4 Chances to Win the Struggle with Sin

Proverbs 7 (This is the New Living Translation adapted by Dave Zirilli to make it read more like a story.)

⁷ I saw some naive young men,
    and one in particular who lacked common sense.
⁸ He was crossing the street near the house of a sinful woman,
    strolling down the path by her house.
⁹ It was at twilight, in the evening,
    as deep darkness fell.
¹⁰ The sinful woman approached him,
    seductively dressed, she had evil plans in her heart.
¹¹ (She was the brash, rebellious type,
    never content to stay at home and do what is right.
¹² She is there often, in the streets and markets,
    selling evil at every corner.)
¹³ She came up to the man, threw her arms around him and kissed him,
    and with a brazen look she said,
¹⁴ “I’ve just gone to church, given my offerings
    and fulfilled my vows to God.
¹⁵ You’re the one I was looking for!
    I came out to find you, and here you are!
¹⁶ Come see my bed! It is spread with beautiful blankets,
    with colored sheets of Egyptian linen.
¹⁷ I’ve perfumed my bed
    with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.
¹⁸ Come, let’s drink our fill of love until morning.
    Let’s enjoy each other’s caresses,
¹⁹ for my husband is not home.
    He’s away on a loooooooong trip.
²⁰ He has taken a wallet full of money with him
    and won’t return until later this month.”

²¹ So she seduced him with her pretty speech
    and tricked him with her flattery.
²² He followed her at once,
    like an ox going to the slaughter.
He was like an animal caught in a trap,
²³     awaiting the hunter that would come to kill him.
He was like unaware of the danger, like a bird flying into a snare,
    little knowing it would cost him his life.

²⁴ So listen to me, my sons,
    and pay attention to my words.
²⁵ Don’t let your hearts stray away toward her.
    Don’t wander down her wayward path.
²⁶ For she has been the ruin of many;
    many men have been her victims.
²⁷ Her house is the road to the grave.
    Her bedroom is the den of death.

Think about the progression.

1 -  First, this naive young man with no common sense is wandering around at night.

Remember HALT! Halt means STOP! It is also an acronym for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. I will add Bored. When we feel these ways, we are most vulnerable to giving in to temptation.

Our FIRST chance to Win the Struggle with Sin: When we feel HALT, we should HALT! STOP! Go home and get refreshed. If we are hungry, eat; angry, process our anger; lonely, call or meet with someone who is an encouraging friend, family member or mentor; tired, rest; or bored, find something constructive and positive to do like helping someone in need.

2 - Then, he sees her and the way she is dressed and he lusts. Lust means to want something that you don’t have, and usually something that is bad for you. You don’t lust after a meal, you hunger for it. You may lust after dessert or after a person that you are not married to or after a fancy car or new video game. You can lust after someone’s power or fame. Usually, lust is selfish. It is wanting what I want and not caring about other people.

We do that, don’t we. We think about what we want, what we wish we had. We play it over and over in our minds and hearts. And our desire grows and grows. Then, we begin to think we need it, deserve it, can’t live without it.

Our SECOND chance to Win the Struggle with Sin: What happens in our minds and hearts is so important. That is why reading the Bible and praying is so helpful. When we read the Bible and talk to God in prayer, our desires get reoriented. God says that He will give us the desires of our hearts.

Proverbs 37:4 - Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Not only will God give us what we desire when you delight in the Lord, but He will also give us new desires, desires that are in line with what the Lord wants for us.

3 - Then, she speaks and invites him to take hold of what he was lusting after. This is key. The temptation comes from the outside, we can’t always control what temptations we face.

(Though many times we can! Avoid Las Vegas, avoid the internet, avoid commercials, avoid bars or nightclubs, avoid certain “friends”, etc. When we know where temptation will be, we can often avoid it.)

But, when we do have to face a temptation that is totally out of context from our thoughts, it is easier to stand strong in the face of that temptation. It stands out as an obvious temptation. It looks and feels like temptation.

If you never worry about money or think about getting rich, seeing someone's wallet on the ground or being given a chance to rob a bank are not really all that tempting. Stealing is wrong and we know it is wrong. So, we can more easily resist.

But, if we have been thinking about it, longing for it, wishing for it, then it presents itself…. "WOW! It really is possible." "I didn’t think I would ever get this chance. What luck!"

