The "Routine" Procedure

The "Routine" Procedure

My 12 year old son had to go through a “routine” medical procedure a few months ago. I did okay getting him to the hospital. I did okay in the waiting room as we each read our books and watched old time Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck cartoons. I was feeling unsettled, but I could block that out with the tales about Coach Wooden and his dad. Then, we were called in and Ethan was given one of those hospital gowns. We told him which side was the front and how the breezy side was the back. And, that unsettled feeling I had been trying to ignore was rushing to the forefront. I hated this.

I wanted to be anywhere in the world but here. But, I had a choice. I could be somewhere else. But, I wanted to be here, here with my son to bring him comfort and peace and hope and confidence. So, there I sat or stood or paced and prayed and trusted and prayed and doubted and prayed and hoped. And this was a “routine” procedure. I cannot imagine living in a world where this was routine.

The anesthesiologist asked him if he wanted gas to relax him before she put the IV in to help rehydrate him. He shook his pale smiling head and said that he just couldn’t watch the needle go in, after that he’d be fine. She kept talking to him about how brave he was. He was brave. I wasn’t feeling brave.

I walked alongside him into the procedure room, praying and holding his hand until they put the tube in his mouth and started the real IV that knocked him out.

He was in the room for less than an hour when the doctor told us that everything was fine, maybe a little area of concern, but we could treat that with medicine if need be. They would let us know when the results came back from the tests they took.

Then, we sat watching him as he slept. And, I couldn’t help but feel completely helpless. The only thing I wanted in that moment was for my son to be okay, to wake up and be okay. The machines were all hooked up and every indication that modern medicine could offer told me he was okay and was going to be okay. But, my whole life was upside down.

I hated seeing him like that. I hated that helpless feeling, knowing that there was nothing I could do to fix this and make everything okay again. I could not protect him from this, and I could not speed his recovery. I could only wait and hope.

Even with the full confidence of science and medicine, my heart ached and my body followed. I felt like throwing up.

I bet most parents have felt that way about their children at one point or another. Hopeless and helpless. Even most of those without children can relate to seeing a loved one suffer, a parent, a sibling, or a friend.

Comparisons

If you compare your situation to mine, you might think I was overreacting.

I recently met a couple who lost their young son to cancer after a prolonged battle. I am sure they experienced every emotion and fear and doubt that I experienced in those few hours, but with greater intensity and prolonged over years instead of minutes. There was even a time when they thought he had won the fight and was in remission.

A woman from our church found out about her son’s death after he crashed his car on the way to the prom. I’m sure she experienced the same feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

Surely my situation doesn’t compare to theirs.

That is the thing. They don’t compare. My pain doesn’t compare with your pain. My life doesn’t compare to your life. My faith doesn’t compare to your faith. We are all gifted by God with different hopes, different dreams, different courage and different faith. Because we all face different suffering, different heartache, different pain, and different loss. There is no way to compare ourselves with one other. There is no objective standard, no measuring rod.

And, besides, if there was a measuring rod, we would all fall into the deception of thinking that our lives are worse than somebody else’s, that life is unfair, or that we are better than someone else because of how we have lived our lives compared to them. And, I think we all know how destructive that is. It leads to bigotry, hatred, condescension, insults, arrogance, and that awful feeling that we are all alone, isolated from everyone around us.

That leads to the death of compassion. We close our hearts to others because we feel that they have closed their hearts to us.

And, that is where our suffering and pain is meant to lead us. When we compare ourselves to one another it separates us, divides us into those that are like us and those that are not.

Us vs. Them.

Compassion

But, compassion draws us toward one another. When we see someone else in pain and are drawn by God to feel, to have empathy, we experience oneness and unity. We feel compassion for them and love for them. We feel what God feels when he sees our suffering.

As Mother's Day came and went, I could not help but ache for those who have lost children.

It is obvious that our new friends have experienced peace and grace and hope throughout the torture of walking with their son through cancer and grieving his death. It is clear that the struggle for life and the defeat of death was not the whole story. They spoke about their son with smiles and love and hope. Together we laughed and played and spoke of Christ's love. They have a peace and confidence that doesn’t make sense.

They have a peace and confidence that medical and scientific progress couldn’t give me as I looked into the colorless face and lifeless expression of my son lying on that hospital bed.

Strange.

Their peace brings me peace. Just like their struggle can’t be compared to my struggle. Their peace can’t be compared to my peace.

