Who Am I Apart from the Church that Misled Me?: My Search for Identity

I wasn’t brought up to believe anything in particular. My parents dropped me off at Sunday School. My guess is that they wanted me to be nice, to share, not steal things, and generally be a good kid, but they didn’t like any of the churches we visited, so they stayed home.

I remember having this old King James Bible with a wooden cover that was carved with an ornate cross. It had cool pictures in it that I perused at times, but I don't remember ever reading it.

I don’t remember my parents ever talking about their faith with us. But, I remember one time I said, “Jesus Christ!” as a curse word and my Dad got upset. I was shocked and really confused. 

"What did he care?"

I loved my family and always knew my role. I belonged. I was the cute one, the pest, the energetic one, the one who always wanted to play something, climb something, go somewhere. I wanted to be around people who were enjoying themselves.

After I started a relationship with Christ, I felt confused. I felt that I shouldn’t really fit in with my family any more. I was different.

Now I was a part of this group of Christians. I was one of them. I belonged there.

My Dad used to crack jokes and be sarcastic about my faith. So, I often felt on the defensive.

The church I was going to was evangelistic and I felt pressure to get my family saved. I was on a mission to introduce them to Jesus.

So I tried hard to change them, to fix them. I tried to bring up salvation whenever I could.

It became a weird dance between my Dad and me. I would try to steer the conversations toward Christ and Christianity and he would make wise cracks about not becoming a brainwashed Jesus freak. I don't think he ever said that, but that's what I heard. He was skeptical.

This went on from when I was 16 until I was in my second year of college.

I struggled with my identity. I knew that I didn’t fit in with my family, but they were my family.

And, I knew I fit in at church, so I poured myself more and more into being a part of that group. I prayed during prayer meetings, I played during youth group, I sang during worship services, and I listened when speakers spoke. I went to retreats. I hung out with my new friends. I read my Bible. I made commitments to do more, be more, and say more.

The Talk

Then, I had this talk with my Dad that changed everything.

I wanted to get him “saved” really bad. I had been going to these Evangelism Explosion classes. I knew all the tricks. I knew what to say and when. I had learned how to steer the conversation to spiritual things. I was ready.

But, I was still my Dad’s son. I still wanted his approval. I still loved him.

As I remember it, I came home from college and stayed up until he got home from work at about 1:30am or so.

Every nerve in my body was on edge. I had prayed and prayed that I would say the right thing, that it would go well. But there looking at my Dad, it became so hard to speak at all.

Tears welled up in my eyes. I told him that I loved him and that I knew he loved me. I told him that I wanted to share my faith with him and not have it be a point of contention between us.

He agreed. He told me that he wanted to help guide my faith but didn't really know how. We cried and we made a decision. We would meet every Monday night during the summer to discuss our faith. We would read Matthew together just to get things rolling but just let the conversation go wherever it would.

I don’t remember much from those talks, but I remember how they changed me.

After that summer, I was different.

My Dad and I did share our faith. And, we had a relationship built on mutual love and acceptance. We trusted one another.

And, I lost trust in my churches.

The First Lie

And, I was really shaken. I would say shaken in my faith, but it was deeper than that. I was shaken to my core. I didn't know who I was.

So much of what I had believed from what I had been taught at church was wrong. I had been told that Christians believe that the Bible was all true. I was told that Christians believe that Creation happened in seven days. I was told that Christians have a conservative political and social agenda. I was told a lot of things that just weren't true.

Evangelism Explosion helped me. It taught me that being a Christian, getting “saved”, was about Jesus dying on the cross for us, not about our views on abortion, the Pope, or politics.

After our summer together, I was sure about two things. I knew that my Dad was a Christian and I knew that I was a Christian.

I also knew that I had been believing lots of lies. I wasn’t sure what to do about that. I wasn’t sure how to move forward. I wasn't sure if I should stop believing, stop going to church, stop it all.

I have a vivid memory from my first days back at college.

It was late August, and I remember walking around the “brain” (the main drive on the Binghamton University campus which was appropriately shaped like a brain) desperately searching for God, for answers, for something that could make sense of my new reality.

What I really wanted to know, was...

“Who am I?”

I started singing a song that I had learned in youth group years earlier. It wasn’t my favorite song. And I am certainly not a good singer, but it was the only one I could think of and it brought me comfort. So, I kept singing the only line of that song that I could remember. It was the cry of my heart.

“Oh, Lord, You’re beautiful. Your face is all I seek.” (Here’s the full song if you are interested.)

