Lost Your Faith? It's Time to Rebuild, Part 2 - Building on the Foundation

Our home has a pretty open floor plan. We like having less walls and more room to run and play, laugh and dance. We throw balls and climb walls. When the kids were smaller we had a basketball hoop tied to a pillar in our living room. Check it out in the background of this cute picture of Rachel and Ryan.

We designed our home to be practical, usable, a place to have fun.

In fact, we were able to design our home on the computer before it was built. In the original plans, we wanted to have an open kitchen, dining room and living room on the first floor with only one closed room with doors that could serve as a bedroom for an elderly grandparent or parent if it was ever needed.

When the architect looked at our floor plan, he quickly saw the problem. We had no support for the second floor. Unfortunately, if we didn’t put in posts for support, we would have soon had a one story house. It would have collapsed under its own weight.

So, we compromised.

That’s what we do, isn’t it. We have plans and dreams and hopes and desires. Then, we face reality and we make choices. Some things are worth the extra money, extra time, or extra work to have them just so, and other things aren’t. They just aren’t that important.

Some walls in our house are weight bearing walls; others are simply for design purposes. Together they make up the structure of our house.

Confuse the two when we are doing remodeling and there can be big problems.

The same can be said for our houses of faith. Assuming that we are building on a solid foundation, (To see Part 1 of this series to learn more about a solid foundation, click here) we need supporting walls. These are important truths that aren’t foundational.

In fact, a solid foundation is so singular, so precise, there is no room for most of our beliefs. Besides the foundational belief, everything else falls in one of two categories. beliefs are either structural or décor.

The Structure

What are these structural beliefs? Here are a few examples of what might be structural to you.

(For some, these concepts might not have an impact on your faith and so for you they wouldn't be structural but rather part of the décor. For others, some of these beliefs may take priority over others. Those that take priority would be weight bearing walls.)

Is the Bible inspired by God? Is it true? Does it contain errors and misrepresentations of God, people, the earth, etc.? And to what extent?

Was the world created in 7 literal days? Was it created over millions of years? Was there a literal Adam and Eve or are they representations or symbols?

Was Christ truly born of a virgin? Did he know that he was the Son of God all His life or did he learn that as he grew up? What was the significance of his baptism by John?

What is our responsibility to the poor, to the outcast, to prisoners, to modern day slaves, to the mentally ill, to the physically disabled, to any who are oppressed?

What is our responsibility to the world, to our countries, to our people, to our culture? Are we to evangelize with words or deeds or both? As citizens, what is our responsibility? Are we to vote if we are able?

Will there be a rapture? Is the anti-Christ really coming? Will there be a thousand years when Christ will reign on this earth? Or are these symbolic ways to understand the end times?

Our perspectives about communion, baptism, the church, the differences between men and women, etc. are all structural beliefs. Some are more important than others based on our perspective.

These are our structural beliefs and though they change over time, they give shape to our faith. Some years, we focus on activism. Others we lean inward for spiritual renewal and growth. Some years we focus on grief and healing. Others we lean toward celebration.

Like my physical house, my house of faith has an open floor plan. I have some main pillars for support, but lots of open spaces for conversation and interaction. If we can agree on our foundation, I am not closed off to too many ideas. I love discussing beliefs with others who have well-thought out floor plans of faith.

What your house of faith looks like, depends largely on how you answer this question: What beliefs are important to me? What beliefs, if they changed, would change how I perceive God, myself, and the world around me?

My advice to you is to build slowly, methodically. Hold everything lightly with open hands. Begin forming your opinions but keep an open mind. And never be afraid to tear down one of these beliefs and start over. But, do so deliberately, lovingly. We want our homes and our house of faith to be inviting and welcoming. We want them to be a safe place for us and for others.

If we have too many firm, unshakable beliefs, we might feel more secure, safer. We might feel like we are defending the true faith. But, what happens is we build lots of walls in our home. Our rooms become cramped and uncomfortable. Others don't feel welcome. And our faith house becomes a cold and uninviting place.