But, I can draw strength and hope from it. I can and I am.

They have gone through hell manifesting itself on earth. They have experienced the result of sin on this earth fulfilling its goal, leading to death.

They have also experienced heaven on earth. A oneness with God, a peace, a love that they attribute to Christ.

This reminds me of a verse from the Bible that I have memorized over the years.

Christ was using an illustration about branches needing to remain connected to the vine in order to have life when he said, “apart from me you can do nothing.”

When I live apart from Christ and apart from the people he gave me to love, I die. If you have ever felt so depressed that you didn’t think you could get up out of bed, you didn’t think you could take another step, you didn’t care whether you lived or died, you couldn’t eat and all you wanted to do was sleep, then you have experienced this verse to some extent. “Apart from [Christ] you can do nothing.”

If you have suffered through addiction and felt powerless to break from the chains that you feel, then you too have experienced the truth of this verse, "apart from [Christ] you can do nothing."

If you have ever faced a life controlled and confined by fear, anxiety and worry. If you have ever said, "No, I just can't do that," because you were afraid you might have a panic attack. If you have ever not done when you knew in your heart was the right, good and best thing to do because you were terrified what might happen. Then, you have experienced the reality of the verse, "apart from [Christ] you can do nothing."

The flip side of that verse is one that many of us teach even to our youngest children. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

If apart from Christ we can’t even go to work or stop from taking a smoke or walk into a crowded mall, it makes sense that whatever Christ gives us the strength to do, we can do.

Like I said, I wanted to be anywhere in the world except there with my wife watching my son go through that. But, Christ gave me the strength to do what I wanted to do even more, be there for him. As Rachel and I sat by his bed, Christ gave us strength and peace and hope and courage. Christ gave us love that overcame our fear. My heart said to run and hide and try to numb the pain I felt. But, Christ’s love gave me the courage to sit and wait and pray and hope.

I guess that is always our choice. Face the fear and the pain and the suffering of life with love or not. We can always choose to run and hide and numb the pain or stand and fight in our own strength of mind and will and body.

But, in the end, the only choice we have is whether or not to remain in Christ. “Apart from me you can do nothing.” OR “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

Live in strength. Live in Christ.

Live in peace. Live in Christ.

Live in love. Live in Christ.

Choose life. Choose Christ.

Then, we will have compassion and empathy for those around us. Then, we will be a bright light offering hope and a way to those around us.

Thank you Jesus for being our light, our way, our hope, our peace and our strength.

2 - Lauren: Her Search for a Place to Belong

(This is the second part in a series of blog posts based on interviews I did with 7 adults ages 26-32 about their experience growing up in an American evangelical Christian church setting. All names have been changed to protect their identities.)

Lauren was 32 years old when I interviewed her. She grew up attending a single church until middle school.

The pastor there “knew my name. I always felt loved by him, by everybody there.”

Her description of this church was “the happy, typical church experience,” but what she described was something almost too-good-to-be-true.

When her parents left that church to search for another, she struggled with feelings of insecurity and isolation. Her entire world revolved around her relationships at church and when they were taken from her, she felt totally alone, unloved, and unknown.

Her family bounced around from church to church. “There wasn’t any one person I could look back at that time and say that person truly cared about me really…. At that point I was a preteen and teenager and I felt like a ghost. I didn’t really belong anywhere.”

This loss of place, loss of identity stuck with her in the following years.

Sarcastically, she described her parents looking for “the perfect church in the county”, she felt like she was placed in very uncomfortable situations week after grueling week.

“So we went to all these different churches and you can imagine, middle school girls aren’t easy for anybody and now I’ve been ripped away from my friends and sort of that comfort and security, and thrown into these awkward, awkward situations of churches making you stand up and introduce yourselves and having you go to Sunday School class after Sunday School class with all these people that you don’t know and looking at you… and being on the outside. I was not an outgoing person at all and really shy, and it was just horrific. When I think back on my life, that was like the most… darkest, and uncomfortable, and just lost feeling ever… and I’m so angry at my parents for pulling me out of church.”

A detailed story that she shared illustrates how this time of transition between churches impacted her and actually helped her to discover strength that she didn’t know she had.

“I went to the overnight sleepover at this church, not really making any friends, nobody was talking to me. I was by myself the whole time. Then, they played a game of hide and go seek.

