The Blessing of Anna Rachel Zirilli

The Blessing:

"Anna Rachel Zirilli, you are our daughter, whom we love; with you we are well pleased. You are no longer a little girl. You are now a woman. You are well equipped with everything you need to fulfill your calling as a woman of God," so ended a ceremony of blessing our 16 year old daughter in the company of family and friends, and some of the women who have been a blessing to her over the years. many of these women took the opportunity to speak and bless her. We collected their words in a scrapbook. And, we put together a word art collage incorporating some of those words, framed it and gave it to her as a reminder of who she is.

Word Art blessing given to Anna

 

My sixteen year old daughter is amazing. We love her. We looked at her and realized that somewhere along the way these past sixteen years she stopped needing her diapers changed, stopped needing us to cut up her meat, and stopped sticking car keys in electric sockets. And today, my wife will bring her to go get her driver's permit. She is no longer a child, but a woman.

We knew that we wanted to celebrate this with her, and so we dreamed up a way to do just that. For the past month we have been secretly contacting old teachers, family and other acquaintances who have had a part in Anna's life inviting them to participate in a blessing ceremony. Here is the blessing I read over her at the end of the ceremony:

"Anna Rachel Zirilli, you are our daughter, whom we love; with you we are well pleased. You are no longer a little girl. You are now a woman. You are well equipped with everything you need to fulfill your calling as a woman of God.

Before the foundation of the earth, God Almighty planned for your life and planned for you to be a woman. He knew this day would come. Psalm 139 says that He created your inmost being. He knit you together in your mother's womb. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. All the days ordained for you were written by God even before you were born. There is nothing that you will ever need to do to become a woman, because God has already made you one.

Today, we are simply recognizing publicly the work that God has already completed in you. Anna, you have heard what we think of you today. We see in you honesty, integrity, love, strength, grace, humility, power, weakness, intelligence, wisdom beyond your years, self-control, spiritual sensitivity and spiritual hunger, frugalness, compassion, a love for your Lord and Savior, and a desire to share that love with others. God has made you intelligent—you have a strong mind. God has made you beautiful. We've also noticed since the time you were a little girl that our Lord has given you a great ability to understand right and wrong, good and evil. You get along with everyone and are well-respected and well thought of by others, young and old alike. You are a leader and have used your leadership skills to make wise decisions concerning your friends and in many other areas of your life. We are filled with joy that God has given you to our family. You are a gift. You are a wonderful daughter

We love you and we bless you with all that God has for you. You are His and have been set apart from the world for his Holy purposes. We bless you with God's everlasting love, wisdom, peace, and joy. We bless you with sexual purity and if the Lord wills, marital fidelity and children of your own.

Would you gather around Anna, lay your hands on her as we pray together.

“The Lord bless you, and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine on you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace."'

Lord, we are here today because we love Anna. We want her to know that we can see the work that you have done in her life in making her a woman. We commit her to you and we trust You to continue the work that you have begun in her. Make her into the masterpiece that you have designed her to be and You alone can create in her. We thank you for her. In Jesus’ name, Amen."

“Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life!”

It was an amazing day! Hopefully, one that Anna will never forget.

This blessing ceremony was our way of giving Anna a milestone to mark her passage from childhood to adulthood. We don't ever want her to believe that she needs something in order to become a woman. We don't want her to need a relationship, a job, a calling from God, a degree, or any measure of success in order to feel like she has become a woman.

We want her to know that she is a woman because God has created her to be just that. She doesn't have to prove it or earn it. She is.

Whether you have a child who needs to hear this or whether you just needed this reminder yourself, make sure you believe it. There is no greater waste of time than pursuing something that you already have. Finding it comes in resting and trusting in God, not in the endless pursuit.

"Meaningless. meaningless, everything is meaningless, a chase after the wind!"

Maybe today you need to look in the mirror or in the eyes of your teen and speak these words of truth.

You are a child of God. You are loved beyond all measure. You are an adult who doesn't have anything to prove. You are valuable because you are valuable to God. You are important because you are important to God. You are special, you are successful, you are all that God wants you to be. Surrender your great expectations.

Let God's opinion of you trump your own.

He's a much better judge than you or I.

(Here is the basic outline of the Blessing Ceremony that we used.

And, this is the intro and explanation that we prepared:

We believe that there is one God and Father over all and in all and through all. We believe that there is one Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, through whom all people can be saved. And, we believe in the Holy Spirit who indwells all those who believe to convict, encourage and comfort them. We believe that Anna, based on your confession of faith, we believe that you are His. We believe He chose you to be our daughter and that He chose us to be your family and friends. We believe that He has your life preordained according to His abundant grace and plan for your life.