I only remembered that one line, so I sang it over and over again.

I longed for some kind of settling in my soul.

Then, I began to feel it. I knew that Christ was real and that I was really His child. And, I knew that He would lead me and guide me.

I  knew that He was near and had not forgotten about me. I was not lost. I was just following a new road, so I had no way of knowing where it would lead. I would have to trust.

So, I stripped down (spiritually speaking, of course) and I walked back to my dorm. I left all those extra things that I had believed in a pile on the ground. I abandoned them. I left those and decided to build a new faith. The foundation of my faith shrunk considerably.

Here is the bottom line of what I realized:

I am a follower of Christ, a Christian, a child of God. I am not a follower of my church. I can disagree with them on any number of things and still decide to live together with them and grow spiritually with them.

I went back to the same churches that I felt had misled me.

I engaged with them more fully because I knew that they were doing their best to describe what they believed. And, I was responsible to do the same. I later became a pastor at one of those churches for 18 years.

The Second Lie

After 18 years of being a part of one church community, as their pastor, it has been strange, to say the least, to be apart from them.

For years, I was reminded what it meant to be a Christian. I was told about forgiveness and grace. I was told about walking with people through difficult times. I was told by numerous people how much they loved me and my family.

When my family was the one that needed support, I felt abandoned.

I felt lied to, again.

Half truths were told, gossip spread, and I was shunned. I was given no opportunity to speak to the church. No explanation was offered as to why, but my voice was silenced.

Again I asked myself, "Who am I? Am I defined by my weakness and sin or am I something more? Who am I?"

I struggled to find my bearings.

I went back to where it all started. Not the brain in Binghamton but to God. I went back to that place where I knew I belonged. I went to Christ.

Rachel and I went there together, day after day. Some days, it was all we could do. We sat at the feet of Jesus and asked him what was real. What lies had we believed this time?

Stripped again, spiritually speaking, I set aside the empty words of friendship and love. I set aside the meaningless promises and commitments. I set aside my own anger and frustration at not being heard. I left those false beliefs in a pile on the ground and began to walk home unburdened.

The first lie, I could chalk up to ignorance. The second lie, I realized was much darker. At times, people can choose ignorance. They can choose to reject truth. They can choose to believe what they want.

I chose forgiveness.

My identity has not changed.

The foundation of my faith hasn't even changed.

My identity is in Christ. I am His and He is mine.

(This time we didn't go back to the same church that lied to us. We started a new church, one that is defined by relationships rather than structures or programs or finances. It only exists as an extension of the relationships between those who attend. There is no building, no committees, no programs. We are the church.)

4 Keys to Being a Christian (Instead of Acting like One)

About eight years ago, I realized that I had been making choices in my life based on what I thought was a good Christian response. Instead of living my life in a loving relationship with God and others, I was living according to a complex legalism based on my understanding of what was good.

I wanted to be good, so I decided to act good.

This is the dilemma of someone who lives in a Christian bubble. Do I act like a Christian or do I have an honest relationship with God and those around me?

It is a tough question to answer.

My soul longs for honest relationships, but they are difficult and messy, unpredictable and dangerous.

Acting like a Christian is safer. If we get rejected, it is ok because I know the real me wasn’t rejected. The real me is hidden behind this mask of Christian-ness.

As I got better and better at acting like a Christian, I got further and further from being myself.

It left me feeling like nothing I did was ever good enough. If I did the right Christian thing, I would feel worthy for the moment, but know that it was just an act. If I ever did something questionable, either something I was sure was sin or something I thought people would judge me for, I felt guilty. At times, I felt that the opinions of my most vocal detractors were the ones that determined my value. And sometimes, I was my own worst critic.

The legalism finally broke when I was able to see the lies that I was believing. My worth is not based on my performance. My worth is not based on the opinions of people. And, I began to believe the truth. I am valuable because I was created with value. God’s opinion of me is the only one that accurately defines me. And, His opinion is always loving and accepting even when he is disciplining and correcting me.

The Blackwell Companion to Christian Ethics says, “Much contemporary Christian ethics strives to act Christianly. … It tries to make ‘Christian’ an adjective, an epithet, a style—when what God offers his people is particular actions—verbs—through which they can become and be distinctive nouns—people, disciples, witnesses.”^[1]

When deciding what is ethical or morally right, we can begin to think that we should act Christianly. This leads us to lists of right and wrong, legalism.

We begin to believe that there are “Christian” things and “not-Christian” things. And the implication is that if you are a good Christian, then you will do only Christian things.

