How to Talk about the Boston Tragedy with Your Children

Here is a resource that we used after the 9/11/01 tragedy. I am not sure how much of it I wrote and how much I used from another source. So, I won't claim any of it as my own, but I hope it will help you talk about this and other tragedies with your children. I hope it will be an encouragement to you as parents try to talk to their children about the tragedy in Boston today:

Tuesday was a day that scarred our country and the images will scar our memories forever. There is no way to erase these memories from our minds or our children’s minds. Know that God is in control (Dan. 4:35, Is.44: 8,45:5,6,21, Pr.21:1) and He is the only one that can bring peace and security to us and our children. Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Knowing that peace only comes from God, what can we as parents do to help our children and one another deal with this tragedy? Here are some suggestions that may help.

1-       Pray often. Pray before you discuss this with your children. Pray with your children about the tragedy. Pray for your children to be able to trust God through it. (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

2-       Be calm. Show your children that this is a tragedy, but that your faith in God is still strong and you are not afraid. If you are afraid, explain what you are afraid of and why. Be specific.- DZ (1 John 4:18)

3-       Be completely truthful. You don’t have to tell your children everything, but everything you tell them must be completely true. Do not conjecture about the culprits or about survivors or the response of the country. Just speak of the truth as best you know it. (Ephesians 4:25) “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”

4-       Be honest but explain to children only as much as they can handle.  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen,” Toddlers will only know that something is wrong, but no details. 4-6 year olds may understand that there was a crash and that people are hurt, but they need not know about terrorism or hate or death. Older elementary students will hear more, but certainly try to keep them as much as possible from seeing the TV images, which may give them nightmares. Junior high students and less mature high school students will understand everything and want to see the images, but will not internalize it as much. They will need to talk about it and will focus on details and information. Mature junior high students and most senior high students will need to talk about the details and about how they are feeling. Here it is good to share some of your concerns and confusion and sadness and anger. They will be having similar feelings. Allow them to express these as much as they want. They may rather express them to peers or other trusted adults. That is ok. Don’t feel shut out or try to force them to open up to you. . We must guard our speech so that we don’t say anything negative or hateful even in jest or casually in conversation that might point blame to “Arabs”, “Muslims”, “politicians” or any group as a whole.

5-      Bring them to God. Whether your children are infants or adults, they need to know that when you are stressed, you turn to Christ for strength. Do this by modeling prayer for them, searching the Scriptures instead of watching TV. Allow them to see you receiving God’s grace and then share what God is revealing to you. Show them Scriptures concerning God’s control and His unending love. (Psalm 46 and Jeremiah 31:3)

6-        Teach them that God is not taken by surprise. Then, teach them that the consequences of sin are bad. (Romans 6:21,23 “21 What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”)

7-       Then teach them that if we never saw the consequences of sin until we died, we would be more drawn into it and would see only its pleasure. If they are old enough to understand teach them not to hate, teach them about the evil of racism.

8-       Older students will also want to know what they can do to help. Find out ways that they can actively participate in helping. Donating blood, donating money, praying, helping out a local family who has lost a loved one or even serving local firefighters, policemen, and EMS workers. Show them that the response to HATE is LOVE, not revenge.

May God bless you and your family as you recover and allow God to heal you and your children from this incredibly personal and national tragedy?

Trusting God with you.

4 Times When We are Most Likely to Lose Our Cool and What to Do About It

When was the last time you got angry?

For me, it was last week.

I got home from an allergist appointment. They poked me ten times with different sticks (that was fun), and I sat there not itching as I watched the bubble on my skin grow. If you've had one of these tests, you know what I mean.

For 30 minutes, I tried to distract myself from thinking about itching, but every time I looked down at my arm, these bubbles are growing bigger and bigger. And, all I want to do is scratch, just a little bit. Just once or twice and I'd feel better. Then, finally, I made it.

I left the allergist and came home. I beat the boys home by a few minutes and then we were all together for the rest of the night.

No games. No practices. No meetings.

Right after dinner, about 6, I got this crazy headache. I don't usually get them like that, but I felt this pressure pounding on the back of my eyes.

