4 Times When We are Most Likely to Lose Our Cool and What to Do About It

When was the last time you got angry?

For me, it was last week.

I got home from an allergist appointment. They poked me ten times with different sticks (that was fun), and I sat there not itching as I watched the bubble on my skin grow. If you've had one of these tests, you know what I mean.

For 30 minutes, I tried to distract myself from thinking about itching, but every time I looked down at my arm, these bubbles are growing bigger and bigger. And, all I want to do is scratch, just a little bit. Just once or twice and I'd feel better. Then, finally, I made it.

I left the allergist and came home. I beat the boys home by a few minutes and then we were all together for the rest of the night.

No games. No practices. No meetings.

Right after dinner, about 6, I got this crazy headache. I don't usually get them like that, but I felt this pressure pounding on the back of my eyes.

Ethan left the dinner table and was complaining about having to finish his homework.

"Ethan, you have to bring your plate to the sink before you leave the table. You know that."

"But, I have to do my homework." He was not happy.

"Plate first, then your homework. NOW!"

I had been doing well about controlling my temper and hadn't raised my voice like this in weeks, so I got his attention, but he was visibly upset.

He brought the plate to the sink where I was loading the dishwasher, my head still pounding.

"You have to scrape it off first." I held out the plate to him. I could feel the anger rising in me. My heartbeat rising, my eyes pounding.

"I have to do my homework!" He went to his backpack, got out his homework and proceeded to walk right past the outstretched plate.

He was not going to ignore me, disrespect me. I wanted to get those dishes done, go sit down, and close my eyes. The Advil I took didn't touch the pain. Ahhh! I couldn't think straight.

I grabbed him by the back of his sweatshirt, and shoved the plate at him.

"Scrape it off now! Then do your homework."

"OKAY! Jeez!" He did it and I went back to the sink feeling like a complete idiot. All this work on controlling my anger, being patient, talking and not yelling, I thought I might be wasting my time. I will always struggle with anger. Who am I kidding?

My analysis was still clouded by my guilt and shame and the adrenaline still rushing through my body. As I look back now, I can see things more clearly. Maybe you picked up on some of the clues too.

First, I had used up a lot of my self-control at the allergist. It took so much out of me to just sit there and not itch. Self control is like a muscle and when we use it up, it is all used up.

After exerting self control in one area, we can't put ourselves in another situation where we will need a lot of self control and expect to behave well. I should have known.

Second, I was in pain. When we are in pain, physical or emotional, we enter into somewhat of a survival mode. We are more likely to jump straight to "fight or flight" mode without much provocation.

Third, I was working hard to finish a task so that I could go and hopefully get some relief from the pain. I felt an urgency that didn't really exist. I could have simply told Rachel, my wife, about my pain and left the dishes. Ethan was the barrier, I thought. He was frustrating me, blocking me from reaching my goal. Frustration can easily lead to anger and in this case, it led to anger very quickly.

Fourth, I was thinking and trying to analyze the situation in my head. I was talking to myself, defending myself and blaming Ethan. I reasoned that I was the one working hard on the dishes, and he was the one complaining about his homework and having to bring his dish to the sink. I was right, and he was wrong. I was good, and he was bad. I had to act! I chose to act based on adrenaline fueled incomplete thinking.

Fifth, I acted, and immediately felt guilt and shame. I knew that I was right! But, it didn't matter. I felt horrible. I was wrong.

In the course of a couple of minutes, I went from feeling pain, to feeling frustration, to feeling anger, to feeling justified, to feeling shame.

4 Times When We are Most Likely to Lose Our Cool and What to Do About It

What we do when we feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT) can make or break our day.

It can determine whether we feel good about ourselves or feel guilt and shame.

If we behave badly in these circumstances, we can either choose to blame others and further isolate ourselves or looking in the mirror, we can blame ourselves and begin to lose love and respect for ourselves.

When that happens we can do all kinds of self-destructive things. You know which are tempting for you. But, instead of trying to deal with the symptoms, we need to face the disease.

What do we do when we feel hungry, angry, lonely and tired?

