Follow Your Bliss: Making Your Life Worth Living

Lately, I keep hearing the phrase, “Follow Your Bliss.” I think it will be one of our Family Rules. Mostly people just seem to use it to mean, “Do what makes you happy.” But, it stems from the work of Joseph Campbell. He described a way of living that flows from the core of your being, awakens your complete awareness (your consciousness) and flows toward what gives you bliss and rapture.

His statement, “follow your bliss,” encapsulates this whole notion.

He realized that he may never truly know if he had a proper consciousness or a proper sense of his being, but he felt sure that he knew what would bring him bliss. And, if he could follow that path toward his bliss, he felt sure that he would find both a proper consciousness and a proper being.

“If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are—if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time,” p. 150.

The Bible speaks similarly of the importance of following our deepest longings our greatest desires. We are to put off the sin that so easily entangles us and mires us in lies and bogs us down with false promises of happiness.

As we are setting aside the sin, we are told to focus on the prize that is before us. The One that we are longing for. The One that satisfies above all else. The One for which we were created. The One that offers us bliss and is able to deliver. The One and Only One who can provide what is promised. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Joseph Campbell continues,“In the Middle Ages, a favorite image that occurs in many, many contexts is the wheel of fortune. There's the hub of the wheel, and there is the revolving rim of the wheel. For example, if you are attached to the rim of the wheel of fortune, you will be either above going down or at the bottom coming up. But if you are at the hub, you are in the same place all the time. That is the sense of the marriage vow—I take you in health or sickness, in wealth or poverty: going up or going down. But I take you as my center, and you are my bliss, not the wealth that you might bring me, not the social prestige, but you. That is following your bliss,” p.147.

Campbell uses marriage as a symbol to explain following your bliss. Paul uses this image as well in 2 Corinthians 11. He desires that his readers be pure in their devotion to Christ. He desires that we be pure, undistracted, undefiled, giving our full attention to Christ.

Simply put, we get easily distracted. We have so many immoral choices that when we overcome those desires and begin to live moral lives, we tend to think that we have arrived. We begin to believe that this life's goal is to sin less. But, this is just a means to an end. Sinlessness is our of our reach. And, sinning less only provides an opportunity for living from the core of our being with complete awareness (consciousness) of our true bliss, the One who has called us, loved us, died for us, and has been resurrected, giving us a confident hope for eternal life.

If we sin less today than yesterday, we must not think that we have arrived at some end. We must continue to journey toward our true bliss with all that we are. In Matthew 22:37-39, Jesus quoting Moses described the path to our true bliss as, "‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’"

There are desires in our hearts other than following Jesus, and these may or may not be leading us toward our true bliss. We can recognize it in others more easily than we can in our own lives.

The boy who bullies other children like his father bullies him. The girl with an unaffectionate father looking for a boyfriend to meet that need. The man who drinks just a beer or two each day to calm his nerves, so that he can keep it together for his family. The recently divorced woman who starts going to the gym, wearing low-cut blouses and high slit skirts.

The desires and needs are real, but they have substituted a lie for the truth and have settled for less than true bliss.

But then there are passions and desires that stem from the core of who we are: a love for art or nature, a need to fix or build something, an eye for beauty or style, a knack for numbers or problem solving, an ease of conversation that allows someone to strike of a conversation. This book and website might help you find what your strengths are.

These are expressions of our true self peaking through.

We can choose to stifle them, ignoring our design, or we can choose to embrace them, to recognize of a bit of our true selves that has been revealed.

Follow your bliss.

For Parents: When asked how parents could help their children follow their bliss, Joseph Campbell answered thoughtfully, “You have to know your child and be attentive to the child.” The best way to do this is through youth centered conversations.

Joseph Campbell quotes are from The Power of Myth by Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers

Confessions of a Pastor, Part 2

(Part 1 of this confession can be found here)

About a year after I had begun counseling, I was finally in a position to make the changes that I needed to make in order to rebuild my life on a solid foundation. It had all started in the fall of 2009:

While I had been living to please people for years, I hadn't been truly overwhelmed until our senior pastor took two months off for a sabbatical, a spiritual refresher. I had almost begged for a sabbatical in 2003 and then again in 2007, but the church leaders didn't think it was necessary and didn't seem to understand why they would pay me to not be there. But in 2009, when our pastor had seen tragedy in his family and in the church, they began to understand.

Everything in me knew that he needed this time. He had been through a very difficult couple of years and wasn't acting like himself. He needed time to untie some of the knots in his heart and refocus on his wife and family and his own self care.