Build your house of faith with love and grace.

The Décor

The décor is what makes us feel at home. If you live in a house, think what it would be like if you removed all of your stuff and went to live somewhere else. Then, someone buys the house and moves in all of their stuff.

Is it the same house? Yes, of course.

But, is it your home? No, not really.

The furniture is different.
The paintings are different.
The feel is different.
The smell is different.
It just isn’t home.
That is what I mean by décor.

Décor is what makes your faith your own. If you and I took a multiple choice test on what we believe, we may check the same boxes off. But, our faith is still different.

Faith is mysterious that way. It can be shared in the sense that we can journey together with others, grow together, enjoy their company, but we never have the same faith. Our faith is unique, personal.

My house of faith is fit for me, right now. But over the years it has looked quite different. My tastes have changed. I like to spend more time alone than I did 20 years ago. Where I used to wear vibrant colors, I now enjoy more earth tones. As I have changed, my décor has changed.

But, the house, the house has remained pretty much the same since seminary.

I used to judge others based on my house of faith. I would assume that if others disagreed with me, it was because they were wrong and I was right. I didn't realize that their faith could be right for them though it was wrong for me.

It sounds so much like relativism as I type it. But, it is something much more. It is the infinite ability of a loving God to meet each of us where we are and not just leave us there, but to guide and lead and love us toward Himself.

Every person’s faith is unique. Each person’s relationship with Christ develops differently over time based on things that we cannot quantify or calculate.

Every house of faith is unique, specific to the person who lives there.

The Belief Test: Which Belief Is Which

If you aren't sure whether a belief is foundational, structural or décor, take this simple test:

Is it worth dying for? Is it worth living for?
Is it important? Does it add to my understanding of God, faith, and life?
Is it something that makes me feel comfortable and feels fresh and new?

My foundation is worth dying for.

Almost all of the apostles and many Christians to this day, have been martyred for their faith because they would not deny their foundation. Some report that more have been killed in the past century than at any other time in history. By one estimate, the year 2000 was the peak at 160,000 martyred for their faith in Christ. (The report acknowledges that the faith of individuals cannot be determined with certainty, so they calculate how many were killed because they were believed to be Christians.)

My foundation is also worth living for. I can spend the rest of my life in the service of Christ, sharing the good news of eternal life, the Gospel and I won't regret it. I won't.

But, my structure… not so much.

I wouldn’t choose to die to defend the right to have an abortion or a law making it illegal to have one. I wouldn’t die for Creation vs. the Big Bang, the virginal conception of Christ, a method of baptism, or details about communion.

My structural beliefs are real and important because they help me to make sense of my life and my faith. But, they are not worth living or dying for.

My décor? I hate even wasting breath on those. I could argue for or against them. Based on the time of day or what I had for dinner last night, I could argue either side depending on who wanted to argue with me. It just isn’t worth it. They make me feel comfortable. They bring a smile to my face. They are not important.

Throughout History

Denominations split over structural beliefs. Churches divide over décor. Individuals leave churches over décor. Rarely do we ever find ourselves arguing over foundational truths.

What Now?

Check your foundation. Do you have a relationship with Christ? (To see Part 1 of this series to learn more about a solid foundation, click here).

The fastest and simplest way to build your structural beliefs is to read the Bible and pray. Study the Bible. As you read, listen to the Holy Spirit guiding you. What resonates with your soul? What makes you feel alive and refreshes your soul?

When you lose your faith, it is normal to give up or feel lost and confused. Be patient with yourself. Rebuild your faith slowly and deliberately. Find some friends and let them be your church, your fellow journeyers in the faith.

There will be some rough times ahead. Be gracious to yourself and others. Your new house of faith might look quite different than what used to be acceptable to your old friends.

Give them time to adjust as you grow and change.

Don't build your walls to shut people out. Build them to welcome people and invite them in. As your house of faith takes shape you will be more and more comfortable with it. But, don't wait until its finished before you have guests.

May God bless you as you build. He is faithful and will guide you.