The Path

Ask for Help. Ask God for help and then ask people for help. If you believe that God wants you to change, then ask for His help, pray that His will is done in your life. He always answers that prayer. Then it is just up to us to listen and obey.

God will often use people to help us. I asked Rachel for help. Rachel has been a patient, gracious support throughout our life together. I also found a counselor who believed in me, listened to me, and counseled me with wisdom and grace. I have had a number of accountability partners that God used at different times to help me face different sins, to overcome challenges in life and ministry and to encourage me toward some specific goals. God has used each person in different ways to help me move forward. The key in all of these relationships is grace.

Know Yourself. Know your weakness. Pretending to be strong doesn't help any more than pretending to be weak does. Accept your weakness. When are you most likely to feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Don't be afraid to say, "I can't do that." This was incredibly hard for me to admit in the past. If I can physically stand, than I can do what you are asking me to do. It was hard for me to admit that I was too weak to do something if the weakness was emotional or spiritual. Face it. Admit it to yourself and then...

Set Helpful Boundaries. Know yourself and set up boundaries that will help you live from strength to strength. Good boundaries are crucial to a healthy life. Knowing my weaknesses allows me to know what boundaries I need. For me, there is no need to lock up the wine cellar when I am around, but you might want to hide the remote! I can't stand the taste of alcohol, but I could waste hours watching TV without caring what I was watching.

Here are some boundaries that I set up in my life, that have helped me at different times:
 - Make time to be with my wife, every day to catch up and make sure we are on the same page, every week to face any issues that have arisen or might be coming soon, every month to make sure we are on track with our goals for the year and for life, and every year to do an inventory of our marriage, our family, and ministry together.
- When I am angry, I give myself a time out.
- When I feel lonely, I run to my wife not away from her.
- I take time to understand how I feel, not just what I think.
- Go to bed by 10 or 10:30, so that I can wake up before the kids and have some time to pray and read and listen to God. I need to get back to this one!
- Use an accountability program that sends every website I view to my wife or some other accountability partner. I use Covenant Eyes, (which is also a great tool for parents to talk about and use with their children).
- Limit the number of nights I spend away from home.
- Cook, eat and clean up after meals together as a family as much as possible.
- Vacation together as a family and as a couple.
[I discuss this more personally in Confessions of a Pastor, Part 2.]
 
Solve the Real Problem.

Hungry? Eat something. When you realize that you are hungry and that that hunger is causing you to act in unhealthy ways, eat something. Choose something healthy, but eat something.

Angry? Deal with the underlying cause. [Here's a link to my blog about what usually leads to our Anger, so we can get to the source of it.]

Lonely? Phone a friend. Spend time with a safe person who consistently extends grace to you. If you feel like you have no one, go to God. First let him be your friend, then let him speak to you about being a good friend to others, and then ask him to point you in a direction for making friends.

Tired? Go to sleep. We have had productivity engrained in us since we were kids. The early bird gets the worm, and all that. Work hard, play hard. YOLO. Just Do It. It is never ending. We will never accomplish all that we want to do if we don't get rest. God wants us to work hard and to enjoy life, but he also knew that we need a Sabbath day of rest. Good night!

Anger is Power and How to Use It Wisely

The latest evolution of the Incredible Hulk is well... incredible. Lou Ferrigno was huge... for a guy. But, this latest CG version is truly amazing.

I'm sure you, like me, have learned some great life lessons from watching the Incredible Hulk over the years.

Here are the top three lessons I have learned:
"Always buy cheap clothes", because they could get ripped to shreds at any moment.
"Never squash the woman you love."
And my favorite, "Anger is Power."

No one ignores the Incredible Hulk. Either stay out of his way or you will get squashed.

My favorite line from the Avengers movie is by the Hulk.Check out this video if you can:



In case you couldn't watch it: When Captain America says, "Dr. Banner, now might be a really good time for you to get angry," he replies, "That's my secret, Captain. I'm always angry."

I know some people like that.Don't you?

I am "some people" like that sometimes. Are you?

If you feel like you are always angry like our green friend, you probably have some regrets and wish you had handled some situations with more patience and grace.

Anger affects us all.