To act Christianly is to act like people from my subculture would expect me to act.

“What Would Jesus Do?” has come to mean the same thing as, “What would I do if I knew that someone from my church was watching me and would judge me for my actions?”

We tend to believe that Christians should do Christianly things like go to a Christian theater (e.g. the “Sight & Sound Theatre” in Lancaster, PA), go to a Christian amusement park (e.g “The Holy Land Experience” in Orlando, Florida), buy Christian gifts (e.g. the  bobble-head Jesus), hire Christian contractors, and use Christian dating services.^[2]

The business world has taken notice. As Christians, we are the target of million dollar marketing strategies.

All of this may lead a child raised in this subculture to believe that being Christianly is sufficient.

The effect on adults in the subculture is just as soul-numbing.

It has become a question of our identity.

4 Keys to Being a Christian (Instead of Acting Like One)

1 - Be yourself

Once I realized that God wasn't calling me to fit into a Christian cookie cutter mold and be the best Christian cookie in the bunch, I felt free to have likes and dislikes, wants and needs. I felt like I was waking up from a long winter and ready to breathe in the fresh air, soak up the sun's rays, see the Spring colors and feel the cool breeze. I was ready to live.

Be honest about who you are, what you feel, what you think and what you do. If you are hiding anything, then you are acting. You are trying to please someone else. You are trying to make someone think that you are something that you are not.

If that someone is your spouse, start going to counseling and get it all out on the table now. Worst case scenario: You may still have time to save your marriage. Best case scenario: you want to build your relationship on a strong foundation and this can only happen if the foundation is real, honest, truthful.

If that someone is your parents and you are living at home, be slow and deliberate and build a strong relationship with them. If they aren't open to that, keep trying, keep being honest.

If that someone that you have been trying to please is anyone else, STOP. Picture your life without them and decide whether your life will be better off or worse off. If you decide that you want them in your life, work on the relationship and be honest with them. If not, stop pretending and just be yourself. They will either leave or try to force you to leave (or change themselves). Whatever they do, it is not your problem.

Be yourself, respect yourself and love yourself.

2 - Be alone

Some of the most difficult times in my life have led me to value time alone with God. It is during these times of desperation that I have learned that I need times of solitude even when things are going well. This book by Ruth Hailey Barton was a valuable resource.

Spend time alone with your thoughts. Listen to your own heart. Be honest with yourself about your faith, your doubts, your fears, your commitments and your dreams. Do all this in the presence of God and listen for His gentle reply. he will not be harsh with you if you are being honest with Him. He will be gentle. Seek Him in the silence and solitude and you will find Him to be loving and gracious.

Honor your commitments to people. Make your marriage and your children and your friendships a priority. Work hard to build these into healthy relationships where you can be yourself and honor who they are.

Reevaluate your commitments to organizations (e.g. work, church, clubs, etc.) Why are you involved with them? Can you be yourself there? Do you feel accepted there? Do you feel fulfilled there? If not, either work to change the organization or find different organizations to be connected to that meet these criteria.

(PS - I wouldn't suggest you quit your job unless God is VERY clear or unless you have a new job lined up already.)

3 - Live

I felt like God said I could have anything I wanted. I could pursue anything I wanted. And, I realized that God had already brought me so much of what I wanted. I had just lost my appreciation for them. I was surrounded by things that I enjoy. I just had to remember how to enjoy them.

There are some things that I would change, but they were minor compared with what was most important to me. I have so much to be grateful for, and now that I am enjoying those things, if I want to make some changes, I can. I can plan a weekend away with my wife or a family vacation or a game night with the kids. I can do fun things because I want to, not because I have to or because I am failing as a man if I don't. My home isn't perfect, but really, it's pretty great. My cars aren't what I always dreamed of owning, but they work.

I am free to enjoy what I have and try to enjoy life more.

What do you enjoy? Celebrate those things. Find new ways to enjoy life even more. Carpe Diem for you Latin lovers.

4 - Love

I spent years of my life trying to do things for people that I thought was loving. I did some wonderful things. I did some sacrificial things. I worked hard. God is gracious and He blessed others through my hard work.

But, in reality, I wasn't loving people, I was acting like I thought someone should if they loved someone else.

Pretty confusing.

Then, God set me free to love. I felt love in my heart that I wasn't expressing because I was too busy trying to figure out what I should do. So, as I was learning to be myself, sitting in solitude wrestling with my thoughts and with God, and enjoying life, I learned to love again.