Lost Your Faith? It's Time to Rebuild - Part 1 - The Foundation

If you are able to read this, then my confident belief is that you have faith. I agree with James Fowler and many other experts in the field of faith development…

"I believe faith is a human universal." (from Stages of Faith)

If it is true that we all have faith, then I believe that it is also true that all of us have had or will have serious doubts about our faith.

When we realize that we have put our faith in the wrong things or the wrong people, we come to a crisis of faith. We have to choose what to keep and what to throw away. And, sometimes, we have to start all over from scratch.

Do you feel like you've lost your faith?

Do you wonder what is true, what is real?

Do you want to start over, but don't know how?

This is a guide to rebuilding your faith, when you realize that you have based your life on a faith that is a lie. When you realize that you no longer have faith in the things you used to believe.

Re-Building a House of Faith

When I talk about faith, I like to use the illustration of a house. A house has a foundation, structure, and décor.

If you build a new foundation, it is because you want to build a new house. So, it is important to make sure the foundation is solid before you start building. That way the house will last a lifetime.

In house building, you usually start with the blueprints, the layout of the house that you want and then you build a foundation to fit under and support it

Not so with a house of faith.

A house of faith can only be built once you have chosen a foundation. This is the first level of your faith. It is where you must begin. Your first choice.

If you feel like you have lost your faith, you may recognize something from this list that you had put your faith in.

Myself - Talent, Intellect, Charisma
Religion - Superstition, Idolatry, Rituals, Tradition
My Feelings - Love, Revenge
Others’ Expectations - Parents, Teachers, Friends, My Own
Financial Security - Work, Wealth, Inheritance, the Lottery
Logic - Science, Reason, Education, Training
Personal Righteousness - Purity, Perfectionism, Comparison to Others
Heritage - Ancestry, Family Name
Political Power - Manipulating Others for Personal Gain
Strength - Physical Power, Emotional Distance
Fame

Did you find something there that you had trusted? Something that proved to be false and untrustworthy?
We tend to trust what seems to work. We trust our senses, our education, our parents or our tradition. We trust ourselves and whatever gives us the illusion of being in control.

Whether we feel that we have these things or just are working toward them, we can easily be deceived and think that these things are worthy of our trust. So, we put our faith in them.

We all have a tendency to put our faith in the wrong things. When we do, we wind up having a weak foundation for our house of faith. When the storms of life come, our houses can easily crumble.

I am a Christian, so I truly believe that the only solid foundation is the Gospel message, a relationship with Christ. I believe that any other foundation, at best, is incomplete and at worst is a complete lie.

If you disagree, please bear with me. Look at that list above. People have put their faith in everyone of those things. Each one is dependent on people. People fail. We fail. I fail. You fail. Putting our complete trust in a person, even ourselves, can't work.

If we build our lives on trusting a person, our faith will be broken and we will have to rebuild... again. And, if you are thinking about rebuilding now or have had to in the past, you know how painful it is, how confusing it is and how the sooner we can start building on the right foundation, the better.

A foundation built on a lie is like building on sand. The house can be perfectly formed with beautiful architecture and magnificently decorated. But, the first sign of a major storm, of waves or a strong wind and the whole house crumbles. Without a firm foundation, the house has no anchor, no strength.

But, a foundation built on the truth of Christ is like building on solid rock that cannot be shaken. Storms, waves, wind cannot destroy what has been built.

The Solid Foundation

Our only hope for a solid foundation is a relationship with Christ. This is based on the immeasurable, matchless love that God has for us all and His infinite grace.

When we surrender our need to control and figure out and manipulate and twist and turn,

When we see that all that we do to make a sure foundation is faulty and twisted by our own sinfulness,

When we admit that we are too weak to even try to build a new foundation, we are starting to get close.

We realize that we are overwhelmingly broken and hurting and in need and we cry out to God and say, I can't rebuild. I have lost faith. I have lost hope.

I can't go on.
 I can't try again.
  I can't even begin.
   I just can't.

Then, we are ever so close. It is here that God meets us. It is here that God who has loved us each moment of our lives pours out His love and grace and offers us His son, Jesus Christ.