I determined to be both Pastor and Assistant Pastor until he returned. The normal pressures of my job remained constant, but I added the responsibility of checking my email constantly throughout the day, answering every phone call, and being "on" all the time. My sleep suffered. And, in turn everything else suffered.

The elders praised my leadership and wisdom during this time, and I felt that emotional inflation that I longed for. But it faded as quickly as it would come. It wasn't enough.

As a pastor, I had learned to suppress my feelings and to not express emotion in order to be strong and trustworthy for others to be able to rely on. But, in the previous 4 years, I had been reemerging, feeling again, and learning to recognize and express my emotion appropriately. All of that shut down again. I went into survival mode.

I ministered to others out of a numbness in my soul.

Though only those closest to me seemed to notice, I was dying.

When the pastor returned in October, he asked me how I was doing. I said, "Fine" and the catching up on things continued. He and I had grown to trust one another through our time together pursuing a doctorate degree. So, I wasn't lying, I was just carrying on as I had learned to, putting one foot in front of the other.

The next morning, during my prayer time, I typed out this letter to him. I am not even sure if I sent this or something similar:

Pastor,

I didn’t know how to say this in person when you asked yesterday, but I feel on edge all the time. I feel like I am one step away from burning out. I feel like...everyone wants a little piece of me. I feel like I am empty and when I get up early to pray or spend a moment to talk with Rachel that it is just a little sip of cool water and doesn’t satisfy, just shows me how thirsty I really am, and then I am pouring it out and become dehydrated so quickly again. I feel like I am always about ready to burst into tears or punch something in anger. I can’t seem to cry, so the only emotion that surfaces is the anger. ... I am empty and can’t seem to refill. I am trying to be refreshed and recommitted to doing the simple things which I know God will use to refresh me, but I can’t seem to catch up. I always feel like it is just out of reach and then the next phone call comes. … I have no sense of well being. ... Everything is laborious and it takes forever for me to think and decide and act.

Thanks for asking. I’m not sure what to do now. I am trusting that God will provide rest and refresh me by his Spirit.

My cry for help,

Dave

Pastor and the elders took it seriously and told me to take a month off during the Christmas season and two months off during the summer.

I began to go to counseling during this first sabbatical month and continued it for over a year. In the beginning, there was just an amazing freedom to speak about myself and delve into my own heart and soul, to let the tears flow whenever they wanted to with no reason in the world to hold back.

I was convinced that there was no way forward without dealing with whatever might surface. The counselor was great. He would listen and probe and listen some more. Eventually, when I was done unloading, he would gently guide my thinking or give me direction. But, he always began by allowing me to explore my own heart in the presence of God and so helped me not to be afraid of what I might find.

I found lots of pain and lots of grace.

My counselor affirmed what I knew to be true. I had to care for myself, my soul, my heart, even my body, before I could be of any use to help anyone else. I was at a pivotal junction in my life. I had felt hopeless and helpless, but was beginning to believe that God could lead me through this.

I learned to make simple changes that would redirect my path and bring me closer to health and healing.

If you have found yourself in a similar situation or are there right now, here is what I learned about myself and how to promote health.

First, I set and reset clear boundaries.This wasn't a one time fix it all. The boundaries kept shifting as I grew to understand myself and my needs and my capacities.
 
I had to say, "No," to good things in order to say, "Yes," to the right things, the best things, the things that offered me hope for the future. Anything that I was doing to please people instead of for the glory of God had to stop. Even when it came from my bosses, I would say, "No, I don't think that's best." If they still wanted me to do it, I would try to explain what things I would have to stop doing in order to do this thing and then follow their lead.

Every time we say, "Yes" to something, we are saying no to lots of other things.

I said, "No," to counseling parishioners and coworkers when I already had someone to counsel that day. I mostly limited the counseling sessions to one hour each day. It was all I could handle. I made sure I was home with my family two of the five nights during the week. I stopped staying up past ten or else I couldn't get up by 6 to spend time with God. I set up relational boundaries and limited some peoples' access to me. This was the hardest and most crucial because these were some of the same people who I had earlier depended on for affirmation.

Maybe there are some things that you just need to stop doing. Maybe that will be the key that changes how you feel and which direction you are headed. I needed to do this and more...

Second, I found things that were truly refreshing.

