Why Pray?

Why Pray? God already knows what He's going to do.

Why Pray? God already knows what we need or want.

Why Pray? It doesn't really change anything.

Why Pray? Why Pray? Why Pray? I have been asked this question by so many people. And, their arguments are logically compelling. Their emotion is honest and often heart-breaking.

One influential woman in my life, Carol Nauta, struggled with this before her death. She heard a pastor friend of mine share a personal story about his own life. He showed graphic pictures of his minivan and explained how he and his family had survived a terrible accident. "Praise God!"

Carol's concern was, "Would he still be praising God if they hadn't all walked away from that accident?" If not, her feeling was that the, "Praise God", wasn't genuine.

She wondered aloud with me. "Why pray? What good does it really do? We just have to trust God that He'll do what is best."

So, for Carol, who lost her life in a tragic accident and heard us singing, "Blessed Be Your Name", at her funeral, I guess this is my best reply to your question.

Let me begin with the three questions I posed earlier. Each one exposes a different lie we tend to believe about prayer.

1 - Why Pray? God already knows what He's going to do.

This is true. Some have a picture of God waiting around until it is time to act. Possibly waiting until we pray in order to decide what to do. The Bible doesn't describe God this way nor is it how we experience Him in our daily lives.
 
God is constantly at work all around us, and we miss most of it. So, the response of healthy spirituality is not trying to convince God to act. He is acting. The act of prayer is not to motivate God. God is fully motivated.

Our hope is to discover what He is doing. Prayer opens us up to see what God is doing all around us and to understand His will. Prayer is not about telling God what to do. It is about perceiving what God is doing, what we have missed in the midst of our own business or our own busyness.

2 - Why Pray? God already knows what we need or want.

This is true. Some have this picture of God wanting to hear about our fickle desires and longings and ever-changing moods as if our prayers are the tabloids of His life. He can't wait to get the juicy details of our love lives, who we are fighting with, and what's the latest gossip on our friends. They think that God somehow benefits from us pouring all of this out to Him in prayer.

The Bible describes God differently though. Many times when people cry out to God, they feel that he is not listening, not caring about the agony that they are going through. That is not to say that their feelings are accurate, but rather just the opposite.

How you feel during prayer is much less important than we have been led to believe. Our spiritual and emotional health depends on us knowing what we are feeling and being able to express it appropriately. That is true enough. But, whether we feel like God is listening doesn't change the reality that He is listening.

Often, it takes our time of prayer to pour out our hearts to God before we realize what we want and need and the difference between the two. Then, in prayer, in the presence of God, God can begin to reveal to us why we think we want certain things or need certain things. He can reveal to us the deeper truths, the greater needs that so easily elude us in the busyness of our lives. In these times of silence and solitude, of focused prayer, of listening prayer, our needs and wants can be transformed to fit with reality, with the truth.

3 - Why Pray? It doesn't really change anything.

This is the least true of these statements. It is true in that it doesn't usually change outcomes (except when God does something truly miraculous and sometimes He does!). It is false, however, when we consider how prayer changes us and changes our relationship with God.

Prayer directly changes us. It allows us to step back from our lives, to recognize that God is in control and not us, and to see what God is doing all around us.

As we are changed through prayer, our relationship with God is changed. We recognize God's work in our lives, our role in His plans, and we are more willing to be obedient to His Spirit when He leads in some way. Sometimes, prayer can cause us to change our habits, choices and words based on our new understanding of reality. This influences all of our other relationships.

God's action may dictate our own action in response. Or, we may be called to participate in His action and so partner with Him in His work. Or, we may just be able to marvel at His work and give Him praise.

Why pray?

First, in prayer, we learn to recognize God's activity in our lives and acknowledge His will. Then, in prayer, we surrender our own needs and wants and allow Him to change them, to align them with His will. And, finally, prayer changes us, changes our relationship with God and changes our relationship to those around us.

That is all very reasonable. For those of us who want a more personal answer to "Why pray?" here it is. Prayer is when the best part of me, the part that is longing to draw closer to God, to live for God, to love God with all that I am is nourished and refreshed and feels alive and free. It is in prayer that I feel at peace with myself and all of the circumstances in my life. It is through prayer that I experience the presence of God in my life and am reminded that all is well with my soul simply because God is present. His presence changes me and therefore changes everything.