Jesus, who was sinless Himself, laid down His life. Though many cried out, "Crucify him!" and others nailed him to the cross, no one took his life from him.

He laid it down.

He gave his life freely, because of his love and the love of His Father. He chose death, so that we could have life.

He laid down his life and then he picked it back up. He died to pay the penalty for our sins and then he rose again so that we too might one day rise again to have life, to be forever with the Father.

This is the foundation. Receiving the gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ.

This gift is the only solid foundation. It is a gift, freely given and must be received to be enjoyed.

Any other foundation is built on us, our efforts, our abilities, our strength.
Every other foundation will fail because we fail. We sin.
Christ and his love never fail. His grace is enough.

This is the foundation that we all can depend on.

If you want this foundation but need more help in receiving it, it is spoken about throughout the Bible. Read the book of Romans and ask God to reveal to you the truth of the Gospel. He is faithful and will gladly receive you, forgive you and give you eternal life.

Romans 3:23 - For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Romans 6:23 - For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 10-8-13 - “The word is near you, in your mouth and in your heart” (that is, the word of faith that we proclaim); because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.” For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him. For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

There is no magic prayer to pray or special ceremony. But, if you choose to rebuild your house of faith on the foundation of a relationship with Christ. A prayer like this might be helpful to you:

"God, I have tried. I have tried to trust and to believe, but my house of faith is not strong. It is weak because I have sinned. I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross to pay the penalty for my sins. I believe. I believe that He died to give me the gift of eternal life. So, I choose to put my trust in him and to receive that gift. I trust you to help me build a house of faith that is true and real and will last for my entire life. I trust you. In Jesus, my Savior's name, I pray, Amen."

(Please leave a comment or contact me if you want more help in understanding this good news. It has transformed my life, and it can yours as well.)

Part 2 of this blog talks about the structure and decor of your house of faith. Click here.

Losing Faith: The Best Thing that Could Have Happened to Me

Going to College

When I left high school, I was a leader in my church youth group. I had brought people to youth group with me. Our youth group leader had led some of them to Christ, and I was confident in my faith.

I arrived at college a couple of weeks early to try out for the soccer team, so the place was pretty much deserted. Parties were held every night, but alcohol wasn't appealing to me, so I spent a lot of time alone.

Current research out of the Fuller Youth Institute suggests that the first two weeks of college are crucial for students. Most students will fall into some temptation or other, but how they deal with it, who they talk to about it and how much they dwell on it can set the tone for the rest of their time away from home.

After classes started for real, I wanted to make some friends, but I felt completely out of my element. So I decided to go out partying with a friend from high school. I still didn't drink, but I didn't know what else to do, so I went along and became the designated driver.

One time, there were eight or nine of us heading to a party. So, my friend from high school hopped in the trunk and rode to the party.

That was the most memorable thing that happened that night. The party was boring. I played quarters, a drinking game, but I drank shots of Sprite. It was stupid. The atmosphere was bizarre and kind of surreal. I felt totally out of place and had no desire to do what it took to feel "in place".

At the next party, I found myself wandering around on the street outside a frat house. They had supposedly spiked the punch with pure grain alcohol that wouldn't leave any alcohol taste. They had two flavors and kept serving my friends grape instead of cherry. They figured that the alcohol was only being served to the frat guys and the girls because none of my friends were getting drunk. So, I offered to get a cup, assuming that I could taste the alcohol or more quickly feel the effects of it since I was a non-drinker.

I couldn't taste anything and didn't feel a buzz. I told them they were probably being pranked and went outside to walk around.

I found another non-drinker, Antoine, who was also looking to make friends.

We ate some donuts, began talking and stopped going to parties.We had found what we were looking for. We made another friend, Pete and eventually we all became suite mates.

Pete and I found a church and joined a couple of Christian clubs on campus. I felt confident that I had survived the transition to college without losing my faith.

House of Faith

I like to use the analogy of a house when I talk about faith. It takes time to build. We each build our homes differently based on lots of variables from life experience to personality to circumstances.