Music - I would listen to uplifting, positive music that made me feel good.
Exercise - I started running, moving, sweating. I had not felt so good physically in years. But, it also helped me feel better emotionally.
Create - Writing poetry, painting, drawing, computer design, photography. I tried it all and enjoyed expressing myself and my feelings.
Sabbath - Taking one day a week off, totally off. It was hard and many weeks I failed, but it was great when it happened. I used that time to decompress, disconnect, connect with my soul and connect with my kids.
Journal - I had been doing this for years, and it is probably one of the keys that kept me going for as long as I did. This allowed me to think and not judge my thoughts, just let them flow.
Prayer and Bible reading - Often in my journal, I would record my prayers and what I believed God was saying to me. I would also read the Bible, listening for God's word to me. This allowed my relationship with Christ to grow and develop and stay fresh, vibrant and relevant.
Talk to Rachel - Spending time with Rachel allowed me to have confidence that we were in accord, of one mind about the direction and purpose of our lives. Without this, I would find myself constantly wondering and worried. With it, I could relax and focus on the moment. We tried to talk each night before we fell asleep.

I don't know which of these things would be refreshing to anyone else, but these are the things that gave me more than they took. They refreshed and revitalized me.

Others are refreshed by yoga, walks in nature, time spent in solitude, time spent with certain friends, phone calls to a certain relative, jacuzzi time or time making music. The key is to find what refreshes you. What makes you smile just to think about it.

Use a scalpel, surgically remove those things that are most draining by setting clear boundaries and use that time to set up routines of refreshing.

Those things that refresh you, then, become the backbone of your life. They form the skeleton which provides the strength and support that everything else forms around. So, first thing in the morning, don't check your emails from work, spend time sipping coffee, listening to the birds and reading the Bible. At lunch, don't work through lunch isolated in your cubicle, pounding out one more email that has to get sent. Do a crossword, listen to some positive music, talk with a friend while eating a healthy lunch, walk around the outside of the building to get some fresh air, or take 5 minutes to meditate on a passage of Scripture.

Be patient with yourself. I had spent years getting myself to the point of burnout, listening to my counselor, I realized that it would take months if not years to rebuild my life on a new foundation.

After a year and a half of setting healthy boundaries and filling my life with things that were refreshing and revitalizing, I felt whole again. I was hopeful and had joy again. I felt positive about the future and looked forward to each day's possibilities.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Trust God that He can get you from here to there. Whether you are desperate like I was or just feeling afraid that you can't do it all, begin to make changes that will allow you to obey God when He calls, to be who you were created to be, to Follow Your Bliss.

PS - Yesterday, I found this timely article by Craig Groeschel on the addictive need to please, and what finally set him free.

Confessions of a Pastor

I was a well-loved pastor at a local church of 200 or so members. I have a perfect family: a loving wife, Rachel, two strong daughters and two happy sons. I had a job that I had worked for 19 years and was convinced that it was God’s will for me. I had lots of love and support and had made some lifelong friendships, though fewer than I had thought.

The difficulty of the job was that I would often work long hours, missing evenings at home for one meeting or another. Many days, I would come home emotionally drained from counseling people through difficult times in their lives. When I didn’t have parishioners to counsel, often my coworkers would look to me for counseling. Because of the emotional drain, my relationship with Rachel suffered. I often lost my patience and my temper with the kids. I was running on empty and not sure how to recover.

I was miserable and a few years ago, I felt completely overwhelmed. I wondered how I had gotten so burnt out?

Everything I did, I tried to do my best.
Everything I did, I tried to be “good”.
How can being good be bad?

But, I knew that I could no longer live like this.
I had to stop and figure out...What was happening? Who was I anyway? Where was I headed?

So, I went to counseling. I told my counselor my story and heard it myself for the first time from my own lips.

I grew up with loving parents in a loving family in a lovely suburban home. I was surrounded by nature and had good friends. It was all pretty amazing. And, as a kid, I looked to my Mom. She was perfect to me. She worked hard to make sure we were provided for. She loved us; she hugged and kissed us; she cooked for us and cleaned up after us. She came to our games and cheered us on. She was perfect. Not Oedipus complex perfect, but Mary Poppins perfect (without the carpet bag).

Then every weekend, my Dad would be home with us. And, there he’d sit, in his recliner, watching TV, and not even noticing my Mom cooking and cleaning and serving him ice coffee.

Somehow, in my mind, my Dad became the captor and my Mom needed to be rescued. I was a kid, so I “rescued” by helping to set the table or cook or clean. Whatever I could do to help my Mom, I wanted to do. I was just a kid.

And, I noticed something, whenever I helped, I was praised and thanked. It brought a smile to my Mom's face. I brought a smile to my Mom's face.

"You are so cute

so helpful

such a good kid."

Those words felt so good to hear.

They fed the empty part of my soul.

I was "good" because she said so.

I couldn’t rescue my mom (especially since I found out much later that she didn’t want rescuing. She actually loved using her gifts and abilities to serve others), but I really liked getting those compliments.