We hid and I had a really good spot, a great spot, and the game was over and nobody had found me, and I just sort of waited to see what would happen, and they just started the next activity. They didn’t realize I wasn’t there. It was purposeful. It wasn’t like I was stupid sitting in the dark not knowing what was going on. I knew that they wouldn’t notice, and they didn’t.”

This had an interesting effect on her. Instead of feeling unloved and unwanted, she had this feeling of being in control. She had put them to the test and they had failed to care about her. “I remember actually having a better time after that point because I realized that they didn’t care about me, and I was able to have that self-worth.”

When she realized that no one there cared about her, she took control and enjoyed herself without having to test them anymore. She could just take what they had to offer, the program, the event and have fun. She didn’t make an effort to try to build relationships. She knew that wasn’t part of the deal.

She later described these churches in this way. “They were running programs, it wasn’t there because the people that were involved truly cared about what I was going through.”

It was not until years later that she felt accepted, like she belonged anywhere.

Worse yet, Lauren never felt accepted by her parents. She felt like she could never make them happy, no matter how hard she tried.

“I wish I had grown up with the acceptance of people who had flaws, as opposed to this rejection of people who had any sort of flaws.”

A Church Family

Her family finally settled into a church, but she hated it. So, in ninth grade, she decided to start attending church with a friend.

She CHOSE to go somewhere other than where her parents went.

As an adult, she thinks it is strange that her parents would let her do that, but at the same time, she believed that having that choice and that independence helped to shape her identity.

Lauren described her time at her new church as reminiscent of her time at her first church. It was here that she finally felt like she belonged again.

She regained her sense of safety and security. It was here that she felt loved and accepted.

“I always will look fondly at [that church] because I had an Aunt [Rachel] and an Uncle [Bill] and I had Mrs. [Johnson], I had Mr. [Johnson], I had Uncle [Bob]. It was all these people that I didn’t know, they weren’t my family and yet they immediately became my family. You and Rachel, okay now I’m not going to cry, you never made me feel, I never felt insignificant. I always felt important.”

As she detailed many people from this church who became an extended family to her, the emotion rose in her voice. Then, she remembered a humorous story to illustrate how far this love and acceptance went.

As a teen, the youth group was preparing to leave for a retreat when the driver noticed that the headlight wasn’t working.

“He told me to hit it, and I decided to kick it. I don’t know why. I wasn’t like that. And I broke it, and it wasn’t something like, it wasn’t even the light that broke, I broke the…, the whole thing kicked in. The light stayed intact. I was horrified.

In my house, I would have been done. And here they were totally—I will never forget, it was the most, one of the most embarrassing times in my life—I remember they were both, they were cracking up that I had done it, and they were so loving and caring and it shocked me.”

She perceived the church family as being even more accepting and understanding than her own parents. This allowed her to grow in her identity and self-worth. She went on to say, “I think the churches that stick out in my mind are the churches where somebody noticed me; somebody cared; somebody paid attention; somebody KNEW MY NAME; somebody asked me a question; somebody cared about me.”

With this confidence in herself and guided by her understanding of what God wanted for her, she was able to move out on her own after high school, go to college, get a few jobs that she really felt good about. She became successful.

Perfection vs. Imperfection

As an adult in her twenties, she was actively involved as a volunteer at church and unknowingly had adopted this attitude of rejecting people who showed signs of imperfection. At one of the volunteer Christmas parties, Bill gave her the book, Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning, which is all about God’s gracious love for broken people like the author, who was an alcoholic.

She recalled, “I read that book and this is literally what I said at the end, ‘This book is a joke. This isn’t true. You shouldn’t be allowed to mess up like this and then be able to write about it and make other people think it’s okay.’ That was my impression of that book and I couldn’t understand what [Bill] or anybody saw in it. I thought it was absolutely wrong and that nobody—you shouldn’t promote things like that.”

Her inability to accept others stemmed from the feeling that her parents could never accept her. She never felt good enough for them. So, she made sure that no one else was good enough either.

During what turned out to be a pivotal time in Lauren’s adult life, she felt frustrated with where her life was headed and decided to take control. She decided to stop trusting her future to God and doing what was expected of her by people at church. She was going to do what she wanted to do so that she could be happy.

Soon after this, she stopped working with the church youth group because she wanted to focus on herself and on getting married.

“You figure at that point I was 25 and every girl feels they are going to be alone forever at that point (which is totally irrational but now looking back that’s what I thought). I decided to focus on myself and so I met this guy who had two kids and was not a [Christian] and I was ready to throw everything away. I was going to date this man and just ‘Ha, ha!’ to everything else.”