And a house has three important aspects: the foundation, the structure and the décor.

I was sure that I had a firm foundation. Unfortunately, I was inexperienced and had little understanding of my faith. So, I began to build out instead of up.

Like an untrained builder, I was building my house away from the foundation. It hung off the edges and was supported by my intellect, personality, wit and logic. I was trusting in the wrong things. I was trusting largely in myself and my ability to understand and interpret the teaching of others. I became the judge of what was right and wrong.

(I looked for a picture on the internet of a house built hanging out away from a solid foundation, but there aren't any. I guess that's because no one does that. Here's one interesting picture I found, though.)

http://favim.com/image/121394

I could explain my points and “win” some arguments.

Then I had the talk (which I mentioned in an earlier blog, click here) with my father, an ongoing conversation that lasted for a whole summer.

That conversation shook my house of faith. It washed away all of the things that had no foundation and damaged the structural integrity of those things that did. I wasn’t sure what I could trust, what was real.

I learned to trust my intellect from my Dad. And my intellect and his intellect led us to different places.

I felt paralyzed by fear. I was afraid to think that I had been wrong. I was afraid to think that I had wasted so much of my life and energy on lies.

In time, I discovered that my foundation was unshaken, undamaged. I still believed in Christ. I still had a relationship with Christ. And, that was the realization I needed in order to have the courage to keep going. I tore down the rest of the house and started over.

I began to rebuild my house of faith. I read the Bible through from beginning to end. I started paying closer attention to what I was being taught. I checked things with Scripture. I had not learned the difference between exegesis, drawing conclusions out from the Scripture, and eisegesis, reading one’s ideas into the Bible, (e.g. drawing conclusions and then finding Scripture to support it). So, I still was making lots of assumptions, but I was sticking closer to my foundational beliefs.

Losing Faith, Again

So, my second house of faith was more carefully built.

In seminary, post-graduate training for a life as a pastor, I found myself in another storm. Even after what I had been through the first time, I wasn't ready for this.

I knew that my professors were incredibly intelligent. I believed that they loved Christ. And yet, they were telling me that many of the things I had been taught in church and Sunday School were untrue.

They taught me to study the Bible as literature. They taught me new ways of understanding the inerrancy and inspiration of Scripture. They taught me to question everything that I had learned up to that point.

I realized that so much of what I believed was based on other people’s opinions and interpretations of the Scripture rather than a prayerful, careful study of them. In seminary, I learned that there are many different ways to interpret the Bible and each way was inadequate to grasp the richness and wonder and glory of God.

They taught me to stop striving for the right answers and start striving for honest answers.

I learned to say, "That's not really clear from Scripture. There are different views on that. My best understanding is..."

God is an Ocean

To use a different analogy, as a teen, I was taught about the ocean, that is God, and thought that I had grasped it. I was taught about its vastness and its power. I was taught how to understand it.

After my conversation with my Dad, I began to visit the ocean, to feel the breezes, smell the salt filled air, and put my feet in the wet sand. I met artists on the beach painting seascapes and eventually I even started trying to capture it for myself.

In seminary, I learned to swim. I gave up the hope of ever capturing the ocean with my ideas or pictures, and I embraced its greatness and enjoyed exploring its beauty. I let it wash over me and envelop me.

The ocean is powerful. Most days, I stay close to the shore afraid of what the deep waters might bring. But, some days I feel brave, I trust God a little more, and I lose sight of the land for a little while. I like those days... when all there is is God. (Writing about it now is making me long for it. I need to plan my next trip.)

Katie frolicking in Washington, on the Pacific Coast

So, with the help of my professors, I tore down my house of faith again. This time, I knew the foundation was good. I even kept some of the weight bearing walls. My relationship with Christ was strong. It had stood the test of time.

And, then, over three years, they taught me how to build. I was free to build and shape my house however I wanted. Each paper I wrote, each discussion in class, and each personal encounter about some theological concept or practical ministry decision was an opportunity for them to show me the strength and weakness of my construction.