We might even think, “God must want me to have this! He gave me this opportunity!"

I have heard this from several Christian married people who were having affairs. They seem so convinced in their mind that God has brought this other person into their lives to rescue them from an unhappy marriage. From the outside it seems obvious that they are deceived or deceiving themselves, but to them nothing could change their minds. They cannot fathom turning away from God, so they bring God into their sin.

Notice in the Proverb, verse 14, the temptress even includes God in her seduction. She has presented her offerings at the temple and fulfilled her vows to God. 

We may think, "So she is right with God. She believes in God, too. She is faithful like me. God must have brought her into my life to help me."

Our THIRD chance to Win the Struggle with Sin: Reject this lie that we all have to face in one way or another: Sin will NOT satisfy our desires or bring us fulfillment.

God will never ask us to sin in order to follow Him.

4 – Then, he sins. We all sin. It happens. We feel guilty. We feel ashamed. We feel sneaky. We hope we can get away with it. And, maybe we begin to feel like we are defined by our sin. Like we are our sin. That we will always be sinful. We can’t control it. It controls us.

That is the battle.

That is the battle that Paul describes in Romans 7:13-25.

It is sin living in me, my sinful nature.

battling against my will, my desire to obey the Spirit of God.

We are fundamentally flawed. Foundationally, we are sinful. We cannot escape our sinfulness. Everything we touch is tainted with it.

It is like when we are soaking wet. Everything we touch gets wet; wherever we sit, we leave a mark; everyone we hug, gets wet.

Our FOURTH chance to Win the Struggle with Sin: Don't get stuck in the cycle of sin. (Sin - Guilt - Shame - Identify with Sin - REPEAT) Break the cycle with confession, repentance, and discipline.

We are not defined by our sins. We are defined by our relationship to Christ. The Holy Spirit is the sign given to remind us that we are God's children. He is the promise that one day we will be fully His.

We also have the Holy Spirit in us. Everything we touch, as Christians, is also touched by the Holy Spirit in us. Just like sin, the Holy Spirit infiltrates every conversation, every relationship, every thought and feeling. We cannot escape the influence of the Holy Spirit in and through our lives. We can try to ignore it. We can pretend it doesn't exist. But, there He is. Always with us. (Psalm 139:7-12)

The Battle of the Christian is Different:

The battle we face is much different than the battle of someone who doesn’t know Christ.

Romans 5:10 describes us as being enemies of God before we received salvation. The struggle we were in then, pitted our own will against God Himself. God desired what was best for us and yet we resisted Him at every turn.

But, as Christians, with the Holy Spirit living in us, the struggle has not stopped. We still struggle. Everyday, we make choices and form habits which guide and shape our lives. But, now our will is to do the will of God. Our deepest desire is to please God, to serve and obey Him.

But, there is a new enemy. Our enemy is sin. Sin through the law tries to bind us, to kill us, and to make us powerless.

That is the message of Romans 5-7.

We are dead to sin, so why would live in it any longer. Don't sin. Don't give any victory to sin. We have already been declared victorious over sin. Death is sin's greatest weapon and death has lost its sting. Christ has victory over death. So in Christ, we have victory over death and sin.

The tools that Proverbs offers to us in our battle with sin are the Bible (Proverbs 7:1-3), discipline (Proverbs 5:23) and wisdom (Proverbs 8).

We have the promise of ultimate victory in death. And, we have the tools to have daily victory through faithfully reading the Bible, developing healthy habits, and seeking after wisdom.

Use these 4 Chances to Win the Struggle with Sin.

1 - Know yourself and when you are vulnerable. HALT! before you are even tempted.

2 - Read the Bible and pray in order to allow God to change the desires of your heart.

3 - When faced with a temptation, reject the lie that sin will satisfy our desires and bring us fulfillment.

4 - After we sin, don't get caught in the cycle of sin. Repent and receive forgiveness.

Anger is Power and How to Use It Wisely

The latest evolution of the Incredible Hulk is well... incredible. Lou Ferrigno was huge... for a guy. But, this latest CG version is truly amazing.

I'm sure you, like me, have learned some great life lessons from watching the Incredible Hulk over the years.

Here are the top three lessons I have learned:
"Always buy cheap clothes", because they could get ripped to shreds at any moment.
"Never squash the woman you love."
And my favorite, "Anger is Power."