Everything changed one day while she was brushing her teeth. She remembered

shouting out to God.

“I remember at that point God told me, ‘You’re doing something dumb. This is not the plan for your life. This is not what you’re supposed to be doing.’ And I remember shouting out to God and saying, ‘Oh yeah, what have You done for me?’ Because, by 25, I didn’t have a good relationship with my family. I had been moved a thousand times. I didn’t have a typical story. I didn’t have boyfriends. I didn’t have proms. I didn’t have these things that other people have.”

Lauren’s entire life was playing out before her. She could feel all of the injustice. She had sacrificed so much to be a Christian. All the normal things, the fun things that kids get to do, she had given up to serve him. She had done so much for Him and was so angry and challenged God, “What have You done for me?”

She was “just so angry and that’s what I said to God. And, you know those moments where God just talks to you? God said, ‘I sent my son to die for you on the cross’ and it was the most—I don’t want to even say like the most humbling—It was the most loving point, like I totally—It wasn’t a moment of like that God punished me and made me feel guilty and made me feel—cause that’s a horrible thing to say, you know that’s awful to say to God but it was like this moment of absolute purity and love and simplicity and I was like, ‘You’re right.’”

She struggled to find just the right words to express the inexpressible presence of God. The presence of God overwhelmed her with love and she no longer felt that he had abandoned her.

Her sacrifice seemed reasonable when pictured alongside Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. God loved her and had not forgotten her desire to get married and be loved.

Soon after she broke off the relationship with this man, she started dating the man who would become her husband.

God’s grace did not culminate in Lauren finding a husband. God wanted her to know that he loved and accepted her for who she was and not just because she had sacrificed so much for him.

Lauren found herself in a very difficult and confusing situation when she “got pregnant before I was married, all of a sudden I [understood] that Ragamuffin Gospel. And now I get it because it’s not about—it’s not about perfect people and what he said in that book, the Gospel is not for perfect people.”

The culmination for Lauren was realizing that there was a lie that she had believed and accepted from her family. “I had adopted exactly what my parents did to me, which was “Reject everybody.” … If somebody has an issue, you reject that person, and just that perfection and that lack of love.”

This started her on a yearlong journey of trying to understand what love is. Her perspective on everything had begun to change, for Lauren, “it was an absolute break in the way that I have viewed the world for, up to that point, 30 years. It was a massive change of a worldview and absolutely I had adopted that [lie], probably unknowingly, because what’s the worst mask, [thinking that] you’re doing what’s right. So why would I ever doubt what I was doing was wrong because I was doing what was right.”

She recognized the lies of perfectionism and judgmentalism that had become her perspective. By God’s grace, she was able to begin the process of learning to love unconditionally.

She is still following that path, attending church and feeling very connected with her church family.

Belonging:

Lauren felt like everything was perfect in her world as a young child when she belonged, when she was surrounded by people that loved her and knew her.

When she lost that sense of belonging, she felt like she lost her identity.

Finding a new church, people that loved her and accepted her brought her a new sense of identity. And, typical of adolescence, that new identity formed apart from her parents.

She didn’t realize until years later that she had adopted some of the same judgmentalism and perfectionism that isolated her from her parents. As they had pushed her away, she had pushed so many others away.

When she had a moral crisis, she was forced to face her own imperfection and her own need for God’s grace.

In this place of humility and a desperate need for grace, she found her true identity in Christ. Finally, she truly belonged. She belonged in her own skin. She could accept her own imperfections and therefore accept the imperfections in others. Her understanding of what it means to belong was transformed and became a strong foundation upon which to build her life.

How to Talk about the Boston Tragedy with Your Children

Here is a resource that we used after the 9/11/01 tragedy. I am not sure how much of it I wrote and how much I used from another source. So, I won't claim any of it as my own, but I hope it will help you talk about this and other tragedies with your children. I hope it will be an encouragement to you as parents try to talk to their children about the tragedy in Boston today:

Tuesday was a day that scarred our country and the images will scar our memories forever. There is no way to erase these memories from our minds or our children’s minds. Know that God is in control (Dan. 4:35, Is.44: 8,45:5,6,21, Pr.21:1) and He is the only one that can bring peace and security to us and our children. Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Knowing that peace only comes from God, what can we as parents do to help our children and one another deal with this tragedy? Here are some suggestions that may help.

