Losing Faith: The Best Thing that Could Have Happened to Me

Going to College

When I left high school, I was a leader in my church youth group. I had brought people to youth group with me. Our youth group leader had led some of them to Christ, and I was confident in my faith.

I arrived at college a couple of weeks early to try out for the soccer team, so the place was pretty much deserted. Parties were held every night, but alcohol wasn't appealing to me, so I spent a lot of time alone.

Current research out of the Fuller Youth Institute suggests that the first two weeks of college are crucial for students. Most students will fall into some temptation or other, but how they deal with it, who they talk to about it and how much they dwell on it can set the tone for the rest of their time away from home.

After classes started for real, I wanted to make some friends, but I felt completely out of my element. So I decided to go out partying with a friend from high school. I still didn't drink, but I didn't know what else to do, so I went along and became the designated driver.

One time, there were eight or nine of us heading to a party. So, my friend from high school hopped in the trunk and rode to the party.

That was the most memorable thing that happened that night. The party was boring. I played quarters, a drinking game, but I drank shots of Sprite. It was stupid. The atmosphere was bizarre and kind of surreal. I felt totally out of place and had no desire to do what it took to feel "in place".

At the next party, I found myself wandering around on the street outside a frat house. They had supposedly spiked the punch with pure grain alcohol that wouldn't leave any alcohol taste. They had two flavors and kept serving my friends grape instead of cherry. They figured that the alcohol was only being served to the frat guys and the girls because none of my friends were getting drunk. So, I offered to get a cup, assuming that I could taste the alcohol or more quickly feel the effects of it since I was a non-drinker.

I couldn't taste anything and didn't feel a buzz. I told them they were probably being pranked and went outside to walk around.

I found another non-drinker, Antoine, who was also looking to make friends.

We ate some donuts, began talking and stopped going to parties.We had found what we were looking for. We made another friend, Pete and eventually we all became suite mates.

Pete and I found a church and joined a couple of Christian clubs on campus. I felt confident that I had survived the transition to college without losing my faith.

House of Faith

I like to use the analogy of a house when I talk about faith. It takes time to build. We each build our homes differently based on lots of variables from life experience to personality to circumstances.

And a house has three important aspects: the foundation, the structure and the décor.

I was sure that I had a firm foundation. Unfortunately, I was inexperienced and had little understanding of my faith. So, I began to build out instead of up.

Like an untrained builder, I was building my house away from the foundation. It hung off the edges and was supported by my intellect, personality, wit and logic. I was trusting in the wrong things. I was trusting largely in myself and my ability to understand and interpret the teaching of others. I became the judge of what was right and wrong.

(I looked for a picture on the internet of a house built hanging out away from a solid foundation, but there aren't any. I guess that's because no one does that. Here's one interesting picture I found, though.)

http://favim.com/image/121394

I could explain my points and “win” some arguments.

Then I had the talk (which I mentioned in an earlier blog, click here) with my father, an ongoing conversation that lasted for a whole summer.

That conversation shook my house of faith. It washed away all of the things that had no foundation and damaged the structural integrity of those things that did. I wasn’t sure what I could trust, what was real.

I learned to trust my intellect from my Dad. And my intellect and his intellect led us to different places.

I felt paralyzed by fear. I was afraid to think that I had been wrong. I was afraid to think that I had wasted so much of my life and energy on lies.

In time, I discovered that my foundation was unshaken, undamaged. I still believed in Christ. I still had a relationship with Christ. And, that was the realization I needed in order to have the courage to keep going. I tore down the rest of the house and started over.

I began to rebuild my house of faith. I read the Bible through from beginning to end. I started paying closer attention to what I was being taught. I checked things with Scripture. I had not learned the difference between exegesis, drawing conclusions out from the Scripture, and eisegesis, reading one’s ideas into the Bible, (e.g. drawing conclusions and then finding Scripture to support it). So, I still was making lots of assumptions, but I was sticking closer to my foundational beliefs.

Losing Faith, Again

So, my second house of faith was more carefully built.

In seminary, post-graduate training for a life as a pastor, I found myself in another storm. Even after what I had been through the first time, I wasn't ready for this.

I knew that my professors were incredibly intelligent. I believed that they loved Christ. And yet, they were telling me that many of the things I had been taught in church and Sunday School were untrue.