Ethan left the dinner table and was complaining about having to finish his homework.

"Ethan, you have to bring your plate to the sink before you leave the table. You know that."

"But, I have to do my homework." He was not happy.

"Plate first, then your homework. NOW!"

I had been doing well about controlling my temper and hadn't raised my voice like this in weeks, so I got his attention, but he was visibly upset.

He brought the plate to the sink where I was loading the dishwasher, my head still pounding.

"You have to scrape it off first." I held out the plate to him. I could feel the anger rising in me. My heartbeat rising, my eyes pounding.

"I have to do my homework!" He went to his backpack, got out his homework and proceeded to walk right past the outstretched plate.

He was not going to ignore me, disrespect me. I wanted to get those dishes done, go sit down, and close my eyes. The Advil I took didn't touch the pain. Ahhh! I couldn't think straight.

I grabbed him by the back of his sweatshirt, and shoved the plate at him.

"Scrape it off now! Then do your homework."

"OKAY! Jeez!" He did it and I went back to the sink feeling like a complete idiot. All this work on controlling my anger, being patient, talking and not yelling, I thought I might be wasting my time. I will always struggle with anger. Who am I kidding?

My analysis was still clouded by my guilt and shame and the adrenaline still rushing through my body. As I look back now, I can see things more clearly. Maybe you picked up on some of the clues too.

First, I had used up a lot of my self-control at the allergist. It took so much out of me to just sit there and not itch. Self control is like a muscle and when we use it up, it is all used up.

After exerting self control in one area, we can't put ourselves in another situation where we will need a lot of self control and expect to behave well. I should have known.

Second, I was in pain. When we are in pain, physical or emotional, we enter into somewhat of a survival mode. We are more likely to jump straight to "fight or flight" mode without much provocation.

Third, I was working hard to finish a task so that I could go and hopefully get some relief from the pain. I felt an urgency that didn't really exist. I could have simply told Rachel, my wife, about my pain and left the dishes. Ethan was the barrier, I thought. He was frustrating me, blocking me from reaching my goal. Frustration can easily lead to anger and in this case, it led to anger very quickly.

Fourth, I was thinking and trying to analyze the situation in my head. I was talking to myself, defending myself and blaming Ethan. I reasoned that I was the one working hard on the dishes, and he was the one complaining about his homework and having to bring his dish to the sink. I was right, and he was wrong. I was good, and he was bad. I had to act! I chose to act based on adrenaline fueled incomplete thinking.

Fifth, I acted, and immediately felt guilt and shame. I knew that I was right! But, it didn't matter. I felt horrible. I was wrong.

In the course of a couple of minutes, I went from feeling pain, to feeling frustration, to feeling anger, to feeling justified, to feeling shame.

4 Times When We are Most Likely to Lose Our Cool and What to Do About It

What we do when we feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT) can make or break our day.

It can determine whether we feel good about ourselves or feel guilt and shame.

If we behave badly in these circumstances, we can either choose to blame others and further isolate ourselves or looking in the mirror, we can blame ourselves and begin to lose love and respect for ourselves.

When that happens we can do all kinds of self-destructive things. You know which are tempting for you. But, instead of trying to deal with the symptoms, we need to face the disease.

What do we do when we feel hungry, angry, lonely and tired?

The Path

Ask for Help. Ask God for help and then ask people for help. If you believe that God wants you to change, then ask for His help, pray that His will is done in your life. He always answers that prayer. Then it is just up to us to listen and obey.

God will often use people to help us. I asked Rachel for help. Rachel has been a patient, gracious support throughout our life together. I also found a counselor who believed in me, listened to me, and counseled me with wisdom and grace. I have had a number of accountability partners that God used at different times to help me face different sins, to overcome challenges in life and ministry and to encourage me toward some specific goals. God has used each person in different ways to help me move forward. The key in all of these relationships is grace.