The task of the Christian is "to become aware of what God is doing so that I can respond to it and participate and take delight in it," (p.4, The Contemplative Pastor by Eugene H. Peterson.)

It is how we learn to love the Lord with all of our heart, all of our soul, all of our strength, and all of our mind and to love our neighbor as ourselves.

Take some time to pray, just be you in the presence of God, and be ready for God to transform you so that you become who you were created to be a little more each moment.

Part 5: We Need to Start Over, The Last Step

Franklin Graham, the son of internationally famous Billy Graham, was running away from being a Graham. He spent time doing all the things that he had been told not to do. Until at 22 years of age, he broke down. While reading the Gospel of John in a hotel in Jerusalem, he confessed his sin and embraced the Savior that he had resisted for so long.

As parents, we long for the best for our children. But, often we feel powerless to make it happen. When we try too hard, we often make things worse through manipulation or emotional enmeshment.

The reality is that our children have just as much right to choose their own path as we do to choose ours. They have been given the ability to choose.

God gave them that ability.

If we try to override their choices, we are fighting against our children.

And we are fighting against God.

Not a fight worth fighting.

Not a fight we can win.

But, there is hope. If you have tracking through these steps and chosen to repent, rethink, and redo, then the final two steps come together. First we respond to our child and then we restart the relationship.

Respond:

The time may come to respond. See what signs your child is giving you. Wait for something positive, anything positive. Any sign that they haven’t completely given up on their relationship with you. Pour God’s grace into that situation or comment.

Be honest and open, trusting God to protect your heart.

Be patient and kind.

Be long suffering.

Love your child.

Be courageous and be extravagant!

As they continue to respond positively to your love and grace, pour out more love and more grace.

Be extravagant in expressing your love. Don’t hold anything back. Be completely honest about how much you love your child. Tell them that your love has no bounds.

Read and study the parables of the Lost Son, the Lost Coin and the Lost Sheep from Luke 15.

Picture your child as the one you have lost.

You cannot rescue them from the consequences of their choices, but as soon as they are ready to return and face those consequences, be ready to open your heart to them again.

Picture yourself celebrating when the lost one is found. Tell them how much restoring your relationship would mean to you.

CAUTION: Don’t respond too early. First, if you respond to their negativity, you may push them further away. Second, if you speak about extravagant love before you repent and have a plan, it will sound like empty words coming from the latest book you’ve read.

"There is a time for risky love. There is a time for extravagant gestures. There is a time to pour out your affections on one you love. And when the time comes - seize it, don't miss it.” ~Max Lucado^[1]

Restart:

If and when your teen begins to desire a relationship with you that is built on mutual love and respect, it is time to restart. When it is time, I believe that you will know it.

WARNING: I also strongly believe that until that time, you will always wonder and hope that the time has come for this step. Remain. Restarting must be the last step, because it is necessarily the first step of a new era in your relationship.

A restart is when the cocoon that your child has hidden in breaks open and a butterfly is released. It is when the old relationship dies, like a seed planted in the ground, and a new relationship emerges, full of life and hope.

This comes after your child accepts your apology and offers you forgiveness. It comes after your child acknowledges their own sin and asks for your forgiveness. If this concept is new to them, it may not be as simple and direct as that sentence makes it appear. Know your child, listen to their change of tone, watch their body language and observe what changes they have made.

They may need your help and patience. They may even need you to verbalize what they are thinking. They may not have the vocabulary to ask for forgiveness. You may need to take the first step for them. They may come in and interrupt you, but not know what to say. Don’t jump the gun, don’t interrupt their thoughts, but be sensitive to the Spirit of God.

You may have to ask, “Are you feeling sad?” If yes, “Are you feeling lots of confusing emotions?” Draw them out. Try to get them to say what they can. And, if the time is right, say, “I want you to know that I forgive you. I am not sure if you are feeling this way because you feel bad about things that you have said and done to me in the past. But, I want you to know that I forgive you for all of it, for everything. I won’t let any of that come between us. And, I really hope that you won’t either.” If your child seems responsive to this. Ask if they have asked God for forgiveness yet. Then, ask if you can pray with them. Lead them. Teach them by example.