That stuck with me. I learned to be helpful wherever I went, whenever I wanted some positive attention: in the classroom, on a team, with friends, at work and even at church. After I became a Christian at 15, I realized that church people really liked you if you were helpful. They said many of the same things my Mom had said.

In college, I started helping out with the youth program in a church. My senior year, I got hired as a part-time youth leader. I went on to get my master’s degree in divinity, so I could be a pastor full time. I became a youth pastor. Then, I became an assistant pastor. Every time, being a helper was rewarded. And, I kept hearing those compliments. And, I believed that I was “good” because they said I was good.

To me, those compliments were like helium in the balloon of my emotions. Over time, they would wear off, and I would feel like I was dragging on the floor, and I just needed a bit more of that helium. Sometimes I would go weeks with just enough small compliments to keep me feeling great about myself. Other times, when I’d screw up and hurt someone’s feelings or let someone down, when I was feeling lonely or unlovable, I would feel emotionally exhausted.

I learned that I needed a “hit” of affirmation to make me feel good about myself.

So, I would go to work and serve and be helpful. Most of the time, my strategy worked. I surrounded myself with positive, encouraging people and I tried hard to please them.

Sometimes, I just wanted someone to smile. Other times, I needed to know that I was the one they needed to help them, the one who finally listened to them or spent time with them.

I created this image of myself. I am a: Good Christian. Good person. Good friend. Good father. Good husband. Good pastor. I am Good.

My image was critical to my happiness. I clung to it. I believed it. I lived it. I made everyday choices based on it. I dreamt of being good and then I acted like it was true.

What I thought was positive, became negative. I wound up thriving on other people needing me. I wasn’t happy unless I was successful at helping someone else feel happy. I was driven to help, to rescue, to save.

I was simply acting out what I had learned all those years ago. If you want people to be happy with you, help them to feel happy about themselves.

This in turn led eventually to me losing my job. Not that many people knew the why behind the what, behind my actions.

A couple of years ago after some intense times with my counselor and even more intense time with God, I realized that the reality is: God did call me to be a pastor. But, on the human side, I chose to be a pastor because I wanted to feel good about myself by helping other people feel good about themselves. At this, I was very skilled. But, it couldn’t last. The foundation couldn’t last. So, God tore down that foundation and had me start over building a new life on a new self-image.

I am only good in Christ. I am weak and His power is made perfect through my weakness.

(Part 2 of this confession can be found here)

The Blessing of Anna Rachel Zirilli

The Blessing:

"Anna Rachel Zirilli, you are our daughter, whom we love; with you we are well pleased. You are no longer a little girl. You are now a woman. You are well equipped with everything you need to fulfill your calling as a woman of God," so ended a ceremony of blessing our 16 year old daughter in the company of family and friends, and some of the women who have been a blessing to her over the years. many of these women took the opportunity to speak and bless her. We collected their words in a scrapbook. And, we put together a word art collage incorporating some of those words, framed it and gave it to her as a reminder of who she is.

Word Art blessing given to Anna

 

My sixteen year old daughter is amazing. We love her. We looked at her and realized that somewhere along the way these past sixteen years she stopped needing her diapers changed, stopped needing us to cut up her meat, and stopped sticking car keys in electric sockets. And today, my wife will bring her to go get her driver's permit. She is no longer a child, but a woman.

We knew that we wanted to celebrate this with her, and so we dreamed up a way to do just that. For the past month we have been secretly contacting old teachers, family and other acquaintances who have had a part in Anna's life inviting them to participate in a blessing ceremony. Here is the blessing I read over her at the end of the ceremony:

"Anna Rachel Zirilli, you are our daughter, whom we love; with you we are well pleased. You are no longer a little girl. You are now a woman. You are well equipped with everything you need to fulfill your calling as a woman of God.

Before the foundation of the earth, God Almighty planned for your life and planned for you to be a woman. He knew this day would come. Psalm 139 says that He created your inmost being. He knit you together in your mother's womb. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. All the days ordained for you were written by God even before you were born. There is nothing that you will ever need to do to become a woman, because God has already made you one.