In  my family, anger gets expressed in a myriad of ways. Dirty looks, gritted teeth, harsh words, yelling, elbows thrown, shirts grabbed, pushing, shoving, and even the silent treatment. It's all here.

We struggle with anger every day.

But, there is hope, for us and for you. We have started making some foundational changes. We can't completely stop ourselves from getting angry, but I have learned that we can make anger work for us instead of against us.

[BONUS TRUTH: In some cultures, anger is the one emotion that men are permitted to express and the one emotion that women are not. A real man doesn't show other emotions and a good woman doesn't express her anger. Both are lies. The fact is we all get angry and anger is not wrong. It is how we express our anger that can be wrong, can be destructive and can leave us with regrets.]

Anger is Power

With anger comes adrenaline, pure raw energy. We are the shaken soda bottle, filled with power just waiting for the cap to twist off.

Anger is contained power.

When we are angry we are infused with adrenaline, with energy. That energy has to be used up. Either we keep it bottled up inside and damage our internal organs (think ulcers and heart attacks), or we let it out in some way.

Since, when we are POWERFUL (AKA- angry), we don't typically make good decisions, we need to make a plan ahead of time.

Before we get angry (like maybe right now because who knows what will set us off next), we need to figure out some basics.

Figure out which of the four primary emotions usually gets us angry: hurt, fear, disrespect, and/or frustration. I wrote about these yesterday, if you aren't sure which combination it might be.

Figure out when you are most likely to get angry: after work or before bed, Monday nights or Sunday mornings, after a business meeting or before your family comes over to visit, at home or at work. What triggers it? And be ready!

We also need to figure out what the signals are when we are beginning to feel angry. Do we want to run away? Do we talk louder? Do we become more sensitive to little annoyances? Do we become critical of others, insulting the people around us? Do we want to punch someone? Do our muscles bulge and our skin turns green? There are lots of subtle hints.

For me, I feel my heart beat faster. I usually feel frustrated and/or disrespected. It shows on my face. My stomach can get in knots. I start to sweat.

Every person's anger is unique. Figure out what your signals are and start to pay attention. And when you blow it, don't give up, confess your sin, receive his forgiveness and grace and go back to the drawing board.

Then, think through these steps for when you do find yourself getting angry:

First, BE AWARE of the signs.

Know when you are getting angry. The sooner you can catch it, the more likely you are to handle it in a way that you can respect later.

Second, OWN it.

Accept responsibility for your own anger, the feeling and your actions as a result of your feeling.You are the only one responsible for your anger.

Resist the temptation to blame someone or something else. Until you take responsibility, you will feel powerless to change.

Third, CHOOSE what to do with all this energy.

We get a choice! Since we choose, we can change.

Don't try to use this energy to fix the situation you are in unless you are being attacked by a bear or being pulled under by a giant squid. In those cases, your adrenaline should come in handy.

But, if you are angry because your kid won't go to bed or your boss overlooked you for a promotion AGAIN, then don't use that adrenaline to solve your problem. Your kid will probably wind up in therapy or you'll wind up without a job.

What would be a constructive use of this abundance of energy right now?

Here are some practical tips of what to do with all that power surging through your body...
                     Exercise. Go for a walk, a jog or a run. (Never get in a car and drive! Angry driving is a recipe for disaster.) Do push-ups, crunches, jumping jacks. Maybe work out with the person you are angry at if its your spouse or child, especially if they are angry too!
                     Sing. Play some fun, loud music and sing along. This probably isn't what you feel like doing, which is why you need to plan it ahead of time.
                     Dance. Maybe while you are singing!
                     Laugh. Find something to laugh about. Maybe make a book of funny memories to help you when you need a release. Bookmark a funny video, nothing violent. Find a reason to laugh. Release that energy! Steven Wright said:

"My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it... So I'm going to move to New York." and

"I like to reminisce with people I don't know." and 

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction." and 

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" and 


"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." and something like this, though I can't find the exact quote,

"I know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour, officer, but I wasn't planning on being out that long." 