Loving is very easy, but we make it complicated. We let other motives and past hurts distract us and bog us down.

Sometimes when we treat people meanly, we use the excuse that we are just being honest about the way we feel.

Bull $&*! We are just being mean.

If we were being honest, we would be completely honest about all that we feel including our own pain and prejudices, insecurities and fears. The conversation would leave us feeling vulnerable not overconfident. Complete honesty is love. Love can be painful, but it is never mean.

Loving is desiring what is best for the other person regardless of how it effects me. The greatest love is when we sacrifice our lives for another. But, every time we set aside our own desires in order to do what is best for another, it is love.

Let me be clear. Sacrificing is not love. Setting aside our own desires is not love. Doing what is best for someone else is love and sometimes that means sacrifice.

Christ's love for us demonstrated this beautifully. His love for us led Him to the cross. He died for us, to reap the punishment for our sin so that we would not have to.

As a Christian, for me to love is for me to share Christ with those that I meet. This is what it means to love them. But, until we learn to be ourselves through solitude and enjoy life, loving others is impossible.

May God richly bless you with the grace to love yourself, to enjoy the life that you have and to love others.

---

1 Stanley Hauerwas and Samuel Wells, The Blackwell Companion to Christian Ethics, 1st ed. (Wiley-Blackwell, 2006), 13.

2 Sight & Sound Theatres, Lancaster, Strasburg, PA,” http://www.sight-sound.com/WebSiteSS/getlanguages.do (accessed August 28, 2011); “The Holy Land Experience - Orlando Florida,” http://www.holyland-orlando.com/ (accessed August 28, 2011).

4 Reasons NOT to Use the Word Christian

When I was just about to turn 16, I got “saved” after a retreat.

What I didn’t realize was that besides being welcomed into Christ’s family, I was also being inducted into an evangelical Christian subculture that had some quirks.

I was introduced to Christian rock music. I was given a mix tape with Keith Green and Steve Camp. I loved it. Later, I bought a Stryper album called "To Hell with the Devil". They describe themselves as a Christian metal band. Carman had songs like "Spirit filled Pizza" and "Champion". Petra was the most popular Christian rock band of the time with songs like "This Means War!"

Though not maliciously, I was being indoctrinated into a culture in part through its music.

I was learning the lingo.

I was becoming one of them.

I started to learn to use the word "Christian" as an adjective.

Using “Christian” as an adjective

Have you ever worn a Christian T-shirt?

To a Christian concert?

At a Christian college?

To hear a Christian band?

A sign that something is terribly wrong in our subculture is that the word “Christian” has become an adjective.

It actually doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. We use Christian as an adjective to describe something we want to associate with. Christian music is safe for my kids to listen to and shares a message that I approve. Christian radio stations play Christian music (and ask for donations). Christian plumbers pray before they go to work on my clogged drain and won’t try to rip me off when they hand me a bill.

"Christian" seems like a helpful descriptor and can be benign.

What happens in reality is more destructive.

When we hear that something is labeled “Christian”, our brains can be short-circuited. I skip steps because I believe lies. I get lazy. I stop listening to the Holy Spirit.

Lie #1 – “Christian” means truthful.

We tend to think that if something is labeled Christian than it is truthful.

“The Christian right” claim to espouse Christian views on abortion, euthanasia, and politics in general. Christian views on anything are suspect. We tend to think that we can capture the truth in a sentence, a paragraph or an argument. And, then we see that view begin to lose its power and its vitality. We have just killed whatever truth we had by trying to capture it in words, in the law.

Jesus is the truth. Nothing else will set us free.

We know that many people who are Christians speak lies and sing lies and preach lies. And, we know that we do it ourselves. Not that all of us are habitual liars or even that we lie intentionally. But, when we speak, we can easily insert our faulty opinion alongside the truth.

We need to train ourselves to always be discerning, to always be critically aware of what we are hearing. When we accept something as truth simply because it comes from a “Christian” source, we are abandoning the core of our faith.

The first disciples in Berea were celebrated because of their diligence in searching the Scripture to see if what they were hearing was true. And, they were listening to the guy who eventually wrote most of the books of the New Testament.

Be discerning.

Lie #2 – “Christian” means we are friends.

At times, the Christian label hurts businesses as much as customers.

Two Christian brothers started a landscaping business and have developed a reputation as being excellent at their work. One of them told me that they are always more hesitant to work for customers who think that because they are Christians they should work for less.

Sometimes the customers ask for a price break up front. Other times they try to take advantage of their kindness or friendly nature by asking them to do extra work for free. Sometimes they just won’t pay thinking that Christians won’t be mean and bring them to court or send them to a collection agency.