Know Yourself. Know your weakness. Pretending to be strong doesn't help any more than pretending to be weak does. Accept your weakness. When are you most likely to feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Don't be afraid to say, "I can't do that." This was incredibly hard for me to admit in the past. If I can physically stand, than I can do what you are asking me to do. It was hard for me to admit that I was too weak to do something if the weakness was emotional or spiritual. Face it. Admit it to yourself and then...

Set Helpful Boundaries. Know yourself and set up boundaries that will help you live from strength to strength. Good boundaries are crucial to a healthy life. Knowing my weaknesses allows me to know what boundaries I need. For me, there is no need to lock up the wine cellar when I am around, but you might want to hide the remote! I can't stand the taste of alcohol, but I could waste hours watching TV without caring what I was watching.

Here are some boundaries that I set up in my life, that have helped me at different times:
 - Make time to be with my wife, every day to catch up and make sure we are on the same page, every week to face any issues that have arisen or might be coming soon, every month to make sure we are on track with our goals for the year and for life, and every year to do an inventory of our marriage, our family, and ministry together.
- When I am angry, I give myself a time out.
- When I feel lonely, I run to my wife not away from her.
- I take time to understand how I feel, not just what I think.
- Go to bed by 10 or 10:30, so that I can wake up before the kids and have some time to pray and read and listen to God. I need to get back to this one!
- Use an accountability program that sends every website I view to my wife or some other accountability partner. I use Covenant Eyes, (which is also a great tool for parents to talk about and use with their children).
- Limit the number of nights I spend away from home.
- Cook, eat and clean up after meals together as a family as much as possible.
- Vacation together as a family and as a couple.
[I discuss this more personally in Confessions of a Pastor, Part 2.]
 
Solve the Real Problem.

Hungry? Eat something. When you realize that you are hungry and that that hunger is causing you to act in unhealthy ways, eat something. Choose something healthy, but eat something.

Angry? Deal with the underlying cause. [Here's a link to my blog about what usually leads to our Anger, so we can get to the source of it.]

Lonely? Phone a friend. Spend time with a safe person who consistently extends grace to you. If you feel like you have no one, go to God. First let him be your friend, then let him speak to you about being a good friend to others, and then ask him to point you in a direction for making friends.

Tired? Go to sleep. We have had productivity engrained in us since we were kids. The early bird gets the worm, and all that. Work hard, play hard. YOLO. Just Do It. It is never ending. We will never accomplish all that we want to do if we don't get rest. God wants us to work hard and to enjoy life, but he also knew that we need a Sabbath day of rest. Good night!

Tonight’s Family Time

Tonight’s Family Time

Katie, my teenage daughter, has a special gift. When she was little and we would have the teens over, which during school months was usually once a week for pasta night, Katie would attach herself to one of the teen girls. She would sit with them on their lap, take them up to her room to play Barbie or build houses out of books, and sit next to them at dinner. She would be completely focused, totally devoted to that one teen.

Fortunately, Katie has an adorable smile and deep, delicious dimples. That teen probably left feeling truly loved and valued. Katie’s day would have been vastly different if that teen hadn’t shown up that day. They felt important because they were important to her.

Katie is grown now, but continues to have that ability to totally focus on someone else. She can spend hours with a baby, carrying them, feeding them, and even changing diapers. She sets aside whatever other things she may be interested in and absorbs herself in the life of that one child. She makes them smile and they feel loved and valued.

I pointed out how Katie and Anna had both done that with Brady on Sunday, the one and a half year old who is part of our home church. They had each at times, walked with him, played with him, gone upstairs and back down with him, and loved him. They set aside whatever else they may have wanted to do and focused on him. Ethan and Ryan did something similar with Ethan W., Brady’s 5 year old brother. Ryan left with a cut lip from the sword and Ethan with a headache from where his head hit the tile, but that's just because boys are different from girls.

I told them how important it is to give someone our whole self, to really give someone our full attention and show someone that we really care.

“That’s why I like being the host, instead of the guest,” added Katie. When prompted, she added, “When you’re the host, you are supposed to do whatever your guest wants, so I like that. But, when I am the guest, I don’t care what we do. I just want to do whatever they want. So, in the beginning it is harder, more awkward, to be a guest.”