They taught me to study the Bible as literature. They taught me new ways of understanding the inerrancy and inspiration of Scripture. They taught me to question everything that I had learned up to that point.

I realized that so much of what I believed was based on other people’s opinions and interpretations of the Scripture rather than a prayerful, careful study of them. In seminary, I learned that there are many different ways to interpret the Bible and each way was inadequate to grasp the richness and wonder and glory of God.

They taught me to stop striving for the right answers and start striving for honest answers.

I learned to say, "That's not really clear from Scripture. There are different views on that. My best understanding is..."

God is an Ocean

To use a different analogy, as a teen, I was taught about the ocean, that is God, and thought that I had grasped it. I was taught about its vastness and its power. I was taught how to understand it.

After my conversation with my Dad, I began to visit the ocean, to feel the breezes, smell the salt filled air, and put my feet in the wet sand. I met artists on the beach painting seascapes and eventually I even started trying to capture it for myself.

In seminary, I learned to swim. I gave up the hope of ever capturing the ocean with my ideas or pictures, and I embraced its greatness and enjoyed exploring its beauty. I let it wash over me and envelop me.

The ocean is powerful. Most days, I stay close to the shore afraid of what the deep waters might bring. But, some days I feel brave, I trust God a little more, and I lose sight of the land for a little while. I like those days... when all there is is God. (Writing about it now is making me long for it. I need to plan my next trip.)

Katie frolicking in Washington, on the Pacific Coast

So, with the help of my professors, I tore down my house of faith again. This time, I knew the foundation was good. I even kept some of the weight bearing walls. My relationship with Christ was strong. It had stood the test of time.

And, then, over three years, they taught me how to build. I was free to build and shape my house however I wanted. Each paper I wrote, each discussion in class, and each personal encounter about some theological concept or practical ministry decision was an opportunity for them to show me the strength and weakness of my construction.

They taught me to know the limitations of my understanding and my theology, to hold my ideas with humility and grace. They helped me to see how my personality, experiences, and upbringing led me to certain beliefs. Others with different backgrounds were led in other ways.

My way wasn’t the right way and the other way wrong. Each had its strengths and weaknesses. Each was incomplete. But, they both provided shelter, security and a way to understand the world around us.

After having my house torn down twice already, I was afraid to build anything. They helped me get over my fear of saying, “I believe…” this or that. To begin construction again. But, they also helped me to engage with other beliefs without fear of losing my own faith.

After 21 years in ministry, my house of faith is still standing on the rock, the true foundation, Jesus Christ. I have moved some walls and definitely changed the décor, but

my faith is secure.

I appreciate the shelter that it provides, trusting God to hold me even if the walls fall again.

Our God is faithful. He will carry us through every trial. He only tears down our faith so that he can rebuild it again, stronger.

Part 4: How Long Would You Wait?

"How long do I wait?" That's what I kept thinking.  My son had gone into the Laser Tag arena for the first time. And, when everyone else returned, he was nowhere to be seen. I was beginning to worry. Not that he was kidnapped or hurt, but that he is in there freaking out or crying because he is lost or afraid. "Where is he?" I thought, still not ready to give words to my fear. How long do I wait until I say something or do something?

Here's the back story:

My son went to a classmate's birthday party this past weekend. He is in a new school, so he was a little nervous and was experiencing some new things with some new people, so he asked me to stay with him. I was glad to, and I made a deal with him. "You do your best to try as many new things as you can. Try really hard to be independent, and I will try really hard to be right there when you need me." It was a great party. Ryan got to drive a Go Kart, go rollerblading, and play Laser Tag all for the first time in his young life.


Each of the kids and the birthday boy's father all went into the Laser Tag arena...in the dark with strangely glowing lights and loud music. Not Ryan's comfort zone by any means. I wondered how he would do, but he went in and tried his best. I was so proud that he was willing to go in there without me.

Then, they all came out, the dad first, then a boy and a couple more. About 5 minutes later everyone was there ... except Ryan. OK, did he slip by unnoticed? Did he head over to the arcade? No. OK, what now?  But, I know in my mind it's not a big deal. But, I have to say something ... or should I just wait.