No one ignores the Incredible Hulk. Either stay out of his way or you will get squashed.

My favorite line from the Avengers movie is by the Hulk.Check out this video if you can:



In case you couldn't watch it: When Captain America says, "Dr. Banner, now might be a really good time for you to get angry," he replies, "That's my secret, Captain. I'm always angry."

I know some people like that.Don't you?

I am "some people" like that sometimes. Are you?

If you feel like you are always angry like our green friend, you probably have some regrets and wish you had handled some situations with more patience and grace.

Anger affects us all.

In  my family, anger gets expressed in a myriad of ways. Dirty looks, gritted teeth, harsh words, yelling, elbows thrown, shirts grabbed, pushing, shoving, and even the silent treatment. It's all here.

We struggle with anger every day.

But, there is hope, for us and for you. We have started making some foundational changes. We can't completely stop ourselves from getting angry, but I have learned that we can make anger work for us instead of against us.

[BONUS TRUTH: In some cultures, anger is the one emotion that men are permitted to express and the one emotion that women are not. A real man doesn't show other emotions and a good woman doesn't express her anger. Both are lies. The fact is we all get angry and anger is not wrong. It is how we express our anger that can be wrong, can be destructive and can leave us with regrets.]

Anger is Power

With anger comes adrenaline, pure raw energy. We are the shaken soda bottle, filled with power just waiting for the cap to twist off.

Anger is contained power.

When we are angry we are infused with adrenaline, with energy. That energy has to be used up. Either we keep it bottled up inside and damage our internal organs (think ulcers and heart attacks), or we let it out in some way.

Since, when we are POWERFUL (AKA- angry), we don't typically make good decisions, we need to make a plan ahead of time.

Before we get angry (like maybe right now because who knows what will set us off next), we need to figure out some basics.

Figure out which of the four primary emotions usually gets us angry: hurt, fear, disrespect, and/or frustration. I wrote about these yesterday, if you aren't sure which combination it might be.

Figure out when you are most likely to get angry: after work or before bed, Monday nights or Sunday mornings, after a business meeting or before your family comes over to visit, at home or at work. What triggers it? And be ready!

We also need to figure out what the signals are when we are beginning to feel angry. Do we want to run away? Do we talk louder? Do we become more sensitive to little annoyances? Do we become critical of others, insulting the people around us? Do we want to punch someone? Do our muscles bulge and our skin turns green? There are lots of subtle hints.

For me, I feel my heart beat faster. I usually feel frustrated and/or disrespected. It shows on my face. My stomach can get in knots. I start to sweat.

Every person's anger is unique. Figure out what your signals are and start to pay attention. And when you blow it, don't give up, confess your sin, receive his forgiveness and grace and go back to the drawing board.

Then, think through these steps for when you do find yourself getting angry:

First, BE AWARE of the signs.

Know when you are getting angry. The sooner you can catch it, the more likely you are to handle it in a way that you can respect later.

Second, OWN it.

Accept responsibility for your own anger, the feeling and your actions as a result of your feeling.You are the only one responsible for your anger.

Resist the temptation to blame someone or something else. Until you take responsibility, you will feel powerless to change.

Third, CHOOSE what to do with all this energy.

We get a choice! Since we choose, we can change.

Don't try to use this energy to fix the situation you are in unless you are being attacked by a bear or being pulled under by a giant squid. In those cases, your adrenaline should come in handy.

But, if you are angry because your kid won't go to bed or your boss overlooked you for a promotion AGAIN, then don't use that adrenaline to solve your problem. Your kid will probably wind up in therapy or you'll wind up without a job.

What would be a constructive use of this abundance of energy right now?

Here are some practical tips of what to do with all that power surging through your body...
                     Exercise. Go for a walk, a jog or a run. (Never get in a car and drive! Angry driving is a recipe for disaster.) Do push-ups, crunches, jumping jacks. Maybe work out with the person you are angry at if its your spouse or child, especially if they are angry too!
                     Sing. Play some fun, loud music and sing along. This probably isn't what you feel like doing, which is why you need to plan it ahead of time.
                     Dance. Maybe while you are singing!
                     Laugh. Find something to laugh about. Maybe make a book of funny memories to help you when you need a release. Bookmark a funny video, nothing violent. Find a reason to laugh. Release that energy! Steven Wright said:

"My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it... So I'm going to move to New York." and

"I like to reminisce with people I don't know." and 

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction." and 

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" and 


"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." and something like this, though I can't find the exact quote,

"I know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour, officer, but I wasn't planning on being out that long." 