Just because a person doing business is a Christian, it doesn’t mean he should build your deck for free. That’s what your friends are for.

Lie #3 – “Christian” means better.

“Did you wear a Christian T-shirt?”

Just by asking the question, it sounds like judgment. I will judge you based on whether you did the right thing or not by using my handy “Christian” adjective.

Someone from my youth group had a shirt that said, “They will know we are Christians by our T-shirts.”

This ironic shirt highlights the belief that Christian T-shirts somehow glorify God, while other T-shirts do not. They are better than other T-shirts.

The same can be said about Christian schools and colleges, Christian music or Christian art. We equate the adjective with being approved by God and therefore qualitatively better.

On the other hand, in the case of movies, "Christian" has come to mean bad acting and poor scripts with a blatantly obvious moral. No thought necessary.

Which is a better movie, Left Behind or Les Miserables? Easy answer.

Which is a Christian movie? The question is jarring to me.  A “Christian movie”? What does that even mean?

Lie #4 - "Christian" means only for a select group of people.

For many who don't follow Christ, "Christian" as an adjective turns them off. They assume that since it is "Christian" than it doesn't apply to them.

Let’s abandon the adjective Christian. Whatever connotations it brings up aren't helpful.

It is lazy at best and destructive at worst.

If we live in a religious world where things are labeled "Christian", we tend to think that we have to like these Christian things in order to be a Christian, to fit in. This does more to push people away from Christ than it does to draw them near. It is destructive.

If we don't live in this world, the thought process might be, "If that is 'Christian' and I am not a Christian, then it is not for me."

Becoming a Christian is hard enough: confessing our sins to God, believing that Christ died on the cross to pay the penalty for our sins, that we are forgiven and believing that Christ rose from the dead in order to be the first of many to rise again and go to be with the Father in heaven.

Let's not push people away with labels before they even face the claims of Christ.

The Bottom Line

"Christian" is a noun. Only a person can be a Christian.

(Full Disclosure: Maybe a community of people who follow Christ could be considered a Christian community if the desire is to distinguish it from a Hindu or Buddhist community. I might even suggest that the New Testament could be described as the Christian Scriptures for distinction from the Hebrew Scriptures. Beyond that, I don’t see any use for the adjective.)

You Might be in an Evangelical Christian Bubble if... My Top 15

Just for the record, I am not a redneck. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against rednecks. In fact, some of my friends are rednecks.

I don't know much about being a redneck, but channeling my inner Jeff Foxworthy, I decided to write a light-hearted look at the evangelical Christian subculture.

If you have any doubt whether you might be living in this sometimes bizarre cultural bubble...

You might be living in an Evangelical Christian bubble if you have ever...

15 - Said, "Happy Resurrection Day!"

14 - Worn a wristband that said, "What Would Jesus Do?"

13 - Had a debate about whether the Pope is the Anti-Christ.

12 - Owned multiple copies of the Bible, some with profound insights and others with down-to-earth real-life applications (and don't read any of them).

11 - Wondered if your favorite celebrity is "really" a Christian.

10 - Gotten one of those awkward side hugs.

9 - Prayed "for traveling mercies," "for everyone whose sick to feel better," or the intriguing, "unspoken" request.

8 - Kept quiet because you were afraid of being judged for how you really felt about an issue. 

7 - Felt pressured to invite your friends to youth group or church, but decided not to because you thought they wouldn't be welcomed.

6 - Sung a 7-11 song, (a song with 7 words that you repeat 11 times).

5 - Had a mental top ten list of the "worst" sins (smoking, having sex, drinking beer, homosexuality, abortion...).

4 - Been advised to "love the sinner, hate the sin" or told "all things work together for good" or my personal favorite, counseled that "you should definitely pray about that."

3 - Had an "accountability partner", (in other cultures, these are referred to as "friends").

2 - Put on a fake smile when you entered the church.

1 - Used "Christian" as an adjective to describe a T-shirt.

HINT: If you were offended by something on this list, you are definitely in the bubble. Being offended by other people's views is very bubblish. But, if you felt proud that some of them don't describe you because you are more enlightened than that, then you too may be in the bubble. Spiritual pride is definitely a characteristic of the bubble.

If you can't imagine anyone ever believing some of that stuff, then you have probably escaped unscathed.

I hope this list reminds us all to laugh at ourselves and our quirky ways.

God's grace is sufficient for us.

What things are on your list?