Steven Wright makes me laugh. What makes you laugh? How about Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pockets routine:




Making a choice before we act is the key to using anger to our advantage.What do you want to do with all that energy? You can use this energy to get physically healthy, emotionally refreshed, connect with a loved one. It's your choice, if you can catch it in time before you say or do something you will regret.

Fourth, BE LOVING!

Follow through and do what we chose to do, and do it lovingly.

We can choose to be kind and compassionate, gracious and patient, even when we are angry. We can find a way to express the love we feel for ourselves or those involved without being mean or spiteful. BE NICE!

Afterwards, we won't regret our choices. We will respect ourselves when it is all over if we can just get through the energy rush, the adrenaline should last 15-20 minutes.

Finally, REWIND.

Afterwards, after the adrenaline is spent, after the veins in our temples have returned to their rightful place, evaluate the whole situation beginning to end, figure out what happened, what triggered it, what signals you could have noticed, what did you choose to do, what if anything do you want to do differently, and receive God's grace. In other words, start over from the top.

We can do this! We can use our anger constructively. Our anger is just a signal that something is wrong. Slow things down enough to make some good choices, and there is hope that we can use that anger, that power, constructively. And, then we can begin to face the underlying problems.

Why Am I So Angry? A Look at the Primary Causes of Our Anger

I used to think I was a very spiritual guy. I wanted everything I did to be spiritual and good. I occasionally even spent days fasting, without eating anything, in order to pray and focus more on God. Once when I was fasting, I had planned to have a meeting with one of my mentors. Rachel had a meeting that night, so one of us had to be home with the kids. He was able to come over to my house to meet so I could be home. Gene was supposed to arrive at bedtime, so I rushed around to get the kids in bed on time. I had to do a little extra yelling and rushing, motivating, but I got them into bed. I was proud of myself for getting the job done and a little flustered from all the yelling. Then, Ethan came walking down the stairs. Knowing Gene could arrive any minute, I lost it, totally lost my temper. I screamed and yelled and scooped him up and brought him to his room and told him not to get up again. He was almost 4. He should know better. Then, he was screaming and crying. In the living room waiting for Gene to arrive, I wondered, "What am I doing? Why am I so angry? What is going on? I'm a spiritual guy. I'm fasting."

Healthy anger is a gift. It was designed to save our lives, to help us figure out who the alpha dog is, and to protect those we love from danger.

But, mostly, our anger doesn't look like a gift. It looks pretty ugly and it can be quite destructive. Before I can deal with the emotion of anger, which I will in the next blog, we need to understand the underlying emotions.

Anger is not a primary emotion. It is secondary. And, it is very easy to misunderstand it.

If we want to know why we are angry, we have to get back to that primary emotion. What triggered the anger?

Usually the primary feelings are: hurt, fear, disrespect, and/or frustration. These lead to the feeling of anger. Let me unpack that a little.

HURT

Have you ever stubbed your toe and wound up cursing in anger? You got hurt because it was dark and you lost track of where you were in relation to the coffee table. Feeling hurt makes sense.
But, why are you angry?
Who or what are you angry at?

Usually, we will cleverly find someone or something to be angry at. We will be angry at our wife for buying that stupid thing in the first place or angry at our daughter for asking for a cup of water in the middle of the night or angry at ourselves for not turning on the light. But, in reality, we are just hurt.

How about if you get betrayed by a friend or ignored by a love interest? Feeling hurt makes sense, but why the anger? Any number of situations cause us pain. If we try to ignore it or stuff it, it will just give us an ulcer or heart attack. If we try to react without really facing it, we can wind up being self destructive or trying to control those around us. Some drink or drug to medicate. Some cut or have an eating disorder. Others become controlling and manipulative.

Instead we need to face it. What caused us pain, physical or emotional? What can we do about it now?

FEAR

Your child is out late. He told you when he would be home and you are worried that he might have gotten into an accident because the roads are getting icy. You feel fear. "What if's" race through your head.

Finally, your son gets home and after that feeling of relief that he is ok comes...anger.

Your worst fear was that he was hurt or dead. If he was hurt or dead, you would turn your anger toward God or someone else. But, since he is just late, you turn your anger on him. In some form of parental logic, you yell, "You're grounded! Forever!"