Steven Wright makes me laugh. What makes you laugh? How about Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pockets routine:




Making a choice before we act is the key to using anger to our advantage.What do you want to do with all that energy? You can use this energy to get physically healthy, emotionally refreshed, connect with a loved one. It's your choice, if you can catch it in time before you say or do something you will regret.

Fourth, BE LOVING!

Follow through and do what we chose to do, and do it lovingly.

We can choose to be kind and compassionate, gracious and patient, even when we are angry. We can find a way to express the love we feel for ourselves or those involved without being mean or spiteful. BE NICE!

Afterwards, we won't regret our choices. We will respect ourselves when it is all over if we can just get through the energy rush, the adrenaline should last 15-20 minutes.

Finally, REWIND.

Afterwards, after the adrenaline is spent, after the veins in our temples have returned to their rightful place, evaluate the whole situation beginning to end, figure out what happened, what triggered it, what signals you could have noticed, what did you choose to do, what if anything do you want to do differently, and receive God's grace. In other words, start over from the top.

We can do this! We can use our anger constructively. Our anger is just a signal that something is wrong. Slow things down enough to make some good choices, and there is hope that we can use that anger, that power, constructively. And, then we can begin to face the underlying problems.

Why Am I So Angry? A Look at the Primary Causes of Our Anger

I used to think I was a very spiritual guy. I wanted everything I did to be spiritual and good. I occasionally even spent days fasting, without eating anything, in order to pray and focus more on God. Once when I was fasting, I had planned to have a meeting with one of my mentors. Rachel had a meeting that night, so one of us had to be home with the kids. He was able to come over to my house to meet so I could be home. Gene was supposed to arrive at bedtime, so I rushed around to get the kids in bed on time. I had to do a little extra yelling and rushing, motivating, but I got them into bed. I was proud of myself for getting the job done and a little flustered from all the yelling. Then, Ethan came walking down the stairs. Knowing Gene could arrive any minute, I lost it, totally lost my temper. I screamed and yelled and scooped him up and brought him to his room and told him not to get up again. He was almost 4. He should know better. Then, he was screaming and crying. In the living room waiting for Gene to arrive, I wondered, "What am I doing? Why am I so angry? What is going on? I'm a spiritual guy. I'm fasting."

Healthy anger is a gift. It was designed to save our lives, to help us figure out who the alpha dog is, and to protect those we love from danger.

But, mostly, our anger doesn't look like a gift. It looks pretty ugly and it can be quite destructive. Before I can deal with the emotion of anger, which I will in the next blog, we need to understand the underlying emotions.

Anger is not a primary emotion. It is secondary. And, it is very easy to misunderstand it.

If we want to know why we are angry, we have to get back to that primary emotion. What triggered the anger?

Usually the primary feelings are: hurt, fear, disrespect, and/or frustration. These lead to the feeling of anger. Let me unpack that a little.

HURT

Have you ever stubbed your toe and wound up cursing in anger? You got hurt because it was dark and you lost track of where you were in relation to the coffee table. Feeling hurt makes sense.
But, why are you angry?
Who or what are you angry at?

Usually, we will cleverly find someone or something to be angry at. We will be angry at our wife for buying that stupid thing in the first place or angry at our daughter for asking for a cup of water in the middle of the night or angry at ourselves for not turning on the light. But, in reality, we are just hurt.

How about if you get betrayed by a friend or ignored by a love interest? Feeling hurt makes sense, but why the anger? Any number of situations cause us pain. If we try to ignore it or stuff it, it will just give us an ulcer or heart attack. If we try to react without really facing it, we can wind up being self destructive or trying to control those around us. Some drink or drug to medicate. Some cut or have an eating disorder. Others become controlling and manipulative.

Instead we need to face it. What caused us pain, physical or emotional? What can we do about it now?

FEAR

Your child is out late. He told you when he would be home and you are worried that he might have gotten into an accident because the roads are getting icy. You feel fear. "What if's" race through your head.

Finally, your son gets home and after that feeling of relief that he is ok comes...anger.