I finally tell the teen who has been assigned to our group. "One's still missing. My son is still in there." She counted up our group, looked around for him and then went back in to find him. A couple of minutes later, she came out with Ryan, a little shaken but no worse for the wear. I was happy that he had tried something new, and I was happy that I could be there when he needed me. I think he was glad too.

The question that I had to answer is the same one we all face when trying to resolve conflict. How long should we wait? How long until we give up hoping that the other person will respond with love and grace?

The process of Remembering looks something like this: Repent, Rethink, Redo, Remain, Respond, and Restart. Today is about remaining.

Remain:

Remain steadfast. Remain prayerful. Remain hopeful. Remain in Christ. In other words, wait. Continue to do your part, continue to repent, continue to rethink and make plans. But, wait. Trust God to do His part and pray for your child to do their part. They will need your prayers and your patience. Generally speaking, the longer there has been a rift, the longer they will need to heal and to trust you.

Isaiah 26:3 – Those of steadfast mind you keep in peace—in peace because they trust in you. (NRSV)

So, maybe you are wondering, "How long should I wait for my child to respond to me with love and grace? How long is too long? When should I give up and just walk away?"

The question that never occurred to me standing outside that Laser Tag arena is, "How long until I give up trying to find Ryan?" My favorite show is on in an hour, I don't want to miss it. My wife is making Chicken Cordon Bleu tonight, I guess I look for Ryan again tomorrow. My feet are hurting from walking around that roller rink so many times. Ryan is old enough to know better, he should be able to find his way back. That's absurd!

I wouldn't give up. That was never in question.

Just like you would never stop loving your child. Don't let yourself ask, "How much more of this can I take? How much more before I totally give up? How much longer until I lose all hope of having a relationship with my child?"

Those questions may be natural to have when you have tried so hard and feel like there is just no response at all from your child. But don;t dwell on those thoughts. Those questions have no place in our hearts as parents.

We have to commit to never give up.

Remain steadfast
for as long as it takes.
Never give up.
Keep hoping.
Cling to God for strength until that day comes.

If you need prayer for strength today, to keep hoping, please comment here, email or Facebook message me. I will be glad to pray for you or with you.

Don't Wait until Your Children are Teens.

Yesterday's blog was about improving communication with our children. And I talked about the value of youth centered conversations.youth centered conversations

Can you imagine any adolescent who wouldn’t appreciate a good youth centered conversation?

That’s not a hypothetical question. Can you?

Me too. What are they like?

Angry.

Mean.

Cold.

Abrasive.

Distant.

And… 

Hurting. Have they had their trust broken? maybe multiple times?

Exposed. Have they seen and experienced things either in person or through media and online that have stolen their innocence, twisted their perspective, broken their hearts?

Afraid. Afraid of who will hurt them next. Struggling to know who is safe and who they can talk to. 

Do they feel...

Unloved.

Unaccepted.

Unwanted.

What these teens need is a time machine. I wish they could go back before these things happened to them, before they made those bad choices and before they felt that despair. And, in those quiet moments of their childhood, I wish they had a parent or adult who would love them and accept them and put a priority on a relationship with them. They need these youth centered conversations to start as early as possible.

So for those of us with children who are still willing and interested in talking to us and opening their hearts and their imaginations to us, we need to listen. We need to stop doing all those important things that won’t matter a week from now, let alone a decade from now. We need to stop and listen to our children.

We need to teach them how to communicate by communicating with them. We need to teach them that they are loved by loving them. We need to stop making excuses and believing that we can focus on them later. From the moment they can communicate, we need to make communication with them a priority. Here's some tips on communicating with your child from All Pro Dad.

Start today! And if it feels like it's too late, like you've already lost your voice, tomorrow, I'll share with you a path to follow to bring healing and restoration to your relationship with your child.

Have you had a time when you stopped and listened to your child and was amazed by what you heard or learned from them? Please share in the comments.

How to Have Life Changing Youth Centered Conversations

I ate a healthy chocolate chip cookie the other day. Here's what the advertising says: "As much fiber as a bowl of oatmeal. As much iron as an 8oz cup of spinach. As much Vitamin E as 2 cups of carrot juice." My first thought was, "We are talking about a cookie, right? This is too good to be true!"