Anna agreed but then remembered a girl from her old school that was very talkative but never seemed to say anything. She added, “Some people, it’s hard to do that with. There was a girl last year that I tried to give her my attention when I could and just listen and focus on her. But, sometimes I had to say, ‘No. I can’t talk now,’ or else I couldn’t deal with her. I remember making a conscious decision at times to listen to her and just give her my full attention. Other times I couldn’t.” And, she smiled, “One time, we got into this talk about heaven and horses in heaven and it was really good. Really good! Who would have thought that I could have a conversation like that with her? But, we did!”

Ethan piped up, “Yeah, some people it is really hard to do that with. Definitely.”

I told them about one of the best memories I have growing up. When I was in my late teens, my great grandmother came to New York for a visit from her home state of West Virginia. I would usually see her once a year when we would go down to visit her, but it was rare for her to come to New York. This trip was different though because she was suffering with Alzheimer’s. She was reverting, so it seemed, back to her childhood. She kept asking if she could go home now and wondered what time it was. She was referring to her childhood home from over 80 years earlier. And, the more she asked the more agitated and anxious she would become if someone didn’t answer her.

She wasn’t able to do much, but she enjoyed simple puzzles. So, I set her up next to the dining room table and there we sat doing puzzle after puzzle. I just sat and talked with her and helped her find pieces and answered her questions. I gave her my undivided attention. I listened, and I learned to love her as she was. I gave her my full attention for a few hours and 25 years later I still remember it.

“You’re good at that,” Ethan said.

“What?” I wondered what he was referring to.

“You’re good at that, listening to people and making them feel important.”

“Thank you.” That meant a lot coming from Ethan who I had spent many hours with, lying next to him in his bed and listening to him. I guess he understood what I was doing and why. It was making a difference.

“But,” I reminded them, “remember Ethan’s warning." Recalling something he had said a couple of months earlier. "If we always focus on what other people want and never take care of ourselves and what we want, we’ll become miserable and then we won’t be any good to anybody.”

We all shook our heads in agreement and I ended our time together with a prayer asking God for the ability to be present with people and listen and love them by being focused on them.

Many times our devotions don’t seem to tap into anything profound and sometimes I wonder if we are just wasting time, but then we have talks like this and I remember how important it is to just make opportunities, not try to force anything, and let the Spirit lead when He will.

Giving someone our full attention can change a person's day or, maybe you've heard the stories, even save a life. Show someone true love, listen to them and give them your undivided attention.

(Since Valentine's Day is tomorrow, why not think of someone that you could call or visit? Pray and ask God if there is someone that you know that may not have anyone special to spend Valentine's Day with and give them your full attention even if it is just for a little while.)

Adventures in Nonversation

Adventures in Nonversation

Nonversations happen almost every day of our lives. Whether it is at work or school, on the phone or in person. We engage in these pseudo-conversations where one or more of the participants has no interest in being in the conversation at all. You know the kind that I mean.

Nonversations with our children can happen at any age. Whether it is your toddler pulling on your pant leg and you replying, "Uh huh ... uh huh. OK, sweetie." Only to finally look down and see them handing you their full diaper which they have somehow managed to pull of.

Or your school age child saying, "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy." in the grocery store. Checking your list and coupons and giving the baby a cracker so he won't eat the cart handle, "What?!" "I want to study animals in the Amazon rainforest!"

Or our teenage child's non-responses, "How was your day?" "Uhh." "How was your test in Biology?" "Fine." "Do you have much homework?" "No."

Sometimes it can seem like when they are ready to talk, we aren't, and when we are ready, they aren't.

There is one other type of nonversation that kills communication with our children: parent centered instead of youth centered conversations.

How do these affect our relationship with our teens?

Dollahite and Thatcher, social scientists who did research with 74 highly religious families, used the term “parent centered” conversations in their research. I call them nonversations. Nonversations are lecture-style. Parents are transmitters and not receivers. They ask their children questions because they want to give them answers. They emphasize the power imbalance in the family. Parents have power and authority and teens don’t.