Your worst fear was that he was hurt or dead. If he was hurt or dead, you would turn your anger toward God or someone else. But, since he is just late, you turn your anger on him. In some form of parental logic, you yell, "You're grounded! Forever!"


Face your fear. What were you afraid would happen? Now think through it. If that did happen, what would you do? How would you go on? If your answer to that is, "I couldn't go on," then you have an idol in your life. You are actually declaring to God that you won't go on unless he stops this thing from happening. You are putting your own needs and wants, fears above God Himself. Face that. Confess that. Repent from that.

God is patient. Take your time and examine your heart, follow your faith and face your fear.

Bonus: If you struggle with fear, here is one band's hilarious solution.

DISRESPECT

When our coworker belittles us in front of the boss or a client, we feel disrespected. We want to set the record straight and demonstrate our capability.

This feeling of being disrespected quickly turns to anger. We want revenge. If we feel helpless at work, we take that anger out on someone else: the guy driving too slow in front of us, the idiot talk show host on the radio, or our unruly family. We try to control other people with our anger so we won't feel so helpless.

Facing disrespect can be tricky. Do you have respect for yourself? Do you believe the lies that are being told, the gossip or that the way you were treated is deserved?

Until you respect yourself, it will be hard for you to require that others give you the respect you deserve. But, it is easy to fall on the side, the side of arrogance and to start believing the lie that you are better than someone else.

As we are learning to respect ourselves, we need to balance a healthy respect for others. Respect others as much as we respect ourselves.

Then, standing on this firm foundation, we can begin to face disrespect when it occurs whether it is directed at us or someone else. This often involves confrontation, speaking the truth in love, standing tall and extending grace. It takes tact and grace to confront someone with truth without judgment or condemnation, but it is possible.

FRUSTRATION

You have just finished cleaning the whole house, you sit down for a cup of tea and the kids get home from school. "I just cleaned the house, please don't..." But, before you are finished with the sentence, everything seems to unravel. The shoes track in mud, the coats and backpacks are dropped haphazardly on the floor, the juice is spilled and the volume is turned way up. You feel frustrated, like all of your work was unappreciated.

Then, the anger starts to build. Do you retreat and hide in your room or try to keep them from destroying the whole house by yelling and demanding?

Frustration is most often the source of my own anger. I find it so difficult to slow things down enough to realize what is going on, but I think it is actually the easiest of these four primary emotions to face.

Face the source of our frustration. "My child is getting out of bed again! I am so angry." What are we believing at this moment?
           - We can't handle this because we are so tired from a long day.
           - If we were good parents, our children wouldn't do bad things.
           - If our child can't even stay in bed, how can she hope to succeed in life.

I hope you can see the lies in each of these statements. First, if we are trusting God for our strength and this is what is happening, we can handle it in God's strength. Second, our children's bad behavior has more to do with our children than with us. We are responsible for our bad behavior, but not theirs, though I can influence it greatly. Third, slow down! We are talking about a little thing that we will forget in a week. This is not the end of the world.

So, take a breath, we must face our false beliefs, the source of our frustration, and decide what we want to do about it. What can we do that we will be proud of when the day is done?

A Few Last Thoughts...

Determine if our primary emotions are real or embellished? When we feel betrayed by a friend who stood us up, were we really betrayed? Did the person not call us because they wanted to hurt us OR did they do it for some other reason? Unless they intentionally tried to hurt us, they didn't betray us. Our feelings of hurt and fear of losing a friend and feeling disrespected are all more or less created in our own minds.

We must be careful of what we allow to play around in our heads. Our thoughts can create images and feelings that aren't based in reality. We can take a little knowledge and think that we understand the whole picture.

The only solution to this kind of anger is humility. We must acknowledge our lack of information and face the truth. We need to confront the person we are angry with. Tell them the truth about how we feel and ask them to fill in the missing information. We may have a good reason to be angry. We may not.

Facing the person that we feel has sinned against us is the only path to healing. If there is sin, then our path to health and wholeness is forgiveness. If there is no sin on their part, then we can only confess our mistrust and the lies we believed and receive grace and forgiveness from God and hopefully from the person we have mistrusted.

Usually, it is one of these four emotions that is driving our anger. If we can get to the bottom of it, figure out which of these are behind our anger, we can face it and decide what to do next.

Tomorrow I will post about "Anger is Power" and explain how we can use anger for our benefit.