valuable because I was created with value. God’s opinion of me is the only one that
accurately defines me. And, His opinion is always loving and accepting even
when he is disciplining and correcting me.
The Blackwell
Companion to Christian Ethics says, “Much contemporary Christian ethics
strives to act Christianly. … It tries to make ‘Christian’ an adjective, an
epithet, a style—when what God offers his people is particular
actions—verbs—through which they can become and be distinctive nouns—people,
disciples, witnesses.”[1]
When deciding what is ethical or morally right, we can
begin to think that we should act Christianly. This leads us to lists of right
and wrong, legalism.
We begin to believe that there are “Christian” things and
“not-Christian” things. And the implication is that if you are a good
Christian, then you will do only Christian things.
To act Christianly is to act like people from my
subculture would expect me to act.
“What Would Jesus Do?” has come to mean the same thing
as, “What would I do if I knew that someone from my church was watching me and
would judge me for my actions?”
We tend to believe that Christians should do Christianly
things like go to a Christian theater (e.g. the “Sight & Sound Theatre” in
Lancaster, PA), go to a Christian amusement park (e.g “The Holy Land Experience”
in Orlando, Florida), buy Christian gifts (e.g. the bobble-head Jesus), hire Christian contractors,
and use Christian dating services.[2]
The business world has taken notice. As Christians, we
are the target of million dollar marketing strategies.
All of this may lead a child raised in this subculture to
believe that being Christianly is sufficient.
The effect on adults in the subculture is just as soul-numbing.
It has become a question of our identity.
4 Keys to Being a Christian (Instead of Acting Like One)
1 - Be yourself
Once
I realized that God wasn't calling me to fit into a Christian cookie
cutter mold and be the best Christian cookie in the bunch, I felt free
to have likes and dislikes, wants and needs. I felt like I was waking up
from a long winter and ready to breathe in the fresh air, soak up the
sun's rays, see the Spring colors and feel the cool breeze. I was ready
to live.
Be
honest about who you are, what you feel, what you think and what you
do. If you are hiding anything, then you are acting. You are trying to
please someone else. You are trying to make someone think that you are
something that you are not.
If
that someone is your spouse, start going to counseling and get it all
out on the table now. Worst case scenario: You may still have time to
save your marriage. Best case scenario: you want to build your
relationship on a strong foundation and this can only happen if the
foundation is real, honest, truthful.
If
that someone is your parents and you are living at home, be slow and
deliberate and build a strong relationship with them. If they aren't
open to that, keep trying, keep being honest.
If
that someone that you have been trying to please is anyone else, STOP.
Picture your life without them and decide whether your life will be
better off or worse off. If you decide that you want them in your life,
work on the relationship and be honest with them. If not, stop
pretending and just be yourself. They will either leave or try to force
you to leave (or change themselves). Whatever they do, it is not your
problem.
Be yourself, respect yourself and love yourself.
2 - Be alone
Some
of the most difficult times in my life have led me to value time alone
with God. It is during these times of desperation that I have learned
that I need times of solitude even when things are going well. This book by Ruth Hailey Barton was a valuable resource.
Spend time alone with your thoughts. Listen to your own heart. Be honest with yourself about your faith, your doubts, your fears, your commitments and your dreams. Do all this in the presence of God and listen for His gentle reply. he will not be harsh with you if you are being honest with Him. He will be gentle. Seek Him in the silence and solitude and you will find Him to be loving and gracious.
Honor
your commitments to people. Make your marriage and your children and
your friendships a priority. Work hard to build these into healthy
relationships where you can be yourself and honor who they are.
Reevaluate
your commitments to organizations (e.g. work, church, clubs, etc.) Why
are you involved with them? Can you be yourself there? Do you feel
accepted there? Do you feel fulfilled there? If not, either work to
change the organization or find different organizations to be connected
to that meet these criteria.
(PS - I wouldn't suggest you quit your job unless God is VERY clear or unless you have a new job lined up already.)
3 - Live
I
felt like God said I could have anything I wanted. I could pursue
anything I wanted. And, I realized that God had already brought me so much of
what I wanted. I had just lost my appreciation for them. I was
surrounded by things that I enjoy. I just had to remember how to enjoy
them.
There
are some things that I would change, but they were minor compared with
what was most important to me. I have so much to be grateful for, and now that I am enjoying
those things, if I want to make some changes, I can. I can plan a
weekend away with my wife or a family vacation or a game night with the
kids. I can do fun things because I want to, not because I have to or
because I am failing as a man if I don't. My home isn't perfect, but really, it's
pretty great. My cars aren't what I always dreamed of owning, but they
work.
I am free to enjoy what I have and try to enjoy life more.
What do you enjoy? Celebrate those things. Find new ways to enjoy life even more. Carpe Diem for you Latin lovers.
4 - Love
I
spent years of my life trying to do things for people that I thought
was loving. I did some wonderful things. I did some sacrificial things. I
worked hard. God is gracious and He blessed others through my hard
work.
But, in reality, I wasn't loving people, I was acting like I thought someone should if they loved someone else.
Pretty confusing.
Then,
God set me free to love. I felt love in my heart that I wasn't
expressing because I was too busy trying to figure out what I should do.
So, as I was learning to be myself, sitting in solitude wrestling with
my thoughts and with God, and enjoying life, I learned to love again.
Loving is very easy, but we make it complicated. We let other motives and past hurts distract us and bog us down.
Sometimes
when we treat people meanly, we use the excuse that we are just being
honest about the way we feel.
Bull $&*! We are just being mean.
If we were being honest, we would be completely honest about all that we feel including our own pain and prejudices, insecurities and fears. The conversation would leave us feeling vulnerable not overconfident. Complete honesty is love. Love can be painful, but it is never mean.
Bull $&*! We are just being mean.
If we were being honest, we would be completely honest about all that we feel including our own pain and prejudices, insecurities and fears. The conversation would leave us feeling vulnerable not overconfident. Complete honesty is love. Love can be painful, but it is never mean.
Loving
is desiring what is best for the other person regardless of how it
effects me. The greatest love is when we sacrifice our lives for
another. But, every time we set aside our own desires in order to do
what is best for another, it is love.
Let
me be clear. Sacrificing is not love. Setting aside our own desires is
not love. Doing what is best for someone else is love and sometimes that
means sacrifice.
Christ's
love for us demonstrated this beautifully. His love for us led Him to
the cross. He died for us, to reap the punishment for our sin so that we
would not have to.
As
a Christian, for me to love is for me to share Christ with those that I
meet. This is what it means to love them. But, until we learn to be
ourselves through solitude and enjoy life, loving others is impossible.
May God richly bless you with the grace to love yourself, to enjoy the life that you have and to love others.
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