When you were still in Mommy’s belly, there was a time that we committed you to His care. You were, then, as you are now, very active. Since you were our first child, we were a little scared when we would see your heal or elbow push out and travel across the front of her belly, jutting out. And, then one day, you were quiet. You didn’t move for about 24 hours and here you sit, nothing wrong, but at that moment we weren’t sure what was going on. You probably just needed a long nap from all those gymnastics.

We climbed into bed that night and mommy turned to me and said that you hadn’t moved that day. I said, “Oh,” and preceded to go to sleep. She said, “The baby hasn’t moved all day.” “Oh! Are you worried that something’s wrong?” “I don’t know.” For those of you who don’t speak woman, that means, “Yes.” And, for once, I understood it. So, we prayed together.

As we prayed, God spoke to us. We felt like He was telling us that we were powerless. That we would have to trust him. That we couldn’t keep this little baby of ours alive, keep her heart beating, keep her lungs breathing, protect her from every disease and every evil even if we made it our only goal in life. We were powerless. This was sobering and our tears flowed onto our pillows.

But, He didn’t leave us there. He told us that he was able to protect and guide and hold our baby every single day of her life. And, that whether she died in Rachel’s womb that day or lived a hundred years, that He could hold her for eternity. He told us to trust him, to trust you to His care. And, we did. We didn’t have a promise that night that you would be ok. But, we had a promise that God was responsible for you and would care for you. That he was trustworthy.

We have clung to that promise every day until this one for each of our children. Today we want to celebrate Anna becoming a young woman. It is in conjunction with her sixteenth birthday, but it is not really about a number of years or a day of the year.

We want to celebrate what God has done and is doing in Anna’s life. He has guided her each day and he has made her a woman. She has graciously received His blessings and desired His leading in her life. We don’t know when it happened exactly, but we chose today to recognize that it has.

Anna Rachel Zirilli, today we acknowledge that you are a woman, a woman of God, and we who are gathered here today, will continue to love you and help you find your way on this next phase of your journey.

Some of you here have written something to Anna for this occasion and have come prepared to read it to her. Please do that now.)

Adventures in Nonversation

Adventures in Nonversation

Nonversations happen almost every day of our lives. Whether it is at work or school, on the phone or in person. We engage in these pseudo-conversations where one or more of the participants has no interest in being in the conversation at all. You know the kind that I mean.

Nonversations with our children can happen at any age. Whether it is your toddler pulling on your pant leg and you replying, "Uh huh ... uh huh. OK, sweetie." Only to finally look down and see them handing you their full diaper which they have somehow managed to pull of.

Or your school age child saying, "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy." in the grocery store. Checking your list and coupons and giving the baby a cracker so he won't eat the cart handle, "What?!" "I want to study animals in the Amazon rainforest!"

Or our teenage child's non-responses, "How was your day?" "Uhh." "How was your test in Biology?" "Fine." "Do you have much homework?" "No."

Sometimes it can seem like when they are ready to talk, we aren't, and when we are ready, they aren't.

There is one other type of nonversation that kills communication with our children: parent centered instead of youth centered conversations.

How do these affect our relationship with our teens?

Dollahite and Thatcher, social scientists who did research with 74 highly religious families, used the term “parent centered” conversations in their research. I call them nonversations. Nonversations are lecture-style. Parents are transmitters and not receivers. They ask their children questions because they want to give them answers. They emphasize the power imbalance in the family. Parents have power and authority and teens don’t.

This is an extension of the idea that children should be seen and not heard.

We don’t usually set out to relate to our children this way. We genuinely want to have a relationship with our kids, but we are human and we love our children so much that things get confusing.

Our fear and insecurities motivate us to try to keep our teens safe. We are afraid that either they will do something to hurt themselves or someone else will do something to them.

And, we know some of those hurts leave scars. We are afraid for them now and we are afraid for their future. “What if…” begins to be our motto. And, we choose safety and security over relationship with our child.

It can sound like this, “I would rather have my child hate me because I’m overprotective, then love me and wind up in a ditch somewhere or worse yet, dead.”

That fear gives rise to a desire to control our children. Even in the highly religious families that were studied, which tend to stress hierarchical relationships based on the natural disparity of power between the child and the adult, they are still able to have youth centered conversations. So the content of the conversations, the worldview which you hold, and the guidance that you offer do not determine whether or not a conversation is youth centered or parent centered.

The tone of the conversation, the parents’ motivations, and the relational openness of the parents determine whether conversations are youth centered or parent centered nonversations.