Face your fear. What were you afraid would happen? Now think through it. If that did happen, what would you do? How would you go on? If your answer to that is, "I couldn't go on," then you have an idol in your life. You are actually declaring to God that you won't go on unless he stops this thing from happening. You are putting your own needs and wants, fears above God Himself. Face that. Confess that. Repent from that.

God is patient. Take your time and examine your heart, follow your faith and face your fear.

Bonus: If you struggle with fear, here is one band's hilarious solution.

DISRESPECT

When our coworker belittles us in front of the boss or a client, we feel disrespected. We want to set the record straight and demonstrate our capability.

This feeling of being disrespected quickly turns to anger. We want revenge. If we feel helpless at work, we take that anger out on someone else: the guy driving too slow in front of us, the idiot talk show host on the radio, or our unruly family. We try to control other people with our anger so we won't feel so helpless.

Facing disrespect can be tricky. Do you have respect for yourself? Do you believe the lies that are being told, the gossip or that the way you were treated is deserved?

Until you respect yourself, it will be hard for you to require that others give you the respect you deserve. But, it is easy to fall on the side, the side of arrogance and to start believing the lie that you are better than someone else.

As we are learning to respect ourselves, we need to balance a healthy respect for others. Respect others as much as we respect ourselves.

Then, standing on this firm foundation, we can begin to face disrespect when it occurs whether it is directed at us or someone else. This often involves confrontation, speaking the truth in love, standing tall and extending grace. It takes tact and grace to confront someone with truth without judgment or condemnation, but it is possible.

FRUSTRATION

You have just finished cleaning the whole house, you sit down for a cup of tea and the kids get home from school. "I just cleaned the house, please don't..." But, before you are finished with the sentence, everything seems to unravel. The shoes track in mud, the coats and backpacks are dropped haphazardly on the floor, the juice is spilled and the volume is turned way up. You feel frustrated, like all of your work was unappreciated.

Then, the anger starts to build. Do you retreat and hide in your room or try to keep them from destroying the whole house by yelling and demanding?

Frustration is most often the source of my own anger. I find it so difficult to slow things down enough to realize what is going on, but I think it is actually the easiest of these four primary emotions to face.

Face the source of our frustration. "My child is getting out of bed again! I am so angry." What are we believing at this moment?
           - We can't handle this because we are so tired from a long day.
           - If we were good parents, our children wouldn't do bad things.
           - If our child can't even stay in bed, how can she hope to succeed in life.

I hope you can see the lies in each of these statements. First, if we are trusting God for our strength and this is what is happening, we can handle it in God's strength. Second, our children's bad behavior has more to do with our children than with us. We are responsible for our bad behavior, but not theirs, though I can influence it greatly. Third, slow down! We are talking about a little thing that we will forget in a week. This is not the end of the world.

So, take a breath, we must face our false beliefs, the source of our frustration, and decide what we want to do about it. What can we do that we will be proud of when the day is done?

A Few Last Thoughts...

Determine if our primary emotions are real or embellished? When we feel betrayed by a friend who stood us up, were we really betrayed? Did the person not call us because they wanted to hurt us OR did they do it for some other reason? Unless they intentionally tried to hurt us, they didn't betray us. Our feelings of hurt and fear of losing a friend and feeling disrespected are all more or less created in our own minds.

We must be careful of what we allow to play around in our heads. Our thoughts can create images and feelings that aren't based in reality. We can take a little knowledge and think that we understand the whole picture.

The only solution to this kind of anger is humility. We must acknowledge our lack of information and face the truth. We need to confront the person we are angry with. Tell them the truth about how we feel and ask them to fill in the missing information. We may have a good reason to be angry. We may not.

Facing the person that we feel has sinned against us is the only path to healing. If there is sin, then our path to health and wholeness is forgiveness. If there is no sin on their part, then we can only confess our mistrust and the lies we believed and receive grace and forgiveness from God and hopefully from the person we have mistrusted.

Usually, it is one of these four emotions that is driving our anger. If we can get to the bottom of it, figure out which of these are behind our anger, we can face it and decide what to do next.

Tomorrow I will post about "Anger is Power" and explain how we can use anger for our benefit.