They taught me to know the limitations of my understanding and my theology, to hold my ideas with humility and grace. They helped me to see how my personality, experiences, and upbringing led me to certain beliefs. Others with different backgrounds were led in other ways.

My way wasn’t the right way and the other way wrong. Each had its strengths and weaknesses. Each was incomplete. But, they both provided shelter, security and a way to understand the world around us.

After having my house torn down twice already, I was afraid to build anything. They helped me get over my fear of saying, “I believe…” this or that. To begin construction again. But, they also helped me to engage with other beliefs without fear of losing my own faith.

After 21 years in ministry, my house of faith is still standing on the rock, the true foundation, Jesus Christ. I have moved some walls and definitely changed the décor, but

my faith is secure.

I appreciate the shelter that it provides, trusting God to hold me even if the walls fall again.

Our God is faithful. He will carry us through every trial. He only tears down our faith so that he can rebuild it again, stronger.

Who Am I Apart from the Church that Misled Me?: My Search for Identity

I wasn’t brought up to believe anything in particular. My parents dropped me off at Sunday School. My guess is that they wanted me to be nice, to share, not steal things, and generally be a good kid, but they didn’t like any of the churches we visited, so they stayed home.

I remember having this old King James Bible with a wooden cover that was carved with an ornate cross. It had cool pictures in it that I perused at times, but I don't remember ever reading it.

I don’t remember my parents ever talking about their faith with us. But, I remember one time I said, “Jesus Christ!” as a curse word and my Dad got upset. I was shocked and really confused. 

"What did he care?"

I loved my family and always knew my role. I belonged. I was the cute one, the pest, the energetic one, the one who always wanted to play something, climb something, go somewhere. I wanted to be around people who were enjoying themselves.

After I started a relationship with Christ, I felt confused. I felt that I shouldn’t really fit in with my family any more. I was different.

Now I was a part of this group of Christians. I was one of them. I belonged there.

My Dad used to crack jokes and be sarcastic about my faith. So, I often felt on the defensive.

The church I was going to was evangelistic and I felt pressure to get my family saved. I was on a mission to introduce them to Jesus.

So I tried hard to change them, to fix them. I tried to bring up salvation whenever I could.

It became a weird dance between my Dad and me. I would try to steer the conversations toward Christ and Christianity and he would make wise cracks about not becoming a brainwashed Jesus freak. I don't think he ever said that, but that's what I heard. He was skeptical.

This went on from when I was 16 until I was in my second year of college.

I struggled with my identity. I knew that I didn’t fit in with my family, but they were my family.

And, I knew I fit in at church, so I poured myself more and more into being a part of that group. I prayed during prayer meetings, I played during youth group, I sang during worship services, and I listened when speakers spoke. I went to retreats. I hung out with my new friends. I read my Bible. I made commitments to do more, be more, and say more.

The Talk

Then, I had this talk with my Dad that changed everything.

I wanted to get him “saved” really bad. I had been going to these Evangelism Explosion classes. I knew all the tricks. I knew what to say and when. I had learned how to steer the conversation to spiritual things. I was ready.

But, I was still my Dad’s son. I still wanted his approval. I still loved him.

As I remember it, I came home from college and stayed up until he got home from work at about 1:30am or so.

Every nerve in my body was on edge. I had prayed and prayed that I would say the right thing, that it would go well. But there looking at my Dad, it became so hard to speak at all.

Tears welled up in my eyes. I told him that I loved him and that I knew he loved me. I told him that I wanted to share my faith with him and not have it be a point of contention between us.

He agreed. He told me that he wanted to help guide my faith but didn't really know how. We cried and we made a decision. We would meet every Monday night during the summer to discuss our faith. We would read Matthew together just to get things rolling but just let the conversation go wherever it would.

I don’t remember much from those talks, but I remember how they changed me.

After that summer, I was different.

My Dad and I did share our faith. And, we had a relationship built on mutual love and acceptance. We trusted one another.

And, I lost trust in my churches.