In a culture that highly values individualism, youth centered conversations demonstrate an increased willingness to allow autonomy and freedom to initiate and fully participate in religious/spiritual conversations. This fosters spiritual growth and gives you an opportunity to shape some of the faith choices your child makes.[1]

Find ways to listen to your child without correcting them or judging their responses. Just listen and learn and wait until they ask for your help or advice. Enjoy them and maybe dream with them about going to the Amazon rainforest. Who knows, they might end up there someday!

---

[1] David C. Dollahite and Jennifer Y. Thatcher, “Talking About Religion,” Journal of Adolescent Research 23, no. 5 (2008): 638.

Part 5: We Need to Start Over, The Last Step

Franklin Graham, the son of internationally famous Billy Graham, was running away from being a Graham. He spent time doing all the things that he had been told not to do. Until at 22 years of age, he broke down. While reading the Gospel of John in a hotel in Jerusalem, he confessed his sin and embraced the Savior that he had resisted for so long.

As parents, we long for the best for our children. But, often we feel powerless to make it happen. When we try too hard, we often make things worse through manipulation or emotional enmeshment.

The reality is that our children have just as much right to choose their own path as we do to choose ours. They have been given the ability to choose.

God gave them that ability.

If we try to override their choices, we are fighting against our children.

And we are fighting against God.

Not a fight worth fighting.

Not a fight we can win.

But, there is hope. If you have tracking through these steps and chosen to repent, rethink, and redo, then the final two steps come together. First we respond to our child and then we restart the relationship.

Respond:

The time may come to respond. See what signs your child is giving you. Wait for something positive, anything positive. Any sign that they haven’t completely given up on their relationship with you. Pour God’s grace into that situation or comment.

Be honest and open, trusting God to protect your heart.

Be patient and kind.

Be long suffering.

Love your child.

Be courageous and be extravagant!

As they continue to respond positively to your love and grace, pour out more love and more grace.

Be extravagant in expressing your love. Don’t hold anything back. Be completely honest about how much you love your child. Tell them that your love has no bounds.

Read and study the parables of the Lost Son, the Lost Coin and the Lost Sheep from Luke 15.

Picture your child as the one you have lost.

You cannot rescue them from the consequences of their choices, but as soon as they are ready to return and face those consequences, be ready to open your heart to them again.

Picture yourself celebrating when the lost one is found. Tell them how much restoring your relationship would mean to you.

CAUTION: Don’t respond too early. First, if you respond to their negativity, you may push them further away. Second, if you speak about extravagant love before you repent and have a plan, it will sound like empty words coming from the latest book you’ve read.

"There is a time for risky love. There is a time for extravagant gestures. There is a time to pour out your affections on one you love. And when the time comes - seize it, don't miss it.” ~Max Lucado^[1]

Restart:

If and when your teen begins to desire a relationship with you that is built on mutual love and respect, it is time to restart. When it is time, I believe that you will know it.

WARNING: I also strongly believe that until that time, you will always wonder and hope that the time has come for this step. Remain. Restarting must be the last step, because it is necessarily the first step of a new era in your relationship.

A restart is when the cocoon that your child has hidden in breaks open and a butterfly is released. It is when the old relationship dies, like a seed planted in the ground, and a new relationship emerges, full of life and hope.

This comes after your child accepts your apology and offers you forgiveness. It comes after your child acknowledges their own sin and asks for your forgiveness. If this concept is new to them, it may not be as simple and direct as that sentence makes it appear. Know your child, listen to their change of tone, watch their body language and observe what changes they have made.

They may need your help and patience. They may even need you to verbalize what they are thinking. They may not have the vocabulary to ask for forgiveness. You may need to take the first step for them. They may come in and interrupt you, but not know what to say. Don’t jump the gun, don’t interrupt their thoughts, but be sensitive to the Spirit of God.

You may have to ask, “Are you feeling sad?” If yes, “Are you feeling lots of confusing emotions?” Draw them out. Try to get them to say what they can. And, if the time is right, say, “I want you to know that I forgive you. I am not sure if you are feeling this way because you feel bad about things that you have said and done to me in the past. But, I want you to know that I forgive you for all of it, for everything. I won’t let any of that come between us. And, I really hope that you won’t either.” If your child seems responsive to this. Ask if they have asked God for forgiveness yet. Then, ask if you can pray with them. Lead them. Teach them by example.

Discernment is key. Remain ... until the opportunity to restart arises. If you try to respond and restart too early, you could derail whatever progress has been made. God is at work in your child’s life, partner with Him and wait.

Please comment if this series has been helpful to you. The more specific you can be, the more helpful your post can be to others who are looking for encouragement on the journey.

Please repost these if you think someone would benefit from them

---

[1] Max Lucado. And The Angels Were Silent. (Nashville: Multnomah Books, 1995), 183.