This is an extension of the idea that children should be seen and not heard.

We don’t usually set out to relate to our children this way. We genuinely want to have a relationship with our kids, but we are human and we love our children so much that things get confusing.

Our fear and insecurities motivate us to try to keep our teens safe. We are afraid that either they will do something to hurt themselves or someone else will do something to them.

And, we know some of those hurts leave scars. We are afraid for them now and we are afraid for their future. “What if…” begins to be our motto. And, we choose safety and security over relationship with our child.

It can sound like this, “I would rather have my child hate me because I’m overprotective, then love me and wind up in a ditch somewhere or worse yet, dead.”

That fear gives rise to a desire to control our children. Even in the highly religious families that were studied, which tend to stress hierarchical relationships based on the natural disparity of power between the child and the adult, they are still able to have youth centered conversations. So the content of the conversations, the worldview which you hold, and the guidance that you offer do not determine whether or not a conversation is youth centered or parent centered.

The tone of the conversation, the parents’ motivations, and the relational openness of the parents determine whether conversations are youth centered or parent centered nonversations.

In a culture that highly values individualism, youth centered conversations demonstrate an increased willingness to allow autonomy and freedom to initiate and fully participate in religious/spiritual conversations. This fosters spiritual growth and gives you an opportunity to shape some of the faith choices your child makes.[1]

Find ways to listen to your child without correcting them or judging their responses. Just listen and learn and wait until they ask for your help or advice. Enjoy them and maybe dream with them about going to the Amazon rainforest. Who knows, they might end up there someday!

---

[1] David C. Dollahite and Jennifer Y. Thatcher, “Talking About Religion,” Journal of Adolescent Research 23, no. 5 (2008): 638.

Part 3: I Want a Redo

I want a redo. I want to start over. It’s not ok that I keep losing my temper. I know you are struggling with bullies at school. I don’t want you to worry about being bullied at home. It is going to start with your mother and I. And all of us need to do a better job of being patient with one another. When one of us is upset or hurt or tired or frustrated, the rest of us need to be patient. If you are the one who is hurt or upset, separate yourself and take some time to think and pray. Take a breath, read the Bible, ask to talk to someone, listen to some encouraging music. Get refreshed. The rest of us need to give you time and some space and help you however we can. Not respond in anger and add fuel to the fire.

I am not good. I figured that one out. Only God is good. I get it. I had confessed my sin to God. I had confessed my sin to Ethan and I made a plan, listening to him and taking him on a special trip. Now what? How do I communicate to Ethan and the rest of the family that things are going to be different?

Redo:

Do you remember being on the playground and hearing someone ask for a redo? Whether it was a swing that missed the ball or someone that interfered with the play, they felt they needed a redo, to try again. And, they knew if you just gave them another chance that they could do better.

You may need a redo with your child. After you’ve repented and made a plan to change the relationship for the better. Ask your child for a redo. “I’d really like to start over, to try again.”

However they respond, with grace and hope or anger and spite, you can’t control that. It may not be what you had hoped for, but don’t give up hoping. Prepare your plan, work it out, and follow through with it. Whatever you do, don’t react negatively to their response. Let them see that you are determined to trust God and follow through with your part of the relationship regardless of whether they do their part.

If you have other children and they have been touched by the rift between you, include them in the conversation as much as seems appropriate. Even if they are much younger, they probably still feel the tension and know that something is wrong. Let them see that you know something is wrong too and want to fix it.

Be careful not to ask for a redo too early. If you do this before you repent or make any changes, before the ball of change is rolling, you set yourself up for failure. The first time you blow it, they will think and probably say, “You haven’t changed! Who do you think you’re kidding!” They will think that you are all words and no action.

This “redo” is about words, though. It is about putting words to the actions that you have taken. Explain to your child that you know you have made mistakes in the past, but now you are beginning to see how you can change and you want them to know why.

You want them to be a part of the change.

You want them!

You want to have a relationship with them!

Ask for a redo once your actions have started to signal to them that things are changing.