Then, I tasted one. And, thought, "This is definitely not too good to be true!"

Just for the record. I don't blame them for not making them taste good. Chocolate chip cookies aren't supposed to be healthy. Actually, saying "healthy chocolate chip cookie" is kind of like saying "beef-flavored turnips" or "turnip-flavored beef." They just don't belong in the same sentence let alone the same recipe.

Chocolate chip cookies should be tasty. And kale should be healthy.

As parents, we all want our kids to be healthy. We want them to grow and develop and when they don't, we do whatever is within our power to help them.

What can parents do to help their children be healthy spiritually? That’s an important question. 

Before we answer that we must ask another question that might turn our thinking on its head.

What can’t parents do to help their children grow spiritually? Or rather...

What can a child only do for themselves? As parents we try to interfere in lots of ways to supposedly help our children through life, but many of those things wind up hurting our children instead of helping them.

We can easily cross that line as parents:

We want our child to look the best or at least not stand out because they have clothes without name brands. But, they wind up learning that their worth is based on their appearance.

We cheer them on a little too vehemently from the sidelines or maybe even coach their team to show how much we care. But, they wind up learning that their value is based on their performance.

We work extra hard on their lines for the Christmas play so they won’t forget their lines. They learn that remembering the true meaning of Christmas isn’t as important as other peoples' opinions of us.

But, where is the line? How do we do all that we can to help and support and encourage our kids to be healthy without sending the wrong messages about what’s really important?

First of all, let me tell you what you know already, “It aint easy!”

You will mess up. The harder you try to control every possibility and figure out every angle, the more likely you are to either be paralyzed with fear and never do anything or, on the flip side, teach your child that they have to always be in control, always be perfect (and always be paranoid). Either way, you lose.

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one” ~ Elbert Hubbard

So, go and do and parent your kids and plan to make mistakes.

Alfred Adler, “Do not be afraid of making mistakes, for there is no other way of learning how to live!”

In the process, you will teach your kids that they, too, must learn how to live. They, too, must make mistakes in order to succeed.

So, how do we teach our children what’s really important? We communicate. We listen to them with our full attention and we speak to them with our whole heart. We think out-loud with them; we explain what we are thinking about and why. We talk to them about how to communicate, how we talk to one another. We listen to them and teach them to listen to others. Our children will learn to communicate by seeing us model it.

Then, we tell them what is most important to us and we listen to them tell us what is most important to them.

David Dollahite and Jennifer Thatcher decided that the best way to find out about the connection between spiritual growth and communication was to do some in-depth interviews with highly religious families. 74 families later, they found some interesting facts about communication with adolescents. See the chart below. It describes how adolescents react when parents take these proactive steps in their communication. Dollahite and Thatcher call them youth centered conversations. You’ll see why from the chart.

When parents…	Adolescents…
Listen more attentively	Talk more openly
Are understanding and compassionate toward the teen and their circumstances	Receive understanding and then begin to seek it from parents
Find specific applications where religion or spirituality could help in the teen’s life	See religion or spirituality as practical and useful
Enjoy talking with the teen and leave the door open for future communication	Enjoy talking with parents and leave the door open for future communication
Make nurturing the relationship with their teen a high priority in their lives	Make nurturing the relationship with their parents a high priority in their lives

These youth centered conversations demonstrate a parent’s awareness of and desire to specifically care for the child’s spiritual needs. It’s simple, but the response is a life-changing relationship between parent and child. And as a result, their research shows that adolescents from highly religious homes desire to grow spiritually, appreciate their parents’ involvement in their spiritual lives, and do grow spiritually.^[1]

That's all we want as parents isn't it? We really just want our kids to be healthy, to grow and develop. We don't have to wait until they are adolescents to start this though. My 8 and 10 year old are able to have these kinds of conversations with me already. They know I love them, that I am willing to listen and hopefully when the tough times come, they'll know that they can trust me and talk to me.

So, in the spirit of helping my kids be healthy, I only ate that one healthy chocolate chip cookie and saved the rest for them while I grabbed some Oreos.

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[1] David C. Dollahite and Jennifer Y. Thatcher, “Talking About Religion,” Journal of Adolescent Research 23, no. 5 (2008): 628–29.