The First Lie

And, I was really shaken. I would say shaken in my faith, but it was deeper than that. I was shaken to my core. I didn't know who I was.

So much of what I had believed from what I had been taught at church was wrong. I had been told that Christians believe that the Bible was all true. I was told that Christians believe that Creation happened in seven days. I was told that Christians have a conservative political and social agenda. I was told a lot of things that just weren't true.

Evangelism Explosion helped me. It taught me that being a Christian, getting “saved”, was about Jesus dying on the cross for us, not about our views on abortion, the Pope, or politics.

After our summer together, I was sure about two things. I knew that my Dad was a Christian and I knew that I was a Christian.

I also knew that I had been believing lots of lies. I wasn’t sure what to do about that. I wasn’t sure how to move forward. I wasn't sure if I should stop believing, stop going to church, stop it all.

I have a vivid memory from my first days back at college.

It was late August, and I remember walking around the “brain” (the main drive on the Binghamton University campus which was appropriately shaped like a brain) desperately searching for God, for answers, for something that could make sense of my new reality.

What I really wanted to know, was...

“Who am I?”

I started singing a song that I had learned in youth group years earlier. It wasn’t my favorite song. And I am certainly not a good singer, but it was the only one I could think of and it brought me comfort. So, I kept singing the only line of that song that I could remember. It was the cry of my heart.

“Oh, Lord, You’re beautiful. Your face is all I seek.” (Here’s the full song if you are interested.)

I only remembered that one line, so I sang it over and over again.

I longed for some kind of settling in my soul.

Then, I began to feel it. I knew that Christ was real and that I was really His child. And, I knew that He would lead me and guide me.

I  knew that He was near and had not forgotten about me. I was not lost. I was just following a new road, so I had no way of knowing where it would lead. I would have to trust.

So, I stripped down (spiritually speaking, of course) and I walked back to my dorm. I left all those extra things that I had believed in a pile on the ground. I abandoned them. I left those and decided to build a new faith. The foundation of my faith shrunk considerably.

Here is the bottom line of what I realized:

I am a follower of Christ, a Christian, a child of God. I am not a follower of my church. I can disagree with them on any number of things and still decide to live together with them and grow spiritually with them.

I went back to the same churches that I felt had misled me.

I engaged with them more fully because I knew that they were doing their best to describe what they believed. And, I was responsible to do the same. I later became a pastor at one of those churches for 18 years.

The Second Lie

After 18 years of being a part of one church community, as their pastor, it has been strange, to say the least, to be apart from them.

For years, I was reminded what it meant to be a Christian. I was told about forgiveness and grace. I was told about walking with people through difficult times. I was told by numerous people how much they loved me and my family.

When my family was the one that needed support, I felt abandoned.

I felt lied to, again.

Half truths were told, gossip spread, and I was shunned. I was given no opportunity to speak to the church. No explanation was offered as to why, but my voice was silenced.

Again I asked myself, "Who am I? Am I defined by my weakness and sin or am I something more? Who am I?"

I struggled to find my bearings.

I went back to where it all started. Not the brain in Binghamton but to God. I went back to that place where I knew I belonged. I went to Christ.

Rachel and I went there together, day after day. Some days, it was all we could do. We sat at the feet of Jesus and asked him what was real. What lies had we believed this time?

Stripped again, spiritually speaking, I set aside the empty words of friendship and love. I set aside the meaningless promises and commitments. I set aside my own anger and frustration at not being heard. I left those false beliefs in a pile on the ground and began to walk home unburdened.

The first lie, I could chalk up to ignorance. The second lie, I realized was much darker. At times, people can choose ignorance. They can choose to reject truth. They can choose to believe what they want.

I chose forgiveness.

My identity has not changed.

The foundation of my faith hasn't even changed.

My identity is in Christ. I am His and He is mine.

(This time we didn't go back to the same church that lied to us. We started a new church, one that is defined by relationships rather than structures or programs or finances. It only exists as an extension of the relationships between those who attend. There is no building, no committees, no programs. We are the church.)