Discernment is key. Remain ... until the opportunity to restart arises. If you try to respond and restart too early, you could derail whatever progress has been made. God is at work in your child’s life, partner with Him and wait.

Please comment if this series has been helpful to you. The more specific you can be, the more helpful your post can be to others who are looking for encouragement on the journey.

Please repost these if you think someone would benefit from them

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[1] Max Lucado. And The Angels Were Silent. (Nashville: Multnomah Books, 1995), 183.

Don't yell at the refs!

This morning, I am running from God. I don’t want to look him in the eye or rather, I don’t want to see the disappointment when he looks in mine. I just got so frustrated last night. It wasn’t about winning or losing. I have seen my children do both and that is not it. It is not even about how my child played. I have seen my children play amazingly well and play poorly, sometimes all in the same game.

It was the refs. You may be thinking, “What else is new?” But hear me out. I am the first to shake a ref’s hand after a game and thank them for coming and taking the time to do what they do. But, something about last night’s game got me so frustrated. I felt helpless. And, then I got mad. I didn’t curse or call names. I didn’t even complain about bad calls. I cheered.

I cheered for the refs when they called a foul. One time, I yelled, “Great call!  That was really a great call!” as I clapped a little too loudly. I was being honest. It was the right call. I was just trying to highlight the fact that there were dozens of other times when the same call could have been made. The other coach had her 7^th and 8^th grade girls doing a full court press in the basketball game. That wound up being lots of reaching fouls and over the back fouls and one fat lip foul and a couple of “How is that not a foul!” fouls. But very few of those got called.

In the first period, no fouls were called. By the third, fourth and fifth periods, a few more were called. That’s when I started cheering. I wanted to influence the refs, influence the game, change the atmosphere, but I felt powerless to do so.

"Speak the truth in love," we are told, but some situations are hard to figure out. How do I speak the truth and yet hold back the insults, the curses, or the accusations? I guess we all feel that way at times. Sometimes it’s the situation at work with a coworker or boss who doesn’t fight fair. Maybe it’s the teacher at school who has a moving target for what they expect from you. Or maybe it is at home, our parents, a spouse, even our children can frustrate us to no end. How do we sort through our frustration to stay focused on the truth and speak out of love?

Some things I could have done differently last night:

1 – Wait for the right time. Be patient. When we are frustrated it seems like the only time that matters is right now. We can’t see past the moment, past the frustration to see what is coming next. The time for speaking up is often after the intensity of the situation is over and everyone is separated from the emotion of the moment. Sometimes, by then, we realize that we don’t need to say anything at all.

2 – Communicate your frustration. Sometimes you just need to communicate to a trusted friend or even just write in a diary or journal. But when you need to confront someone, it is so empowering to say in a calm voice, “I was so frustrated when…” What you are really showing is--I own my emotions. I can speak of them without being controlled by them. I am willing to talk to you about them because I either care about you and our relationship or because I am required to have a relationship with you because of the situation that we are in. Either way, I don’t want to hurt you. But, I am going to be me. I am going to express my emotions appropriately and you will have to deal with that--But, be careful not to accuse. “You made me feel…” is never a good start. It puts people on the defensive.

3 – Seek relationship. It may seem counter-intuitive to think about the person that you are upset with as a potential friend, but the best result of this confrontation is that you and the other person have a better relationship as a result of the conversation. Until that is your desire, don’t begin the conversation. Go back to #1 above. 

During the conversation, make sure that the other person knows that you want to build or rebuild a friendship through this. If they think you just want to be right or to make them feel guilty, they will defend themselves and attack you. Then, things will get worse, not better.

If they do wind up defending themselves and attacking you, withdraw. Don’t take it personally. Withdraw from them emotionally and don’t be sucked into a fight. Tell them calmly again, “I am not interested in arguing, I was hoping to talk through this and build (or rebuild) a better relationship with you. If you aren’t willing or ready to do that, then we can stop. If you want to try again another day, let me know. I’m here.”

The only thing we really have to offer to others is ourselves. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Extend yourself to others. Oh, and don’t yell at the refs.