Today, we are simply recognizing publicly the work that God has already completed in you. Anna, you have heard what we think of you today. We see in you honesty, integrity, love, strength, grace, humility, power, weakness, intelligence, wisdom beyond your years, self-control, spiritual sensitivity and spiritual hunger, frugalness, compassion, a love for your Lord and Savior, and a desire to share that love with others. God has made you intelligent—you have a strong mind. God has made you beautiful. We've also noticed since the time you were a little girl that our Lord has given you a great ability to understand right and wrong, good and evil. You get along with everyone and are well-respected and well thought of by others, young and old alike. You are a leader and have used your leadership skills to make wise decisions concerning your friends and in many other areas of your life. We are filled with joy that God has given you to our family. You are a gift. You are a wonderful daughter

We love you and we bless you with all that God has for you. You are His and have been set apart from the world for his Holy purposes. We bless you with God's everlasting love, wisdom, peace, and joy. We bless you with sexual purity and if the Lord wills, marital fidelity and children of your own.

Would you gather around Anna, lay your hands on her as we pray together.

“The Lord bless you, and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine on you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace."'

Lord, we are here today because we love Anna. We want her to know that we can see the work that you have done in her life in making her a woman. We commit her to you and we trust You to continue the work that you have begun in her. Make her into the masterpiece that you have designed her to be and You alone can create in her. We thank you for her. In Jesus’ name, Amen."

“Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life!”

It was an amazing day! Hopefully, one that Anna will never forget.

This blessing ceremony was our way of giving Anna a milestone to mark her passage from childhood to adulthood. We don't ever want her to believe that she needs something in order to become a woman. We don't want her to need a relationship, a job, a calling from God, a degree, or any measure of success in order to feel like she has become a woman.

We want her to know that she is a woman because God has created her to be just that. She doesn't have to prove it or earn it. She is.

Whether you have a child who needs to hear this or whether you just needed this reminder yourself, make sure you believe it. There is no greater waste of time than pursuing something that you already have. Finding it comes in resting and trusting in God, not in the endless pursuit.

"Meaningless. meaningless, everything is meaningless, a chase after the wind!"

Maybe today you need to look in the mirror or in the eyes of your teen and speak these words of truth.

You are a child of God. You are loved beyond all measure. You are an adult who doesn't have anything to prove. You are valuable because you are valuable to God. You are important because you are important to God. You are special, you are successful, you are all that God wants you to be. Surrender your great expectations.

Let God's opinion of you trump your own.

He's a much better judge than you or I.

(Here is the basic outline of the Blessing Ceremony that we used.

And, this is the intro and explanation that we prepared:

We believe that there is one God and Father over all and in all and through all. We believe that there is one Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, through whom all people can be saved. And, we believe in the Holy Spirit who indwells all those who believe to convict, encourage and comfort them. We believe that Anna, based on your confession of faith, we believe that you are His. We believe He chose you to be our daughter and that He chose us to be your family and friends. We believe that He has your life preordained according to His abundant grace and plan for your life.

When you were still in Mommy’s belly, there was a time that we committed you to His care. You were, then, as you are now, very active. Since you were our first child, we were a little scared when we would see your heal or elbow push out and travel across the front of her belly, jutting out. And, then one day, you were quiet. You didn’t move for about 24 hours and here you sit, nothing wrong, but at that moment we weren’t sure what was going on. You probably just needed a long nap from all those gymnastics.

We climbed into bed that night and mommy turned to me and said that you hadn’t moved that day. I said, “Oh,” and preceded to go to sleep. She said, “The baby hasn’t moved all day.” “Oh! Are you worried that something’s wrong?” “I don’t know.” For those of you who don’t speak woman, that means, “Yes.” And, for once, I understood it. So, we prayed together.

As we prayed, God spoke to us. We felt like He was telling us that we were powerless. That we would have to trust him. That we couldn’t keep this little baby of ours alive, keep her heart beating, keep her lungs breathing, protect her from every disease and every evil even if we made it our only goal in life. We were powerless. This was sobering and our tears flowed onto our pillows.

But, He didn’t leave us there. He told us that he was able to protect and guide and hold our baby every single day of her life. And, that whether she died in Rachel’s womb that day or lived a hundred years, that He could hold her for eternity. He told us to trust him, to trust you to His care. And, we did. We didn’t have a promise that night that you would be ok. But, we had a promise that God was responsible for you and would care for you. That he was trustworthy.

We have clung to that promise every day until this one for each of our children. Today we want to celebrate Anna becoming a young woman. It is in conjunction with her sixteenth birthday, but it is not really about a number of years or a day of the year.

We want to celebrate what God has done and is doing in Anna’s life. He has guided her each day and he has made her a woman. She has graciously received His blessings and desired His leading in her life. We don’t know when it happened exactly, but we chose today to recognize that it has.

Anna Rachel Zirilli, today we acknowledge that you are a woman, a woman of God, and we who are gathered here today, will continue to love you and help you find your way on this next phase of your journey.

Some of you here have written something to Anna for this occasion and have come prepared to read it to her. Please do that now.)