Part 1: My Kids Push My Buttons

I was angry and impatient with my children, especially my first son. “He knows how to push my buttons,” I would say in my calmer moments.

Each time I would struggle to control my temper and hold my tongue. Sometimes I succeeded and too often I did not. Each time I failed, I would confess my sin to God, ask His forgiveness and then do the same with my son. Every time, God forgave me. Every time, Ethan forgave me. But, it wasn’t getting any better. I wanted it to stop.

While counseling with a pastor friend who had opened a counseling center nearby, I realized that my anger was triggered by frustration. That frustration stemmed from my son not obeying me and my desire to control my life and also my image, the person I wanted to believe I was. I wanted to be a good father and in order for me to be a good father, I reasoned, my children must obey me. So, my son disobeying me was sending off all kinds of red flags for me emotionally. I was not a good father!

I had to prove to myself that I was a good father, so I had to make him obey.

So, in order to prove that I was a good father, I became what I loathed, an angry, yelling, out of control father. It reminds me of Paul’s thoughts about the fight against our sinful nature:

      I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

     So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Rom 7:15-25, NIV)

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

How often I struggled to understand this passage. Yet, even as I struggled to understand it, it brought me hope and encouraged me. Even Paul, the great apostle, struggled with sin. But, during this time I became aware of the hold that my sinful nature has on me. Even in trying to do good, to be good, “evil is right there with me” distorting and deceiving. I believed that in order to be good, I must act good. And, so my actions, though appearing to be good, were based on my desire to appear to be good rather than on my love for God. And, so when the actions reached their logical end, I was forced to act bad in order to continue to appear to be good.

And, so I concluded, with the help of Rachel and my counselor, “What a wretched man I am!” Who will rescue me from always having to try to be good. “Jesus Christ our Lord!” It is only by His grace that I could be healed. It was only by surrendering my desire to be “good” and simply letting Him declare me good that I could be free from that prison of anger and frustration when I couldn’t control those around me.

Then, I could truly repent of the core issue. Then, I began to see my patience grow and my anger subside. Ethan’s disobedience didn’t determine whether or not I was good. It was Christ who determined that. Then, living in Christ, drawing strength and hope and having faith in Him, allowed me to begin to love Ethan with the same patience and grace that Christ had for me.

Is it too late for you to have a good relationship with your children?

Believe this…

It is never too late.

Never.

While you and your child have breath in your lungs, it is never too late. If there is a schism between you and your child that seems to huge to cross, it is time for you to make restoring this relationship your primary goal

The way is clear. It isn’t easy. And, it may not seem direct.

But, you can build a new relationship with your child that is healthy and filled with love and respect. You cannot guarantee that they will respond the way you want, but you can move toward loving and respecting them more each day. Depending on the past, it may take days or decades, but it is possible. Don't give up and don't lose sight of the prize--a healthy relationship with your child.

You cannot charge after your child, stumbling headlong into their lives, and hope for the best. You have to REMEMBER.

Remembering is the act of putting your members back in the right order. Getting it all together. In order to Remember, you need to think through the process of beginning again, see what is most important, where things have gotten off track, and commit to doing whatever it takes to get them back on track. The process of Remembering looks something like this: Repent, Rethink, Redo, Remain, Respond, and Restart. Today we will start with the first step on the list.

Repent:

You need to get honest. What have you done? What have you thought? What have you said? You cannot skip this step. You cannot even rush this step. This step may take an hour or a year. Give it all the time it needs. You may need counseling to help you think through it all. You need to get this right. You need to face what you have done and figure out why.

For every harsh punishment or unloving word you have spoken to your child, you need to ask for forgiveness, first from God and then from your child.

But, then take it further. That is the what but now explore the why. Ask yourself, in the presence of God and possibly with the help of your spouse, a close friend, or even a professional counselor, why you have done what you have done, said what you have said.

Explain that as much as is appropriate to your child. Teach them the process of repentance and help them to see how you are growing in your relationship with God and in the process you will grow in your relationship with them.

Repent. Repent of your actions, the what and understand your why so you begin to change your perspective and rewrite your future. Repentance is the start to a new foundation that you can build your relationship with your child on.