1-       Pray often. Pray before you discuss this with your children. Pray with your children about the tragedy. Pray for your children to be able to trust God through it. (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

2-       Be calm. Show your children that this is a tragedy, but that your faith in God is still strong and you are not afraid. If you are afraid, explain what you are afraid of and why. Be specific.- DZ (1 John 4:18)

3-       Be completely truthful. You don’t have to tell your children everything, but everything you tell them must be completely true. Do not conjecture about the culprits or about survivors or the response of the country. Just speak of the truth as best you know it. (Ephesians 4:25) “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”

4-       Be honest but explain to children only as much as they can handle.  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen,” Toddlers will only know that something is wrong, but no details. 4-6 year olds may understand that there was a crash and that people are hurt, but they need not know about terrorism or hate or death. Older elementary students will hear more, but certainly try to keep them as much as possible from seeing the TV images, which may give them nightmares. Junior high students and less mature high school students will understand everything and want to see the images, but will not internalize it as much. They will need to talk about it and will focus on details and information. Mature junior high students and most senior high students will need to talk about the details and about how they are feeling. Here it is good to share some of your concerns and confusion and sadness and anger. They will be having similar feelings. Allow them to express these as much as they want. They may rather express them to peers or other trusted adults. That is ok. Don’t feel shut out or try to force them to open up to you. . We must guard our speech so that we don’t say anything negative or hateful even in jest or casually in conversation that might point blame to “Arabs”, “Muslims”, “politicians” or any group as a whole.

5-      Bring them to God. Whether your children are infants or adults, they need to know that when you are stressed, you turn to Christ for strength. Do this by modeling prayer for them, searching the Scriptures instead of watching TV. Allow them to see you receiving God’s grace and then share what God is revealing to you. Show them Scriptures concerning God’s control and His unending love. (Psalm 46 and Jeremiah 31:3)

6-        Teach them that God is not taken by surprise. Then, teach them that the consequences of sin are bad. (Romans 6:21,23 “21 What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”)

7-       Then teach them that if we never saw the consequences of sin until we died, we would be more drawn into it and would see only its pleasure. If they are old enough to understand teach them not to hate, teach them about the evil of racism.

8-       Older students will also want to know what they can do to help. Find out ways that they can actively participate in helping. Donating blood, donating money, praying, helping out a local family who has lost a loved one or even serving local firefighters, policemen, and EMS workers. Show them that the response to HATE is LOVE, not revenge.

May God bless you and your family as you recover and allow God to heal you and your children from this incredibly personal and national tragedy?

Trusting God with you.

3 Relationships Parents Should Promote and Why

My 11 year old son, Ethan, was at pitching boot camp the other day preparing for the upcoming baseball season, and I overheard a pitching coach telling a young pitcher to keep his hands on his chest when preparing to deliver the ball. Sometimes pitchers, like this young man, raise their hands above their heads like the one in the picture as part of their wind up. He went on to explain that, back in the day, pitchers wore long sleeves and used this upward movement to get their long sleeves out of the way and give their arms full range of movement. Why do kids still do it today? Because that’s what they thought they were supposed to do.

As parents, what are we supposed to do?

What is our role in our children’s lives?

Too often, we just follow the example of those who raised us or, determined not to repeat their mistakes, we follow some other example. But do we really know why we do what we do?

The 3 Relationships Parents Should Promote for Their Children and Why:

1 - Be their Provider

As parents our primary role is to provide security and stability for our children. This includes lots of things including each of the layers of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs shown below. Of course, the top level, self-actualization, is up to them, but we can certainly help give them a strong foundation to build it upon.

As parents, we also make and enforce boundaries – some of which are important and good and others which are fear-based, overly constrictive, dangerously lax, obsolete or even just plain wrong. We are fallible and though we try our best, we often fail to set healthy boundaries for our children.

In a nut-shell, that is our primary role as parents. Daunting, isn’t it?

There is more. And, here is both an added responsibility and an added support system. We have the responsibility to introduce our children to other significant adults and provide an environment where they can development meaningful friendships. These relationships play different roles in our children’s lives, but they are both essential to their development.

2 - Help them Find Supportive Adults.

At about 7 years old, children start to see themselves as something more than just a member of their immediate family. They begin to let other people in and accept them as members of their inner circle of trust.

Adults that are not in the home can be in that inner circle. And this can provide tremendous support to parents. Significant adults in a child’s life can be grandparents, teachers, coaches, spiritual leaders, etc.