PS - If you haven't ever repented before, you really need to try it. It is so freeing. You will feel a huge burden lift from your heart and soul. God promises always to forgive. Our children may hesitate or refuse, but that is not up to us. We can only do our part. Getting right with God must be our priority. Repentance isn't a one shot deal. We continue to repent throughout our lives as we continue to sin and uncover new ways in which we sin. peel back the layers like an onion.

 Check out these practical  suggestions for when your kids don't want to spend time with you.

Don't yell at the refs!

This morning, I am running from God. I don’t want to look him in the eye or rather, I don’t want to see the disappointment when he looks in mine. I just got so frustrated last night. It wasn’t about winning or losing. I have seen my children do both and that is not it. It is not even about how my child played. I have seen my children play amazingly well and play poorly, sometimes all in the same game.

It was the refs. You may be thinking, “What else is new?” But hear me out. I am the first to shake a ref’s hand after a game and thank them for coming and taking the time to do what they do. But, something about last night’s game got me so frustrated. I felt helpless. And, then I got mad. I didn’t curse or call names. I didn’t even complain about bad calls. I cheered.

I cheered for the refs when they called a foul. One time, I yelled, “Great call!  That was really a great call!” as I clapped a little too loudly. I was being honest. It was the right call. I was just trying to highlight the fact that there were dozens of other times when the same call could have been made. The other coach had her 7^th and 8^th grade girls doing a full court press in the basketball game. That wound up being lots of reaching fouls and over the back fouls and one fat lip foul and a couple of “How is that not a foul!” fouls. But very few of those got called.

In the first period, no fouls were called. By the third, fourth and fifth periods, a few more were called. That’s when I started cheering. I wanted to influence the refs, influence the game, change the atmosphere, but I felt powerless to do so.

"Speak the truth in love," we are told, but some situations are hard to figure out. How do I speak the truth and yet hold back the insults, the curses, or the accusations? I guess we all feel that way at times. Sometimes it’s the situation at work with a coworker or boss who doesn’t fight fair. Maybe it’s the teacher at school who has a moving target for what they expect from you. Or maybe it is at home, our parents, a spouse, even our children can frustrate us to no end. How do we sort through our frustration to stay focused on the truth and speak out of love?

Some things I could have done differently last night:

1 – Wait for the right time. Be patient. When we are frustrated it seems like the only time that matters is right now. We can’t see past the moment, past the frustration to see what is coming next. The time for speaking up is often after the intensity of the situation is over and everyone is separated from the emotion of the moment. Sometimes, by then, we realize that we don’t need to say anything at all.

2 – Communicate your frustration. Sometimes you just need to communicate to a trusted friend or even just write in a diary or journal. But when you need to confront someone, it is so empowering to say in a calm voice, “I was so frustrated when…” What you are really showing is--I own my emotions. I can speak of them without being controlled by them. I am willing to talk to you about them because I either care about you and our relationship or because I am required to have a relationship with you because of the situation that we are in. Either way, I don’t want to hurt you. But, I am going to be me. I am going to express my emotions appropriately and you will have to deal with that--But, be careful not to accuse. “You made me feel…” is never a good start. It puts people on the defensive.

3 – Seek relationship. It may seem counter-intuitive to think about the person that you are upset with as a potential friend, but the best result of this confrontation is that you and the other person have a better relationship as a result of the conversation. Until that is your desire, don’t begin the conversation. Go back to #1 above. 

During the conversation, make sure that the other person knows that you want to build or rebuild a friendship through this. If they think you just want to be right or to make them feel guilty, they will defend themselves and attack you. Then, things will get worse, not better.

If they do wind up defending themselves and attacking you, withdraw. Don’t take it personally. Withdraw from them emotionally and don’t be sucked into a fight. Tell them calmly again, “I am not interested in arguing, I was hoping to talk through this and build (or rebuild) a better relationship with you. If you aren’t willing or ready to do that, then we can stop. If you want to try again another day, let me know. I’m here.”

The only thing we really have to offer to others is ourselves. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Extend yourself to others. Oh, and don’t yell at the refs.