Ideally they will share the same primary values and beliefs. As the children see that adults they trust agree on the main things, they will feel more secure and confident about their core beliefs.

They will also begin to notice differences among their parents and these significant adults. Differences of opinion on certain behaviors like diet and exercise, political views, choice of entertainment, views on wealth and prosperity, ways of relating to others, and any number of other differences. These differences create space for the child to test their own individuality within the confines of the larger sense of security and well-being that the values and beliefs held by their role models provide.

They learn that they can grow up to be different and still be true to their core beliefs.

Even as toddlers, children need to test their boundaries and distinguish themselves as individuals. They long to be one of a kind! And, they are. Their uniqueness begins to take shape at a very early age. 

As agonizing as it is, our children need to say, “No!” when we tell them to eat their green beans or brush their teeth. This is a crucial step in forming their identity.

3 - Help them Develop Meaningful Friendships.

During adolescence, our children begin to identify with their peers and look to them for support and a sense of belonging. They long for the approval found in fulfilling others’ expectations. They still draw their security and stability from their family, but friends give them a sense of adventure and are will to take risks with them in their mutual search for identity.

These peers offer our children the courage to explore. All parents are wrong sometimes, our boundaries are too loose or too tight, our motivations are screwed up by our own insecurities and misplaced fears. At this age, our children want to know which of our boundaries are good and right, which are stupid and overbearing, and which are ones that they will choose for themselves.

In a sense, they want to figure out what boundaries they would set for themselves and try them on like a costume. The consequences of this can sometimes be harmful emotionally (like when our son or daughter gets their heart broken because they started dating too early), physically (like when they ride their bike over a homemade ramp that you told them wasn’t safe), spiritually (when they entrust their soul to someone who abuses their trust), or even fatally (when they participate in some life-threatening activity like cutting, car surfing, huffing, or any alcohol or drug use).

Faced with these realities, of course, as parents we want to protect our children. That’s what giving them security is all about.

Rather than trying to find a safe balance, a compromise or middle ground, we actually need to push both extremes, live in the tension. We need to let them express themselves, experiment with different boundaries, take risks and experience the consequences of their actions. And we need to protect them from themselves and their own lack of ability to evaluate risks.

Recent research on teenage brains confirms what we all have known, teenagers are bad at evaluating risks. They make dumb choices that can be disastrous. This research suggests that they actually do stop and evaluate the risk before doing something, but they are less afraid of the unknown than their adult counterparts.

This is vital for survival and thriving, since the adolescent has to face numerous unknowns in order to move out into the world and become an individual. But, it brings with it a limited ability to accurately gauge the risks involved in facing the unknown. 

Makes sense, doesn't it? Why else would teens be the most likely to start smoking, to begin having sex, to be converted to Christianity (or any religion)? Teens are less afraid of facing the unknown because so much of life is unknown to them.

We need to let them take all kinds of risks and reap the consequences good and bad. We also need to protect them from those risks that just aren’t worth it. We need to be that part of their brain that says, "No, not this time. That risk is just too great."

In the examples given before, maybe we say yes to the dating heartbreak but protect them from physical and sexual intimacy, maybe we allow them to scrape their knees on the bike ramp but move the ramp to the grass to prevent broken bones, and maybe we allow them to participate in other spiritual experiences and listen to and help them process their mixed reactions to them. And, definitely, we shield them from taking life-threatening risks all together.

Peers help our children to take appropriate risks, to press against the boundaries and find out where we have gone too far or been too lax. As much as possible we want to encourage these peer relationships with those who share similar core beliefs and values, but who they choose as friends is ultimately up to them. We can set appropriate boundaries to help them take risk in a controlled environment.

Throughout their lives, our children will be experiencing God and finding their own identity amidst a world that would gladly shape and morph them into its constantly changing image of enlightenment and happiness. These three interpersonal relationships provide a community of people to travel that road with them to act as guides, load bearers, travel companions, and comic relief.

The mutual dependence of these relationships cannot be over emphasized. In all three relationships (with parents, significant adults and peers), our children must perceive that they are responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, actions and the consequences of each and responsible to those with whom they are journeying. Each of us has times when we are the guide and others follow and when we are the load bearer carrying more than our share.

Our children need us to provide the basics and also to help them create mutually beneficial relationships that will support them along their life’s journey.

By the grace of God, we can do that.